Tuesday, September 12, 2017

The Flith

I'm not the most motivated person. I've been this way most my life and because of it I've been called lazy, which isn't exactly wrong. So I'm kinda lazy. You can imagine this mostly applies to cleaning, school, anything I don't particularly enjoy.

Like when I'm drinking water in my room. Instead of getting up and throwing the water bottle away in the kitchen (I don't have a trash can in my room) I simply throw it on the floor and I've accepted this way of living. I've acceptable that pile of water bottles and crumpled pieces of paper five feet away from my bed. Everything builds up. The dirty clothes, the trash, the shoes that I always lose because I just throw them to the side when I get home. I'm a little filthy and I usually have no motivation to fix that. Usually.

There eventually comes a time when the water bottles become too much. The dirty clothes becoming a carpet on the floor is a little suffocating and I have nothing to wear. The random junk I have no need for and old notes I took from church are an eyesore, because now I can actually pinpoint what each pile of garbage is, but then there are the pads and tampons literally everywhere. How they wind up in every corner and crevice of the room, I have no idea.

I look at it and think, “This is fine.” but deep down, I know it's driving me a little mad. Then comes the point where I just have to clean, but it's not like I huff and get to work. It happens progressively, as if my mind is trying with all it's might to get me to do something about the mess and it can finally nudge me forward. It comes with the slow realization that the reason I migrated towards my bed to write is less about comfort and more to do with the fact that my desk is too messy to function. It's less my place to write and more my cat's place to puke when she eats too much. It happens when I begin to realize that the moment I get out of bed, my feet are coated in dirt and I have to constantly wipe them on random pieces of clothing on the floor throughout the day. I get that small nudge when I start to trip over clothes and the mess that is my room starts to come into the clean path from my bed to the door. I get a little bit of motivation when the filth is too much for even me.

Here's where my brain likes to trick me into to cleaning my room. I start with one thing. I think about how great it was when I still used to my desk to write and I think, “I should probably clean it up, it won't take too long.” Then I clean around my chair and under the desk, I pick up the clothes, but I have no place to put them. They're dirty, I can't put them in the basket with my clean clothes.

Side note, I have three baskets for this purpose, but the two other ones are already filled.

I need to clean them so I can put them somewhere, but my parents have gone to bed and the washing machine is right by their door. I decided to on putting them in garbage bags and washing them in the morning. I clean around the desk, but before I know it, I picked up . . . all? . . . the clothes?? Somehow I made it all the way over to the other side of the room and now my dirty clothes are together and ready to be washed??? How did this happen????

Then I suddenly have another bag I'm putting my trash into and the water bottles have been thrown away. My room is looking like a room and I can't stop there. The trash has been thrown away, the clothes off the floor, the feminine products are in unused makeup bags, and my sister is claiming things I don't want and I'm sweeping the remaining things into a pile in the middle of the room and I'm sorting things. I managed to clean off the bookshelf of my older sister's old things and my books have a place to go.

That's how it works. I start with one thing and that puts me in a cleaning mood. I got the motivation not because my parents told me to, but because I chose to do it and I had my own purpose.

I'm now in a clean room that doesn't even look like mine, but I'm reminded of one of the reasons cleaning my room after it becomes that mess bothers me so much. I swept up the floor, moved things around, and the dust and dirt and cat hair becomes unsettled. It's all flying the in air and as I'm finishing up, I'm also sneezing and dying.

By the way, if you're curious, here's a picture of everything I'm allergic to:

(I thought I had avoided food allergies, but it caught me with citric acid.)

I attempt to take allergy medicine, but it's in that moment when my allergies are the worst that I can't find it and my sneezes and sniffles are only getting worse. It's not the “Oh, a little bit of saliva is on my hand, better wipe it off.” sneeze, it's the nasty one. Anyone with allergies knows what I'm talking about.

I'm sitting here in my sparkly clean room and I'm dying. I've learned something today about messy rooms and letting it all build up.

Cleaning it up causes death. Just don't worry about it. Be filthy. It's fine.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

That Little Ache We All Know and Love

September 2nd, 2017
12:57 AM

You know that little ache? The one you get when you hear something that makes any semblance of a smile on your face drop. The one that makes your heart speed up just a bit before thumping a slow, painful beat. But it doesn't make you cry, as much as you want it to. It's just enough for you to notice and pretend it doesn't exist.

Yeah, that little ache. Don't I know it. More than ever in this moment.  

A while ago, I posted about my best friend I was beginning to like. Then I posted about how much I liked him and how much it killed me. Well, I'm past that stage. I'm full on crushing. It's the whole shebang, the relentless butterflies that I've accepted, my cheeks hurting from smiling too much (and I don't even have to be talking to him), the thinking about him all through the day and night. The fantasizing of cuddling and showering each other in kisses and simply being with him. I hate that part the most. 

It can be sweet and exciting, one of the best experiences of being a teenager, but liking somebody sucks. I would tell you, "Oh! but don't be afraid to like someone," but that would be hypocritical of me.

I talked to some friends about how I was feeling, about that ache and how he, none the wiser, was causing it. Being on the end of relationship advice, I realize that telling someone the person they like doesn't deserve them has absolutely no meaning.

What does that even mean? He's flawed, this I know, but what it mean to be undeserving somebody? I don't deserve the love of Christ. I don't deserve His forgiveness and protection. So does deserving something or someone really matter? But I'm not God. I'm flawed, too, so maybe I don't deserve him. Perhaps we're just a bunch of flawed people and the concept of deserving and entitlement is an illusion to make ourselves feel better.

In all honesty, what do any of us deserve? Certainly not another person, and it goes both ways. He doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve him, but that's not even what matters, because even if he did deserve me or I deserved him, we're not in a relationship and that's not going to change anytime soon. Probably not at all. 

They also told me that if he can't tell something is wrong, he's too self-involved to notice or care. They said that I should distance myself from him and have him figure out what's wrong. They asked if he ever even wonders about me. If he asks how I am and asks about MY love life. They were asking if he even cared about me, but here's the thing, he does. He cares about me a lot, there's no doubt about that, but there's no way to explain this to them. There's no reason either, they were only trying to help me. 

I know he cares because he doesn't let me forget. He always notices when something is wrong, he can tell when I'm upset when we're having a simple conversation. He knows when I'm tired, sad, mad, or excited in a single text. He knows me.

This isn't something I can simply explain to someone if they don't know our relationship, if they don't know just how close we are. You probably don't even understand unless you're in the same boat (my condolences if you are). If I did tell them, they'd ask me why he hasn't noticed how I'm feeling now. How I've been feeling.

The answer is simple, it isn't poetic in the slightest. It's actually kind of sad. Plain pitiful and appeases nobody.

If he's happy, I'm happy. That's the thing about the ache. Nobody sees it. It's small enough that it doesn't seep into my text messages, at least not yet. He wouldn't be able to notice because I only show him that I'm happy for him. He only sees my concern for him, he only sees that I want the best for him. There's no seeing past that because it isn't fake, I truly am. It always hurts a little, but I'm not going to complicate things with my feelings. He's always dealing with something with some girl, the ex he can't get over that crushes his heart every chance she gets, his need to be with someone. I don't want to stress him out further.

He's imperfect. So am I. There's nobody to blame and I'm not even going to attempt to do so. It would feel good to be bitter towards myself for developing these burdensome emotions. It would feel good to be mad at him for not knowing how I feel or not feeling the same way, but that's what I like to call selfish. There's nothing wrong with liking or not liking someone, there's nothing with not knowing if somebody likes you if they've never told you. There's nothing with that little ache. There's nothing wrong with feeling. It just depends on how you handle it.

I think I'm handling it okay. I'm not just thinking about myself and what I want, and I know he's not either. He's not self-involved, he just knows that I don't like it when he holds back and that I want to be here for him in every part of his life. That's all I care about. I've said it before, I'll say it again.

Feelings aside, he's my best friend. The little ache will weigh on my chest at times, but I'll be okay.

I don't mean to be that person, that blogger. The one that only ever writes about their crush or significant other, but I can't be the best blogger and it seems I only ever write on here when I'm feeling particularly emotional. And what can I say? I love boy talk, but you don't know that.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Those Moments

It's in moments like these when having a crush isn't so bad. When there are those instances you have where you both know you care about each other. Just those times when you can freely talk to each other without the worry of crossing lines or coming on too strong for a friendship.

