1:59 AM
It's so hard to be a witness sometimes.
It's difficult to tell people about Christ and encourage them to
believe. Not because I don't want to. I mean, there are times when
God tells me to go talk to someone about Him and I'm just like,
“Really, God? Right now?” But of course I want to testify and be
an example of who a Christian is actually supposed to be, but it's
such a delicate process at times.
Believers don't have the greatest
reputation. We're made out to obsessive freaks, lunatics who jump up
and down and cry and speak gibberish to someone who doesn't even
exist (to them). And part of our reputation comes from people who
claim to be Christians and do everything a Christian shouldn't. You
know, the “Christians”. And then there are the ones who preach
and they lecture and they condemn, and they don't show the love
they're supposed to. They aren't representing God's love.
We have a terrible reputation, and for
the ones who do show love and are gentle and patient, well, we're
still grouped up with the others. We're crazy, delusional pricks
without an ounce of independence. That's why it's so hard to share
faith, because we have to be careful. If we don't, we either offend
someone or we scare them away.
So there's a process to it. Some people
take an approach like Jehovah Witnesses. Maybe it's a bit scary at
first, but it's simple and easy. You go from door to door and you
talk to people. They may slam the door in your face or laugh or maybe
even argue with you, but the few people who do listen and they start
their journey of Christianity are the ones they keep in their lives.
They continue to talk to them and teach them things, help and
encourage them, and they likely form a friendship. That sounds so
easy, and maybe I'm saying that because my method of witnessing can
be very painful.
To me this is the most effective way
and it's forming a relationship. I don't become friends with people
for the sake of converting them. I don't go “Oh! That person's an
Atheist, let's be friends with them and show them how to live their
life the right way!” No, I become friends with people and form
bonds because I love making new friends and sharing life with them.
It's because they're cool people and I care about them. Does leading
people to Christ encourage me to meet others? Absolutely.
Anyway, I form a relationship with
them. I get to know them and they get to know me, we hang out and
joke and talk, becoming better friends with them as time goes by.
Everyone I know is aware of my beliefs and they normally don't say a
lot about it nor do I say a lot about their belief – because you
have to be careful – and the closer I am with them, the more I care
about them and the more I want them to know Christ. Christianity is
not a label or an extra curricular activity, it's a lifestyle. It's
hope. It's the certainty of life after death, which is pretty
freaking cool.
And because I love people, I want them
to know all of this. I want them to know how amazing it is to have a
relationship with Jesus, because I know and I wouldn't give Him up
for anything. He's given me so much, he gave me a father when I was
just a baby. He gave me this wonderful ability and passion to write.
He made me look like my dad when we aren't even biologically related.
When I'm lonely and I'm crying and I need somebody, he tells me he's
there and he loves me. Then he puts people in my life and I
constantly think, “God, what did I do to deserve these people? What
did I do to deserve your blessings?”
Good grief, I've been through some
crap, but he was with me every step of the way. And I want that for
my friends. I want them to know that even when everybody disappoints
and hurts them, they always have God and he will never fail them. I
want them to know that inexplicable feeling of completeness. I want
them to have hope and peace. And it hurts because I can't tell them
this. I have to be careful or I'll seem pushy and judgmental and
rude, but it kills me to watch my friends not know Him. It kills me
that they're going on in life without an idea of what they're
missing, of who they're missing. I've had friends tell me how
terrible they feel. How they feel lost and hopeless and unwanted, and
though I tell them I love them and they are wanted, I want to grab
their shoulders and say, “Go to Him! Go to God. If you understood.
If you knew you would never feel lost again. You would have hope. If
you just understood!”
But I have to be careful. I have to
ease them into it. I can't be rash or force them into believing. I
have to be gentle and patient, and it hurts to see these wonderful
people unaware and apathetic. And it hurts even more when I see one
of my closest friends try to take his life because he has no joy
left. When I see those cuts and the blood and the stitches, I want to
go to him and wrap him in a hug. I want to clean his carpet so he can
rest without worrying about the stain. I want to tell him that it's
okay, that he doesn't have to be lonely. That he has someone who will
fill his heart and restore his joy.
I want to tell him all this, but he's
sleeping and I don't want to unintentionally push him away. And I
just think, what if he succeeded? What if he successfully took his
life? He doesn't know Christ. He would only have a certainty of
eternal suffering. Eternal sorrow. Eternal hopelessness. I don't want
want that for him. He's too precious, too sweet, too great. Much too
loved by Christ. He could have it all, but he's sitting in a hospital
bed with a limp arm feeling too lonely for words. It's right in front
of him, but he doesn't see it. I want to tell him, “Look! It's
right here. Your freedom is here, your joy is here, if you would just
take it. It's yours and it's free.”
But I have to be careful. I can't push.
I can't force.
I can only pray and show him just what
it means to be a follower of Christ. I can only slowly introduce it
to him as my heart breaks for him.