It's the moments where you openly tell each other those three words that are usually so overused. It's not overused in the moment though, because they aren't false. You aren't rushing anything, you're quietly muttering them to each other because you need each other to know. It's rarely said, it's quiet, but heavily felt.

You've been there for each other for so long, breakthroughs have been made, milestones passed, and you're appreciating the day when they came into your life. That moment when you had that connection and you took that step on the path to them becoming one of the most important people to you. And you just sit there on your bed, smiling at the text message, because thank you God. Thank you for putting this person in my life.

The developing of feelings sometimes take a toll on you and you struggle with holding yourself back, but that's not what matters. What matters is that the two of you care about each other and the friendship you have is priceless. No fears are able to creep in, because it's solid.

Yeah, you like them. You sometimes imagine cuddling with them and holding their hand, but it's those moments that get you. Those precious moments, the ones you pick from your memories and hold so close that it sinks into your chest and takes a place in your heart.

It's those moments when you think to yourself, “I love this person.”

Maybe not romantically, not just yet. But those that unconditional love you hold for them, you can't put it into words. You try and try to explain it to them, but the only things you can say are “I'm so glad you're in my life.” and “You mean so much to me.”

It's not enough, but you can't say anymore than that. There's no way to truly express it, but it's okay because you both understand. You both know how the other feels, the struggle to get each other to understand is mutual.

Then he says that he loves you. It makes you smile, and you're just shaking your head with that smile, thinking, “I know that, dork.”

To some it might be a painful reminder of that unrequited crush, but you know those moments. Those moments where nothing matters and you just know that you care about each other in some crazy form neither of you can comprehend.

Yeah. I love those moments.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Catching Feelings

March 30th, 2017

Wanna know what sucks? Wanna know what absolutely sucks? Not being able to express yourself to someone in the way you want to. Not being able to say "I miss you" or "I love you" to someone for a number of reasons that make it impossible to. All tiny, insignificant reasons, but reasons nonetheless. Sure, I can say them occasionally when the moment is right, but I hate not being able to say them out of the blue without seeming like I have a huge crush on this person (which I do, but he doesn't need to know that).

I hate not being able to text him anytime I want without being afraid that I'm bothering him or he's busy or I'm going a bit overboard with texting someone who is just a friend. He's my best friend, but that's besides the point. The point is that I really want to somehow express that I care about him and miss him, but he's at school and I feel like a moron and I don't want him thinking that I'm this boy crazy girl who goes crushing on people left and right. I doubt he thinks that, but I am excellent at worrying over the silliest of things.

I know just yesterday I was talking about how I am perfectly content with being single and I'm not focusing on guys right now, and it's true. None of that was a lie. I'm not going to distract myself with wanting a boyfriend because I know that I am not ready for that. I don't need a guy in my life when I have so many more important things to worry about. Yes, I like this person, but that changes nothing in the long run.

What I'm getting at is I like this guy, but I can't do anything to express myself. I wouldn't care if he knew that I like him, but I don't want him thinking that I was to pursue a relationship. I don't want him to think that everything I say to him as a friend is in someway romantic. I love him, but not because I have a crush on him. I've only just recently admit to myself that there are some feelings there. I love him platonically and I don't want him to mix those three words up with me being all mushy and romantic. Before all else, he is my best friend and nothing will change that.

It still sucks to not be able to express how I'm feeling though. It's bottling up and it's annoying. I hate having a crush because I feel like such an idiot. I don't like the way my heart speeds up when I hear his text tone, I don't like the way my skin heats up whenever he says something sweet, and I don't like feeling so restricted. I hate feeling so cautious about what I say. I just want to be completely open with him about everything, but again, there's that fear.

I spoke about my fear briefly, but let me go into a bit more detail.

I do not want to be in a relationship. I am not stable enough emotionally nor am I mature enough spiritually. I tried this whole dating thing a couple years ago and it's distracting. It's take up so much time, and though that doesn't bother me, I wouldn't mind spending the majority of my time with him, I know it isn't wise. I need to spend my time getting my education and thinking about my future, I need to work on my future career and preparing for college in just a couple of years. Above all else, I need to spend my time with God, worshipping him and praying about how I can serve Him better.

I am a crappy daughter of God. I suck at being obedient and steadfast in my relationship with Him. Seriously, I still wonder why He loves me so much when all I do is screw up and make excuses. He still does though. He values and loves me, He never overlooks me like I feel so many people do. He takes care of me and comforts me when I'm an emotional wreck. Whenever I feel alone, I call out to Him and He's there. He's always there, never leaving me to deal with life on my own.

After all I've done, all the horrible decisions I've made and the amount of times I have lied to him about putting Him first, He still loves me and never fails to remind me. It is so overwhelmingly amazing how wonderful and gentle He is Which is why I am not going to allow myself to get caught up in a relationship with any guy, no matter how much I like him.

God needs to come first in my life. If I can't maintain a relationship with Jesus, the who loves me more than I can comprehend and will never fail me, how am I suppose to keep a relationship with someone who can and most likely will fail me at some point or another?

The time will come when I am ready and I have faith that God will bring a wonderful man into my life as He has promised, but I'm still human. I'm still going to crush on my best friend and feel dumb while doing so. It's okay to like him, I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just not going to act on these feelings and let history repeat itself, but I fear that if he knew how much I like him, he would think otherwise. And though I am determined to stay true to my word, I'm still afraid that I'll let my emotions get the best of me. I don't want that. It would more than likely damage my relationship with my best friend and I don't want to destroy any more good things in my life than I have already.

This is not where I intended to take this blog, but I'm emotional and frustrated, dang it. I needed a reminder that I can deal with this annoyingly persistent crush and focus on God.

It sucks that I can't be as honest with my best friend about this and it makes me a little lonely, but I'll be fine. I'm not the kind of person to get all bent out of shape about a guy, at least not anymore. He's my best friend and no feelings are going to get in the way of that.

Let me say it again for that little part of brain that isn't listening.

He's my best friend and no feelings are going to get in the way of that.

Get out of my way feelings, shoo!

I am convinced that this is a disease. A sickness. I've caught feelings. *shudders*

Please, for anyone person actually reading this, pray for me. Pray that I don't do anything stupid, cause I'm good at that. I am amazing at doing stupid things. I'll be praying my most consistent prayer:

Jesus, help me not be a moron about this.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Little Autumn's Little Crushes

March 28th, 2017

I have had many crushes over the years. My first crush was pretty bad. Not that I had it bad (I did, but that's not the point), I mean my nine year old self had horrible taste in guys. He had the long bangs that I found so attractive for some reason beyond me. He was older than me by a couple of year, but no one's attracted to a nine year old. He spoke low and deep, and now that I think about it, he probably sounded dumb in the way he was trying to seem masculine in front of the other girls.

I was crazy about him and I have no idea why. I wrote his name on my skin all the time with a sharpie, I would try to wear cute clothes whenever I went to church in hopes he would be there (he never was), and I said the stupidest things in front of him the few days that I knew him.

Let me tell you an embarrassing story. So we were in the other building of the church, sitting at a table together; the only reason we were at the same table was because I hung around my sister who hung around our cousin who my crush also hung around. Yeah . . . Anyway, they were just talking and I was admiring his face that I now know was not really all that pretty. My sister and cousin were talking about how this one other girl had a crush on him and he had noticed it. Me, being the moron that I was said exactly this:

"A lot of girls have a crush on you. And one of them likes your hair." Then I proceeded to sink down in my chair with what I assume was a love struck smile.

Why, younger Autumn? Why on Earth would you say that? Did you think that was subtle or something? Did you think you were wooing him with your flirting skills?

Ugh, I cringe every time I think about. It gets worse though, believe me. Another time when he was actually at church, we were in the Nursery with some other people and I showed him a necklace I had recently gotten that had an N on it. I told him the N stood for his name. I told him that! I'm beginning to wonder if I just didn't care about being subtle at all. Later that day I accidentally threw a heavy, plastic, egg shaped toy at his crotch.

Yup, I was wooing him alright.

I still wonder why I ever had a crush on him.

My second crush was this really bratty boy who cried a lot. We were considered cousins, but it was distant so I didn't consider us actually related. How that one ended was when he stopped hanging out with me after he read my diary about my crush on him. It was awful. And I was so dramatic about it, too. I had this whole speech planned out to apologize for having feelings I couldn't control blah blah blah.

After that I just had bad crushes on boys I met at summer camp. My taste in guys got better as I went on, but then I made the mistake of secret dating one when I was twelve, thinking he was the one and we just had to persevere. I had this whole fantasy of growing up and getting married and having a big family with him.

Problem #1: WE WERE 12

Now, I'm not saying you can't date someone at a young age and end up having a future with them. One of my dance teachers got married to a boy she's liked and been with since she was 13. It just didn't work for me because I was a moron who thought I had everything figured out and I knew what love was.

Problem #2: He didn't want a big family. He wanted two, maybe three kids. I want five. I want lots of kids.

Problem #3: It felt wrong to be with someone without my parents knowledge and approval.

I'm a daddy's girl. Always have and always will be. I want a man who can get to know him and get my dad's blessing. When my future husband wants to propose to me, I want him to ask my dad. I want his approval, and it felt wrong to be going against what my dad has always told me. I didn't like disobeying him and my little secret boyfriend would always throw a fit whenever I suggested we wait (I ended up breaking the boy's heart, so he says, so it doesn't matter now. I realize that he was and still is really annoying and has little respect for girls.)

Problem #3: He didn't and still doesn't like to read.

THAT is a deal breaker for me. I'm a writer. I'm going to be a published author. That's going to be my career and life. He complained every time I sent him something to read. I'm not going to put up with that when it's something I'm passionate about. My sister, who is engaged to her boyfriend she's been with for three years, said that when you love someone, you love what they love. He didn't love what I loved and I didn't love what he loved. We were fooling ourselves with the idea of love.

Problem #4: We just didn't match very well

He got emotional and I got fed up. He complained and I complained about his complaining. I liked being alone when he wanted to be with him, and he wanted to be alone when I wanted to be with him. It just didn't work. It probably would've if we would have just waited until we were more mature and ready to maintain a healthy relationship. We were idiots and that not only ruined our chances of being together in the future, but it hinders any friendship we could've had.

My taste in guys has gotten better since I've matured and gotten to know and discover myself. I know what I want now and what kind of person I want to spend my life with. I don't really worry about boys much anymore because God told me through someone else not to; He's preparing someone for me and I have to be patient.

So that was the end of all my left and right, back and forth crushing. It doesn't work and I'm not going to convince myself that I know better than God (I most definitely do not. It is only because of Him that I'm okay now).

So there's someone out there for me. I don't need to search him out, I'm not desperate to find him, because God will bring us together when the time is right. I trust Him, so I'm waiting. Patiently and happily. I'm content with my single status.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Those Moments of Awe and Joy

March 23, 2017

Does someone ever do something for you and it just blows you away? Like something for your birthday or a random little occasion in which a friend does something special. Someone gets you a present or gesture and you tear up and don't know what yo say. You're speechless and so touched, you just don't know what to do except smile and thank them over and over. Do you know what kind of moments I'm talking about?

Usually those kinds of moments for me are about small and oftentimes silly things. I always get super happy whenever my Sunday school teacher gives me the left over donuts or when my family gives me the last cookie (for some reason it always it always revolves around food. . .).
Then there are moments that are more serious and significant, not that donuts are any less significant. Those kinds of moments revolve more around words for me. I am not one to swoon over pretty words coming from anybody. It's hard for to open up and get close to people, but whenever I do show my whole self to someone and they reciprocate, well, it means a lot to me.

The first time I said "I love you" to my best friend, I was kinda nervous she would just smile and nod, humoring me and my stupidity. I don't take those three words lightly, because they are more than just feelings to me. They are more than just the thing to say when you know someone for long enough. So whenever I say it to anybody, I'm serious and most likely terrified the first time I do. Yes, she said the back and I had a smile on my face for the rest of the day.

It's those little things that get to me, it's the tiniest things that give me those moments of awe and joy. I more often than not get flustered and struggle to say something, because I take everything so seriously and deeply.

Well, I had one of those moments today. A person very dear to me wrote a me the loveliest, sweetest poem for my 200th day on Miraculous Amino (it's like a birthday every 100 days. I find it adorable because people will message you and comment on your profile congratulating you and wishing you a happy whatever hundred day it is for you).

I could go on and on about this, but how about I just show you the poem?


The wind rustles a few stray leaves
Leaves with colours, warm, and a promise, cold
They flutter about in the gentle breeze
Spiraling free, so daring and bold

The one raking them up sighs
As they are scattered once more
Before getting right back to work
Gathering leaves off the floor

On, the breeze whistles
Among the long scarves and coats
Of people battling the chill
As they match the whistling wind's notes

It's that time of year
When animals store up supplies
Preparing for winter
Before it arrives

Although the days shorten
And bright sunny days are few
It is by no means a season
In which to start feeling blue

The streets are laced with vibrant colours
Yellows, oranges, and res
Of the tree's last, bright goodbyes
Before they settle into their beds

Fall is my person favourite
Of all four seasons
It's astonishingly beautiful
To name just one of the reasons

The sheer beauty that comes with it
And the promise of change and things new
Inspires great wonders within me
As I observe it's ever-changing hues

Like the free, spiraling leaves
You taught me I can go in any direction I choose
That's always okay to be different
And to have unique, even unusual views

Like the poor soul sweeping up leaves
You taught me how frustrating life can be at times
But with perseverance and a good-natured spirit
The rewards will be sublime!

Like the happy, mischievous breeze
Ruffling children's hair as it gently blows by
You've taught me how to find humor
Smile and laugh, and not always sigh

Like the critters storing away for the winter
You've shown me how important it is to plan
How procrastination, although seemingly friendly
Can cause the downfall of even the strongest man

Like the stunning beauty of fall
You've inspired me more than you'll ever know
Not only as a writer, but as a person
You've helped and guided me to grow

- Retrofox

For my 200th day, I have been set to smile all day. That's all I can really say in my still giddy state of happiness. These words are overwhelming. Thank you, Retro.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Maybe Someday . . .

March 13th, 2017

I have this really bad habit of piling a bunch of things on top of myself and wondering why I'm so stressed. Some things I don't even have to do, like certain projects I have for fanfiction and potential books I plan to write in the future. Those things I don't necessarily have to do, but because they are important to me and I treat them like they're going to save someone's life, I take it upon myself and add it to that long list.

Now, the most stressful things are the one I do have to do. Those little things called responsibilities and the other crap I agree to do. My homeschool group put together a team of people to create a yearbook. It was optional, my mom didn't make me do it, but because I wanted to go to this fancy school of arts at the time, I figured it would give me a better chance of getting in and it could be fun. Well, I changed my mind about going to that school because it decided that it wouldn't benefit me as the other things in my life would (like dance and other things that would come up in the future that I would not be able to do if I went to a school that let their students out at 5pm). And, unsurprisingly, working on the yearbook is not fun. I repeat: It. Is. Not. Fun.

I'm only working on two pages, the page about co-op and about the yearbook committee. It wouldn't be that big of a deal if the lady who put the team together would help us and explain what exactly she wants in it. I'm a clueless little homeschooler! I don't do things like that, I don't have experience. What is she trying to get out of us when she should know that the majority of the people on the team don't have clue on how to properly do it. I could figure it out, yes, but I do very poorly when I'm left to my own devices on something I have never done before.

So I have to do that mixed with the things I feel would grow me as a writer, and recently the youth group worship team leader reached out to me and asked if I was interested in becoming a student leader. Now this I am ecstatic about! To do something for God that would not only benefit myself, but the church and people God brings into the church. I love that I have been given the opportunity, but just like with the year book committee, I don't know what to do.

Nicole, the worship team leader, has given me many options and has pretty much given me free reign on what I want to do or learn. I want to write, of course, so I told her that. She asked if I could write songs. I said I haven't in a long time, but I could try. If God wants me to be her lyricist, then I can do it. But that's just about all there is to say. She invited me to sit in on a worship rehearsal, I went, and I didn't get much out of it aside from the confirmation that I am not needed to learn an instrument (and the one instrument I want to learn –piano– is the one the two other girls Nicole asked to step up are very familiar with). I haven't gotten any word from Nicole, so more than it being another thing that I piled on top of myself, I'm nervous.

I really want to do something and lead someone in some way, but as of right now, I don't know how. That's something for me to pray on though. I shouldn't worry about it, but hey, I'm human. Humans are really good at worrying about everything despite the fact that worrying does absolutely nothing to help.

I should probably text Nicole and ask if she wants to meet up and talk about what I could do, or I could ask if I could come on practice Tuesday so we can talk, but oh! That's right! For the next month I'm going to busy doing this other thing I agreed to.

This one doesn't upset me, but it's a lot like dance. My older sister asked me if I wanted to join this temporary group with her and one other person to learn karate for this teen talent competition. We're going to learning chunks of martial arts and sloooowly do them to a version of Amazing Grace. It's fun, I'm learning how to properly punch people, and it's a great way to put myself out there and really do something for once. I really like it and I'm so excited I'm getting to do this. I also get to call our teacher "Sensei" (to which he is unamused, but I finally get to use it without being called a weeb, dang it!).

It's a lot like dance, meaning I have to practice relentlessly along with relentless practice of actual dance. And dance has gotten a lot harder since I graduated into the Freshmen class.

So I go over to spend three days with my grandparents every week in order to make practice while worrying about all this other stuff I have to do or I feel I have to do. Like co-leading a Miraculous Ladybug blog on Miraculous Amino and reading books for school and catching up in math and just sitting and wondering, "Why am I doing all of this?"

I was going to end this post right there, but I came to a conclusion.

I have spent my whole life subconsciously thinking that I am only worth something if I do something. If I do something that someone else can confirm is actually significant to more than just me, then I've done something to give me worth. I hate doing so many things and stressing myself out, but if I don't, I feel like I am a waste of space. Like I'm just stealing the air from other people when I could be something more than a lump of tissue and blood and organs covered in skin. Like simply existing and being who I am isn't enough to be important to somebody ― anybody.

That's pretty harsh thinking, but I think It's true that I feel that way in some corner of my brain where everything is dark and dreary. I feel like some lazy glutton if I don't do anything. I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I'm spending time for my own relaxation a lot of times, so it makes sense that in order to feel important I take the responsibility of doing a bunch of crap even they don't have some long term impact or I don't really care about them. A lot of times I still do nothing, I still procrastinate, but maybe it's just the thought of I have a bunch of things to do that I will eventually do that comforts me.

None of this is for certain, I'm psychoanalyzing myself. But it's plausible. It makes a lot of sense, but if all that is true that I am taking the responsibility of doing all of these different things, how can I do them without their sole purpose of being to make me feel like I have worth? How can I not agree to do a bunch of things that stress me out and still like I have some significance?

I might have an answer someday, but I'll work on that when I finish all that I have to do right now.

Forgotten, Remembered, and Ready

March 13th, 2017

I remember when I first made this blog. It was around 2 am on my older sister's birthday, January 5th, and my dad had accidentally left the wifi plugged in. So of course I was up late that night to get my share of nice, quiet internet time. I can't remember how late I was up or how much sleep I got, but I know that I was happy and giddy the whole time. Why? I made a blog, of course! I love the idea of journaling my life and keeping a record of all the little things that happen. I've always loved journaling and blogging (I kept a couple dozen diaries full of gobbledygook throughout the years when I was little). It's always been a part of my life in some form or fashion, so of course I was happy when I finally made myself a real blog for me to not give up on.

I talked about in my first post how I had made many accounts on several different social media to fulfill my desire to blog, but it never really worked. I still can't tell whether it was because they were very unofficial blogs or I just didn't have the motivation to continue them. Anyway, I was dead set on keeping this one alive. I was determined to make it work for once and keep writing for as long as I could. I had goal of at least posting once everyday, but as you can tell, it didn't really turn out that way if the two months between this post and my last one is anything to go by.

Yes, I admit it. I just about gave up on blogging. Come at me, imaginary readers! Sue me, lovers of my blog whom I pretend exist! Tie me to a post and set me on fire, for I had forgotten about Unlucky Little Lady (for the most part).

So yeah, I was determined to keep it going, but as time drew on, it dwindled.

Wow, now that I read back on this, it looks like one of those dramatic posts you see on social media all the time. You know, the ones where people are crying about how they can't do it anymore and they're leaving that site forever. They just lost the motivation and there's so much going on in their life. [Insert long list of people they're thankful for here].

I'm not that kind of person. If I were to stop, well, I wouldn't be writing this. I'd just cease activity until I have a mental breakdown and start ranting about my problems then never post again. Is that shallow?

I am going to continue writing here. Hopefully I'll write on better topics than I did two months ago. I'm not going to read back on all my past blog posts in fear of deleting them because of how stupid I sound.

I do have a couple of topics I want to write on, but I'm going to save that for their own post. Like, I finally talked to my dad about how his words were affecting me and how my family life is right now, also some cool opportunities I've had in the last two months. I'm not going to go into detail now. This post is mainly to tell all of my imaginary readers that I'm still alive and ready to start blogging again.

I forgot how relaxing it is to blog. Dang, I could've really saved myself from all the stress I was going through a few weeks ago.

Thanks for reading any weird person who actually took the time to. It means a lot and I'd love to hear of some topics you'd like me write about or things in my life that you're curious about (I'm probably going to write down a bunch of random questions for myself and say they were asked by one of my imaginary readers).

- Autumn

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Spicy Pancakes & Oatmeal Cookies

January 14th, 2017

I suck at cooking. I cannot cook for the life of me. I once tried to make fried rice. Yeah. . . . I ended up putting in Worcestershire sauce instead of soy sauce, and I cooked it too long so it was gummy. I can follow a recipe kinda okay, but never leave me to my own devices. I can, however, bake and cook breakfast foods. That I can do.

So yesterday I was getting hungry a little after lunch time (I never really eat lunch). I decided that I was going to make pancakes. I actually don't mind making pancakes. They're yummy and filling and has just the right amount of sweetness on their own. Usually I make homemade pancakes, but my mom bought pancakes where all you really had to do was put the right amount of the flour (that was mixed with all the other ingredients) in the bowl and add water. Easy! I wasn't too fond of that, but I thought it would be quicker than if I made it homemade.

I was about to open the box when my mom came in and said that there was already one open. She searched through the cabinets and found a ziplock bag with the same flour. There wasn't quite enough of that, so I ended up opening the other box anyway. I noticed that the flour from the bag and the four from the box were slightly different shades, but I just figured that the one that was opened first wasn't whole wheat while the new one was. But then after I mixed it all up, it looked and smelled odd. There were specks that looked like seasonings or something else and it smelled like something that I couldn't quite place. I thought that something may have gotten into it, but there were no holes in the bag or the box.

At my mom's urging, I made them anyway (I honestly just wanted to chunk it and make my homemade pancakes). I made one and tasted it. It was weird. It was a pancake for sure, but there was something about it that kind of made me want to spit it out. The aftertaste tasted like the batter looked: seasoned.

I did not want it. It tasted gross. My mom said that she would eat them, so I stuffed 14-16 pancakes into three and gave them to my mom (she ate half of one before she threw it away). So while I was searching for the self-rising flour to make my good pancakes, I found this package of darker flour that looked strangely like the one I had opened from the new box. I took it out of the cabinet and held it up to my mom and said, "Isn't this that pancake mix?" She had this look on her face that very clearly said "Oh."

I was freaking out over what I had actually put in the pancakes when my older sister realized. Turns out, her and my younger sister had made chicken nuggets some time ago and that was the heavily seasoned flour they used to bread it. That's what we put in the pancakes. Freaking seasoned, spicy flour. It was making a lot more sense (my mom was throwing away the pancakes while we were laughing about it. Not because she knew what was in it, but because it tasted bad).

I made my homemade pancakes and they were good. They were originally all for me, but I gave my younger sister two. Not that I really wanted to. I was perfectly content with eating a plate of six thick, buttery pancakes lightly glazed with honey.

I can't cook, but I like me some breakfast food.

 Later that day I made oatmeal cookies for just me and my older sister while the rest of my family was out. I can't remember how many I ate, but it was good. My older sister made chicken and paremesan spaghetti. I felt bloated and stuffed by the end of the day, but do I regret it? Nope! I finally got some writing done while I snuggled under my penguin blanket, so yesterday was pretty good.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

The People You Love The Most Hurts You The Most

January 11th, 2017

After a long time of dealing with certain things and keeping all your emotions about it tucked inside and hidden away, it takes its toll on you and you just can't handle it anymore. There are many things like that; insecurity, anxiety, bullying, addictions, abusive relationships, etc. There are just those things that everyone had, has, or will have in their life, and it's more than likely that there will be multiple of those things in the different stages of your life. The biggest one for me right now is the words that my parents say to me.

I love my parents, I really do. They have sacrificed so much time and money and everything for me. They have shown me so much love and affection over the course of my life. They are incredible people whom I love, and I know that they love me, too. But humans tend to hurt the people they love the most. Sometimes it's because they're close to those people so things slip easier, and sometimes it's for other, more personal reasons. Either way, the people you're closest to are the ones you are more likely to hurt. I find this to be true as I face the pain and difficulties of being verbally abused by my parents.

They don't mean to do it. If they knew just how much the words affected me (affect? Effect? It doesn't matter how many articles I read, it's still troubling), they would try to stop. They would encourage me to finish the things they told me to do rather than constantly calling me lazy. They would ask me not to do something again rather than calling me retarded. They would not go on and on about how they should just try again (it's a half-joking, half-serious thing). They would try to understand the things I try to tell them rather than calling me rebellious. They would not compare my accomplishments (or lack thereof) to my sister's. They would be careful. If they truly understood how much it hurts me. If they knew.

I've talked to my older sister about this. I've told her about how I feel about it and what it does to my mind, and she understands because she feels it, too. She's been subject to the hurtful words our parents utter. She knows of the pain and insecurity that comes with being judged and insulted over things that are so silly and insignificant. She knows how I feel, because she feels it, too.

Every time someone says the word "Lazy" I instinctively put on a neutral expression and try my best to not let it hurt me. They don't even have to be directing it at me, it's just one of those words I hear too often that are pointed in my direction. My dance teacher once said that she does not tolerate laziness because she works hard. I felt a little pang in my chest because I heard the word. It's almost as if I have been called lazy so much that I am beginning to believe that I am. It's like I have allowed the insulting words my parents say define me, define who I am. I am not lazy. Sure, I procrastinate, and yeah, I could do better, but that's everyone. Everyone procrastinates on something and everyone can do better. But the word has been drilled into my mind to the point of believing that not only am I lazy, but I will never not be. I have resigned myself to laziness. I have resigned myself to the words my parents say when they are disappointed in me.

It's not just that though. That was just one example. I have allowed myself to be believe that I am so many things simply because I suck at consistently washing the dishes. I am not. I  know I am not. I am capable and I am hard working when I am motivated, but it's hard to believe that I am when I hear so often that I am not.

It's just frustration and irritation that causes them to say such things. It's just the annoyance that they tell me to do something and I don't always do it. It's just them trying to get me to do things. It's just them expressing. But it hurts. It's hurts horribly so. I know they love me, but I feel like they acknowledge the things I don't do more than the things I do. I feel like they acknowledge how much I disappoint them more than how much they love me.

It's taken its toll on me. I'm tired of hurting and getting scared every time I hear my dad's truck when I haven't finished everything I'm suppose to do. I'm tired of trying not to cry every time one of them goes off. I'm tired of simply sitting back and letting myself get insulted constantly everyday.

Constantly, constantly, constantly.

But how do you tell your parents that they're hurting you?

That's exactly what I asked my youth pastor earlier today at church. Which is funny, because she actually preached on not letting the world define you. I think that was a God thing. Anyway, I asked her how I should go about talking to them. I asked her how I can get them to understand. I've been thinking about approaching them and talking to them about, but that's freaking scary. How on Earth are you suppose to tell your parents that without them telling me things like, "Well, you should do a better job." or "Then don't give us a reason to." How are you suppose to make them understand that they are doing something wrong?

I've always had a close relationship with my dad, but I can feel myself distancing myself from him as the insults continue. I can feel myself growing bitter. I can the contempt I am beginning to have for him. He doesn't know he's hurting me. It baffles me how someone can say such things and think that everything is okay. Because it's not. You can't say those things and expect everything to be fine. It's never fine. It hurts and influences. Even more so I've grown hatred for myself, because I have caught on to those hurtful words. I catch myself insulting my younger sister all the time. I call her brainless and dumb and stupid and idiotic, and I hate myself for it because I should know how much it hurts. Then that only fuels my bitterness towards my parents.

I don't want to feel that way. I love them. I love them so much, but I just don't know how to deal with this anymore. I've gotten to the point where I'm lashing out and crying in the shower because it I can't handle it. I've bottled it up for too long. It's violently coming out. It became clear to me that I need to talk to my parents when my older sister and I were talking about it. Something needs to be done. They need to know. So I asked my youth pastor and told her about it.

She said that I really do need to talk to them. A rift is forming in my relationship with my parents, and it's only going to get worse if I don't do something about it. She said that I need to pray, first and foremost. Pray a lot. Pray that God will give me the strength and courage to approach them and that He will give my parents an understanding of what I need to tell them. When I talk to them (she told me this part while using a conversation she had a have with her family at one point as an example, I have to tell them to listen to me without interruption, to not already have an answer thought of and really consider what I'm saying. I need to ask them to really listen and let me get it all out before answering, that way I will be able to have a serious, mature discussion with them. It is going to be hard and I'm going to waver, but God will give me strength. This is something I have to do.

I love my parents, and they love me. Not only do they need to know that they are hurting me, but they will want to know. It's pretty freaking scary, but I know God will give me the right words to say and my parents will at least try to understand.

P.S I'll blog about the talk afterwards

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Autumn's Late Night With Eleanor & Park

January 10th, 2017

After my dad left for work at 5:55 this morning, I went into their room to plug in the wifi router (they've been turning it off at night for years and it still bothers me to no end. It's not like I'm going to stay up all night because I just can't resist being on the internet all night long. If I want to stay up, I'm gonna stay whether I have wifi or not. Internet isn't the problem). I never have to sneak and be as quiet as I possibly can when I enter their room where my mom is sleeping, it's pretty normal for me to go in there and plug it up whenever I'm awake early. My mom said, "Well, you woke up early." I responded with a "No I didn't." She was confused at that and was like, "Autumn, you do know what time it is, right?"
Oh yeah, I knew what time it was. Yeah, I was up early, but I didn't wake up early. After all, you can't wake up if you never went to sleep. I don't stay up all night every night, only when I get caught up in a good book or show. And sometimes I stay up when sleeping is difficult. I'd rather stare at the ceiling and look out at the moon every once in a while than struggle to fall asleep. It's more exhausting to me, and just not worth it. Last night was not one of those restless nights. I lost track of time while reading this incredible book (I actually just finished a couple of minutes ago). The only things that kept me awake was how insanely good the book was and the two bottles of water I drank with energy drink mixes. I did go to sleep around 7:30 am and got three hours sleep. My eyes kind of burned when I woke up and my whole body was begging me to go back to sleep. Another energy drink mix fixed that problem. Do I regret staying up so long? Not in the slightest.
The book I read is now my favorite. I never really had a favorite before, just a couple of books I enjoyed, like Looking For Alaska and Little Women. This book that I will own someday (I got it from the library) is everything I look for. I could continue on about how good it was, but how about I show what it is first.

Eleanor & Park is a stunning book that I recommend to everyone. Unless cursing and mentions of sex bothers you, go read this! I don't care what you have between your legs or whether romances just don't interest you. This book does not disappoint. It's not just about the beautiful love between Eleanor and Park (though it does focus on them), but everything in their lives. Their difficulties and life as misfits. My mom often says that she doesn't like to read romance anymore because it becomes cliché and predictable after a while. This one will not only surprise you, but leave you breathless as you read of the growth between these two. They're weird and funny and real (as real as fictional characters in a book can be). I will never forget reading this masterpiece and I will certainly never regret staying up all night to read almost all of it. I will suffer through burning eyes and a pounding headache a dozen more times if it meant reading something as good as this. I love it to pieces, and I'm sure you would, too.

Two misfits. One extraordinary love.

. . . Red hair, wrong clothes. Standing behind him until he turns his head. Lying beside him until he wakes up. Making everyone else seem drabber and flatter and never good enough. . . . Eleanor.

. . . He knows she'll love a song before he plays it for her. He laughs at her jokes before she ever gets to the punch line. There's a place on his chest, just below his throat, that makes her want to keep promises. . . . Park.

Set over the course of one school year, this is the story of two star-crossed sixteen-year-olds --smart enough to know that first love almost never lasts, but brave and desperate enough to try.

This book moved me and stirred something in me that made it to where I could never not like Eleanor & Park. I could never not love the story of these two and I could never not keep it close to my heart. It sticks with you in a breathtaking, unforgettable way. This is the kind of book I would read over and over and over again, and I usually don't do that in fear of getting bored of it, but I honestly doubt I could get bored of this one. It is written in both Eleanor's and Park's point of views, so you get to read and feel everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. I highly suggest this.

I spent all night as I usually do when I'm up reading a good book: Covered in my penguin blanket with Eleanor & Park on my lap, all the while my cat cuddles up close to my leg (she's always cuddling with me in some form or fashion, usually on my chest, but I push her down to my legs when I'm reading. Never off the bed though. I love and dote on her too much for that). It was absolutely perfect. I loved every second of it.

Here are some other reviews that might be a bit more persuasive:

"Eleanor & Park reminded me of not just what it's like to be young and in love with a girl, but also what it's like to be young and in love with a book"
-John Green, The New York Times Book Review

"This sexy, smart, tender romance thrums with punk rock and true love. Readers will swoon for Eleanor & Park."
-Gayle Forman, New York Times bestselling author of If I stay and Where She Went

"Funny, hopeful, foulmouthed, and tear-jerking, this winning romance will captivate teen and adult readers alike."
-Kirkus Reviews (starred review)

"Eleanor & Park is a breathless, achingly good read about love and outsiders."
-Stephanie Perkins, author of Anna and The French Kiss and Lola and the Boy Next Door

"The pure, fear-laced, yet steadily maturing relationship Eleanor and Park develop is urgent
                                                                              and breathtaking and, of course, heartbreaking, too"
                                                                              -Booklist (starred review)

 "Sweet, gritty, and affecting. . . Rainbow Rowell has written an unforgettable story about two
misfits in love. This debut will find its way into your heart and stay there."
                  -Courtney Summers, author of This Is Not a Test and Cracked up to be

"Rowell keeps things surprising, and the solution maintains the novel's delicate balance of light and dark."
                                                   -Publishers Weekly (starred review)

"In her rare and surprising exploration of misfit love, Rowell shows us the beauty in the broken."
                         -Stewart Lewis, author of You Have Seven Messages


Sunday, January 8, 2017

My Usual Sunday And My Amazing Youth Pastor

January 8th, 2017

Ugh, I have had a long day. Not a bad day, just a long one, but Sunday's tend to be that way. I love church, I really do, but my parents like to immediately go to their friend's house that is on the same street as my church so that they'll feel more up to going back for night service. I get it. Once we go home, we don't really want to go back because we're tired or just not feeling like it. So they think playing board games for hours on end with their friends before 5:30 is a brilliant idea! For them, yeah. For me? Well, let's just say that I got home around 30 minutes ago. That was Eight O'clock, and we left the house at Eight this morning. That's 12 hours. I get sick of being around people after one and a half. It works for them, but definitely not me. I love church, but I kinda dread Sunday for that reason alone.

Something my youth pastor said during Sunday school reminded me of how much I love her. This woman really understands. We were talking about obedience, using Mary as an example of how she fulfilled God's will by giving birth to his son, and she didn't even ask why. She just obeyed. Near the end, my youth pastor asked us when we have trouble obeying God and why. What are some things we just don't want to do even at God's urging? I answered with self-control; the trouble I have with letting my emotions get the best of me and acting on them. I get easily agitated at home and I yell a lot. I'm struggling to respond better, but I make excuses to God (as silly as that is) about how I was upset and my little sister was purposely annoying me. I have trouble with that, as I'm sure a lot of us do. When I finished, the girl beside me said, "So you're being a teenager?" She didn't say it in a condescending way, just playfully. My youth pastor, being the amazing woman she is, said (paraphrasing this), "Well, I don't think that's a teenager thing, but normal human reactions. The whole thing about that being reserved for teenagers because of hormones is just stereotype."

People often treat teenagers like we're not even human, that we're either theses scary or delicate things that you have watch out for. One of the reasons why I love my youth pastor so much is because she reminds that I am actually a person, not just a teenager. She was saying that these things people stereotype teenagers for are actually things everyone has a problem with. We are people and we have a choice in the things we do. I let my emotions get the best of me because I let my emotions get the best of me. If I put enough effort into it, I could stop. I could learn self-control and learn how to be more tolerant, because my age does not limit me from making my own decisions. Being a teenager does not automatically make me rebellious and disobedient. We're only stereotypical teenagers because we allow ourselves to be, because we allow ourselves to believe that we can be no other way.

My youth pastor not only tells us that we don't have to have these stereotypical labels, but that our problems are real. She is an adult who has been married for 14 years and has two kids. She goes to work, she pays bills, she deals with two rowdy toddlers, and she is a grown woman with responsibilities, but she isn't that adult who tells teenagers that their issues aren't real because they don't know what it's like to be grown up yet. She isn't that adult who spits out all the things she has to do that stresses her out and uses them as reasons why we can't have problems or be stressed. She respects us and encourages us. She didn't say, "Oh, Autumn. You're just being hormonal." when I poured my heart out to her while crying my eyes out just a few months ago. You know what she did? She did everything in her power to help me, and she still is! She told me that even though it would be a lot of work and effort and endurance to overcome the things I deal with, I can do it. She told me that I am strong and that I can get through it. She didn't tell me that it would be okay when I got older and she didn't tell me something my dad often tells me, "Ten years from now, you'll look back and realize how silly you were being." She doesn't tell me I'm being silly. She tells me that I can get passed it, and she helps me all the while.

She is an incredible woman who makes me feel normal. Simply being around her encourages me to do the best I can do grow as a person. I am constantly being reminded of how much I love her, and how much I'm going to miss her.

The rest of my day went by smoothly (all except for my internal cries for my bed). I ate fast food, took a nap on my parents' friends' couch, woke up and harassed my sister, and scrolled through Instagram in boredom before we went back to church (I wish I had brought my laptop so I could actually do some writing and blogging, but it's never the same when I'm not in the privacy and comfort of my own room). I'm glad to be home and I'm glad to be able to have my usual setup: Sitting comfortably on my bed, under my penguin blanket with my laptop on my lap. Oh, and no pants. I feel relaxed at last! I'm probably gonna go watch some Mermaid Melody after posting this and write some fluff when I start to get fed up with how blind Kaito is. I wanted to blog some more today, but you know how it is. I'll definitely be more active tomorrow!

Saturday, January 7, 2017

We All Fight

January 7th, 2017

I have many, many flaws. I could probably name all of the ones I am aware of, but that's not the point of this post. I'm not going to start complaining and putting myself down, but I do want to talk about a couple things about myself and things we all go through.

I, like many people, can easily give off the illusion that I have no problems. When I am in public and around people I know (or even don't know), I can make it seem like I have everything together and I am perfect and there is no possible way that I could have issues. I try my best to be polite and kind. I try my best to be as selfless as I can and I try my best to never complain. I do everything in my power to not seem weak or rude. It's not that I'm trying to deceive anybody, but I'm also not going around saying, "The world is out to get me! Oh, I have so many things that are just going wrong in my life. Woe is me!" Nobody wants to be around the kind of person who practically oozes negativity. I want to be positive and pleasant to be around, but I often take that and twists it's meaning that I have to pretend to be flawless.

Yeah, I have my problems, everyone does. I just don't talk about them. It's gotten to the point where if I do even say a thing about it that I begin to feel bad. There is this misconception that if you have issues and you talk about those issues, you are selfish. I have allowed myself to believe this for the longest time, but it's not true. So long as you are not using the things going on in your life to cause drama and get attention for the wrong reasons, talking about them is not something you should be ashamed. I started thinking about this a couple of months ago on a Wednesday night service at church. I can't remember what the question my youth pastor asked, but I answered by talking about how I fight through things that come up in my life, how I fight through the things that hold me back from being the woman of God I was made to be. When I got finished someone in the group named Bryce was gaping at me. He seemed kinda shocked. My youth pastor looked at him and questioned his expression. He said, "I just didn't know Autumn fought."

Everyone fights through something, this is a known fact, but some people are able to give the illusion that they have nothing to fight through. People like me are able to lead people to believe that we have everything together. I have my issues, we all do, and we don't have to be afraid of talking about them. If we need help or just some way of letting them out so that they don't pile up in our mind, we can talk about them. Write about them. We have been letting ourselves believe that saying anything about something negative in our lives is selfish and rude to the people we're talking to. If who you turn to is truly someone who cares about you, they won't think that you're just trying to get attention and make everything about you. They'll try to help you and listen.

There is nothing wrong with talking about your problems. We were not made to be by ourselves. We as humans can only handle things alone for so long. This whole topic came to my attention when I read over my last post after I woke up (I went to sleep at six in the morning, but still managed to get six hours of sleep). I looked at it and I did exactly what I thought I would right after I posted it. I cringed and I regretted it because I felt like everything I was saying was selfish and that I should keep those things to myself. I justified my guilt by saying, "So many people have it way worse than me. I have no right to complain over such silly things." This is a phrase that I hate. Yes, there will always be someone who has it worse off than you, but that doesn't mean how you feel and what you're going through is silly and invalid. You shouldn't have to hold back because someone has it worse than you. I'm not saying be obnoxious about it, but don't tell yourself you're being stupid by having feelings and things you have difficulty getting through.

This is something I'm still trying to convince myself.

The reason I abandoned and allowed all of my previous blogs and journals to fail is because I held back from being honest. I tried to make myself seem perfect and amazing through it all. I didn't talk about my feelings and my problems because I didn't want to offend anybody. I didn't want to be taken as a child who doesn't know anything. I didn't want to be looked at as naive and dramatic. No more of that. I am going to be honest and I'm not going to apologize for being human.

We all fight through something. Whether it's insecurity, anxiety, depression, something someone did to you, losses, lack of self-love, or anything at all! That is something you are fighting through and it's okay to be honest about it. It's okay to seek help and it's okay to tell somebody. Don't hold back because of that false image you made for yourself. We can get through this.

On a side note, today was freaking cold. My hands froze to death every time I went outside (what a wonderful time to have a birthday party for a one year old, right?). I'm just glad I had my penguin blanket with me all day. I love that blanket.

Mission Sleep: Failed

January 7th, 2017

I was just about to go to sleep, but I started to get a bunch of negative thoughts and images as I closed my eyes and quickly decided that I should kill a little more time on the Internet to distract myself. It usually works and in a couple of minutes I can get back to going to sleep, but not this time.

I am a member of the Miraculous Amino, an app/community for people who love Miraculous Ladybug. You can probably guess that I write fanfiction. I have for about eight months now and I love doing it. Writing has been my passion for a long time, but writing fanfiction is a completely new experience. You don't create the characters since they're already made and have a personality already decided, but you instead get to interpret them. It's really fun because everyone interprets the characters slightly different. And you get to write in so many things you've always thought about the characters that no one else has thought of. It's kind of like characters and a story you share and can discuss with so many other people. Writing fanfiction is something I love doing.

I have written a good bit and got amazing feedback, but I've been on hiatus for a couple days and I find that it has the opposite effect than what I had intended. See, I went on hiatus after my youth pastors announced that they would be stepping down. It affected me quite heavily and I felt that I needed a break from certain things to calm myself down and bring my mood back up. I didn't want to write anything half-heartedly, that's not how I am. It's either all the way or not at all. So I took a break to sort things out.

I've been on hiatus for five days and it has only affected me in negative ways. I still get online, just without the pressure of needing to post things and comment and talk to people. It was kinda okay on the first and second day, but it's mostly made me feel disconnected from everybody on there. Simply watching has made me distance myself from the community and, if anything, It's only made me feel worse. I can handle this kind of thing though, I have before. I can handle feeling like I can't connect with people, because I feel that way on a regular basis, but while I was browsing the amino to distract myself, I came across a post that both made me smile for a certain user and make my chest hurt at the same time.

A very talented writer whom I will not name recently got a title. It has to do with fanfiction writing, of course, and this person deserves it! They really do, but I guess it made me upset because I've been jealous of this person. I'm not trying to sound shallow or petty, I swear. They can just do everything I can't when it comes to writing. I know I shouldn't compare myself with someone else, but I suck at doing the things I should. They're confident with what they do and they're quick, able to please both themselves and their readers. They can so easily flow with everything and create incredible pieces. I would like to think that I am a good writer, but I get anxious with everything I do. I worry and stress even over the rough draft of a fanfic I'm writing for fun. I overthink and make all these big plans that only make me overthink more. I love the ideas I have for my fanfiction right now, but I'm moving so slowly with so much indecision about them that I feel kind of hopeless. None of it is coming along as smoothly as I wanted it to and my ideas are just not getting across. I always have the problem of freaking out about everything that I end up doing more worrying than actual writing.

Writing is usually an outlet for my problems and something I do given any circumstance or emotion, but writing can be hard when you lose that inspiration you once had in the beginning of a project. I am going to see through all of it, do not misunderstand. I do not quit things I get so far on simply because I lose the motivation to do it, but while I'm just sitting here idly waiting for that spark to come back, everybody is moving ahead of me.

This user writes their fanfiction so quickly and they always turn out great. Everyone loves their work, and they should because it is amazing! But while they're moving along and writing and getting their work featured and everyone is singing their praises for them, I'm sitting here and doing nothing but whining about how much I'm going to miss my youth pastor and worrying about if I'm going to be able to open up to the new one the youth group is getting at the end of January. I'm sitting here becoming a nervous wreck because I can hardly open up to anyone. It took me over four years to open up to my youth pastor. Four years. I don't know how I'm going to be able to meet the new youth pastor and not feel bitter or upset. I don't want to judge this innocent person who is fulfilling God's will simply because I suck at opening up to people. I don't want to feel bitter about some amazing writing simply because they accomplished something and got a reward for their hard work. I don't want to be upset over so many silly things simply because I have no idea how to handle my emotions and I don't know how to deal with change.

I don't want everyone else to move ahead of me while I'm still floundering and stressing over what to do, but it's happening anyway. The truth of the matter is that I don't know what to do with any aspect of my life. I don't know what to write, I don't know how talk to people, I don't know how to just be happy for someone without adding jealousy to the mix, and I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what that silly hiatus was for at this point and I don't even know what I'm typing right now. I just feel hopeless and depressed, like I have no purpose and everything I'm even attempting to do right now is in vain. I feel pathetic for being so jealous of that writer and being so unnecessarily upset about a great opportunity for my youth pastor. I'm just a mess and I don't know what to do about it.

I am not truly upset about that writer getting a title. Good for them, really. I guess it just triggered something in me that made all these things I've been bottling up finally overflow. I just feel so incompetent, and I have nobody to tell this to because just feeling that way makes me feel like I'm being dramatic and ridiculous. I've always been one to seem composed and self-assured, but that's far from the truth. I have so little confidence and I'm far too sensitive for my own good. I just hide it well. I feel like that's more of a curse than a blessing.

I want to be able to call out and tell my loved ones this, but that's just the thing, I don't know how. I suck with words verbally. I can write them all day long, but once I actually try to get them out I just clam up and trip over everything I want to say. I know I said this once already, but I'm gonna say it again: I'm a mess.

I know God has a plan for all of this and I know that I will overcome this suffocating feeling of hopelessness. I just hope it comes into play soon.

(I apologize if this makes no sense. I needed to get it all out. In my defense, I am sleep deprived and emotional. Okay, I'm really going to sleep now).

Friday, January 6, 2017

There Is Nothing Wrong With Me

January 7th, 2017.

I love being alone. There's just something about the refreshing silence and the freedom to do anything without judgment after a day of constant noise that draws me in. I love being able to just sit with myself and be content with whatever I'm doing. Like right now I am sitting in my room (well, it's actually my older sister's room, but she's rarely home anyway. I've pretty much claimed it.) snuggling under my penguin blanket while typing away. It's relatively quiet right now, the only exception being the cold wind outside blowing against the window and the sound of the heater. It's relaxing because I don't have to worry about sitting up straight, sucking in, or trying to appear friendly with my "pleasant smile". While it can be a lonely and restless time for others, the feeling of being alone is soothing to me.

Merely being in public can be exhausting even after a short period of time. I don't know what it is about socializing, but even though I enjoy talking and joking with my friends, I tire of it quickly. My smiles become forced and I have to push myself to have fun. I love everyone in my life, but sometimes I just need to take a step back and enjoy some time to myself. I have more than likely hurt people by being doing this.

I have a friend named Sayla. We aren't exactly close. We haven't had that connection, if you know what I mean, but I'd like to think that we are good friends. A couple months ago she asked if I wanted to come over, and even though I do like spending time with her, I declined because I had already spent the majority of my week doing things. I was tired and I needed a break, and I was completely honest with her about it (though I may have sugar coated it a bit). I'm not trying to hide the fact that I'm an introvert, but sometimes I wish I wasn't. Sometimes I wish I could go to a friend's house no matter how many things I do in a week. I wish I didn't have to fake a smile or force myself to enjoy being around people after an hour. I wish I could handle summer camp and overnight trips like my friends can. But I can't and that frustrates me sometimes. I don't know if I had hurt Sayla's feelings, but even the possibility that I did makes me feel more guilty than I should. I am this way for a reason and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. It is simply how I live, but sometimes I wish I could live in way that is easier for the people I care about.

I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish. I'm always wishing for something, and I wish I could stop and be happy with how I am, but life isn't that easy. There's always going to be something I wish I could change. There's always going to be something about myself I wish I could get rid of, but this is how I am. Some things are changeable and I can work on them for the better, but some things are not and I should accept that without feeling bad about it. Now, don't get me wrong, there is a vast difference between giving up and accepting. Giving up would be taking my temper and labeling that as something that is always going to be with me no matter how much I try to fix it. Accepting is looking at myself in the mirror and saying that there is nothing wrong with me and I don't have to worry. I want to accept myself, introversion and all. But I am a work in progress, we all are. I am working on myself, but the fact that I enjoy being alone more than I enjoy being around people is not something I have to categorize as a flaw. I like being alone, but that doesn't mean I'm anti-social. As much as I judge myself and stress so needlessly, there is nothing wrong with me as a whole.

I am usually quite happy with the fact that I am an introvert, but there are always those moments, like when I told Sayla I couldn't go to her house because I was tired (I felt so selfish telling her that), when being this way makes me dislike myself.

There is only one person outside of my family I can spend hours on end with without getting tired. I once stayed at her house for two days and was sad when I had to leave. I am more comfortable with her than I am with people I've known my whole life (technically I have known her my whole life, but we haven't been friends our whole lives). I can never thank her enough for accepting and loving me just the way I am. She sets the example for how I should love myself.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying being alone. There is nothing wrong with needing to spend time by myself. There is nothing wrong with needing to take a break from people. There is nothing wrong with being tired. There is nothing wrong with me, not in Elizabeth's eyes and certainly not in God's eyes. It's going to take me a lot of time to fully accept that, but I am a work in progress. I'll just keep repeating that there is nothing wrong with me like a prayer. I'll believe it eventually.

Childhood Heartbreak

January 6th, 2017.

I have these little things that happened when I was little that I remember as my childhood heartbreaks. They're these little moments from when I was young that I think of forlornly. I often remember this childhood heartbreak from when I was little, I couldn't have been much younger than five when it happened.

My family and I were at Cracker Barrel, and my mom always got fried apples- or was it my dad? Either way, there were always fried apples on the table and I loved them. I'd always ask if I could have one from my mom and dad or lick the bowl when they were done, because I loved the sweet, sugary sauce (my older sister got so embarrassed whenever I licked the bowl). The time I had gone before then, I told myself that I was going to ask for my own bowl of fried apples, and I would've if I hadn't have forgotten.

So we ordered and got our food. I always got the same thing; Fried shrimp and a hushpuppy on the side. I kinda want some, now that I think about it. Anyway, it was only when the waitress gave my mom her fried apples that I remembered that I wanted to order my own. I was sad, of course. I did what I always did and I asked my mom if I could have one. She gave me one, I never got more than one, but I was still upset. I thought I was going to have to wait until next time to get more.

You know how the waiter or waitress comes by every once in a while saying something along the lines of, "How are you? Anything else you want?" Well, the waitress came by as we were finishing our food and I thought that that was my chance! I could get my fried apples! I straight up looked at the lady with what I felt like was a determined expression (But still polite) and said, "I want apples."
She smiled at me as if I were so cute, which I was, by the way, and I thought I was going to get fried apples. I was feeling accomplished and so happy, I probably had this goofy grin on my face. But I didn't care if I looked silly, I was finally going to get more. And I was around five, so of course I didn't care if I looked silly. I never did.

So I waited for my apples to come, but it seemed like they were taking a while to make them. And I waited some more as my mom finished her food (she's the slow eater of the family), but it never came. I thought they were just being a bunch of slow pokes! But daddy got up to leave and I realized that I wasn't going to get any fried apples. I'm pretty sure I said something like, "But daddy, my apples." I can't remember how he responded, but I was heartbroken. I never got my fried apples, and the five year old+ in me still gets a bit upset whenever I think about it.

You know, I kinda want some fried apples right now.

A little upside to the story is that I never forgot to ask for fried apples again after that.

My Favorite Season

January 6th, 2017.

Everyone has a favorite season, a time of year that they enjoy the most. For some it's Spring because of the pastel colors of growing flowers and leaves, and how by each day you can feeling it getting warmer. For others it's Summer because of all the fun things you can do, like going to the beach or a water park (because people usually associate Summer with water games). Everybody loves Fall for obvious reasons. Who doesn't like Fall?

I love snuggling up under my fuzzy penguin blanket and drinking hot beverages all the way from coffee to apple cider. I love wearing big, floppy sweaters with a pair of my patterned leggings and combat boots, and when I'm not wearing a sweater, I'm wearing my favorite black hoodie I wore at last year's recital for my "Dance Thieves" routine (it was a mix of a bunch of different songs like Pink Panther and Smooth Criminal). I can do these things any time of the year if I honestly wanted to, but there's only one season that I can without sweating or getting strange looks.

I love Winter, which is ironic because I can't stand the cold. I like everything else about it that involves being warm and cozy, and looking cute while being warm and cozy, but cold isn't something I can do. It's rare that we get really cold weather down here in Mississippi, but my teeth also literally chatter at 50 degrees. Not only can I not handle it, but I get cold very easily (I'm always the one in my family in the car complaining about it being too cold after five minutes when the AC is on full blast in the middle of July). I hate the cold, but I love Winter.

One thing that sucks about it actually getting really cold in the South is that we aren't prepared for it. The electricity goes out if there's ice on the power lines and things get cancelled because of ice on the road. We often struggle to find warm enough clothes in our closets when it starts to get cold, but even if we have the right clothing, we don't always wear them. You never know what to expect; it could be in the 30s one day and in the 80s the next. It was pretty warm outside last Christmas, and the year before that we broke the record for the hottest Christmas in Mississippi in some amount of years. If you're wearing a sweater on a Sunday morning, you have to make sure to wear something under it because it starts to get hot later in the day. I'm not even talking about in the beginning, but in the middle of December and January. I actually heard my younger sister in the other room freaking out about the temperatures. "The low should not be nineteen!" she said.

It is a bit colder than I would prefer, but I'm cuddling with my cat in a toasty room while under my penguin blanket. It's not really bothering me right now. No matter how cold it gets and no matter how jacked up Mississippi weather can be, I love Winter. I just wish I could bring my penguin blanket everywhere I go. I would much warmer and quite content, but that's not acceptable in public unless I'm a three year old, unfortunately.