Monday, March 13, 2017

Maybe Someday . . .

March 13th, 2017

I have this really bad habit of piling a bunch of things on top of myself and wondering why I'm so stressed. Some things I don't even have to do, like certain projects I have for fanfiction and potential books I plan to write in the future. Those things I don't necessarily have to do, but because they are important to me and I treat them like they're going to save someone's life, I take it upon myself and add it to that long list.

Now, the most stressful things are the one I do have to do. Those little things called responsibilities and the other crap I agree to do. My homeschool group put together a team of people to create a yearbook. It was optional, my mom didn't make me do it, but because I wanted to go to this fancy school of arts at the time, I figured it would give me a better chance of getting in and it could be fun. Well, I changed my mind about going to that school because it decided that it wouldn't benefit me as the other things in my life would (like dance and other things that would come up in the future that I would not be able to do if I went to a school that let their students out at 5pm). And, unsurprisingly, working on the yearbook is not fun. I repeat: It. Is. Not. Fun.

I'm only working on two pages, the page about co-op and about the yearbook committee. It wouldn't be that big of a deal if the lady who put the team together would help us and explain what exactly she wants in it. I'm a clueless little homeschooler! I don't do things like that, I don't have experience. What is she trying to get out of us when she should know that the majority of the people on the team don't have clue on how to properly do it. I could figure it out, yes, but I do very poorly when I'm left to my own devices on something I have never done before.

So I have to do that mixed with the things I feel would grow me as a writer, and recently the youth group worship team leader reached out to me and asked if I was interested in becoming a student leader. Now this I am ecstatic about! To do something for God that would not only benefit myself, but the church and people God brings into the church. I love that I have been given the opportunity, but just like with the year book committee, I don't know what to do.

Nicole, the worship team leader, has given me many options and has pretty much given me free reign on what I want to do or learn. I want to write, of course, so I told her that. She asked if I could write songs. I said I haven't in a long time, but I could try. If God wants me to be her lyricist, then I can do it. But that's just about all there is to say. She invited me to sit in on a worship rehearsal, I went, and I didn't get much out of it aside from the confirmation that I am not needed to learn an instrument (and the one instrument I want to learn –piano– is the one the two other girls Nicole asked to step up are very familiar with). I haven't gotten any word from Nicole, so more than it being another thing that I piled on top of myself, I'm nervous.

I really want to do something and lead someone in some way, but as of right now, I don't know how. That's something for me to pray on though. I shouldn't worry about it, but hey, I'm human. Humans are really good at worrying about everything despite the fact that worrying does absolutely nothing to help.

I should probably text Nicole and ask if she wants to meet up and talk about what I could do, or I could ask if I could come on practice Tuesday so we can talk, but oh! That's right! For the next month I'm going to busy doing this other thing I agreed to.

This one doesn't upset me, but it's a lot like dance. My older sister asked me if I wanted to join this temporary group with her and one other person to learn karate for this teen talent competition. We're going to learning chunks of martial arts and sloooowly do them to a version of Amazing Grace. It's fun, I'm learning how to properly punch people, and it's a great way to put myself out there and really do something for once. I really like it and I'm so excited I'm getting to do this. I also get to call our teacher "Sensei" (to which he is unamused, but I finally get to use it without being called a weeb, dang it!).

It's a lot like dance, meaning I have to practice relentlessly along with relentless practice of actual dance. And dance has gotten a lot harder since I graduated into the Freshmen class.

So I go over to spend three days with my grandparents every week in order to make practice while worrying about all this other stuff I have to do or I feel I have to do. Like co-leading a Miraculous Ladybug blog on Miraculous Amino and reading books for school and catching up in math and just sitting and wondering, "Why am I doing all of this?"

I was going to end this post right there, but I came to a conclusion.

I have spent my whole life subconsciously thinking that I am only worth something if I do something. If I do something that someone else can confirm is actually significant to more than just me, then I've done something to give me worth. I hate doing so many things and stressing myself out, but if I don't, I feel like I am a waste of space. Like I'm just stealing the air from other people when I could be something more than a lump of tissue and blood and organs covered in skin. Like simply existing and being who I am isn't enough to be important to somebody ― anybody.

That's pretty harsh thinking, but I think It's true that I feel that way in some corner of my brain where everything is dark and dreary. I feel like some lazy glutton if I don't do anything. I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I'm spending time for my own relaxation a lot of times, so it makes sense that in order to feel important I take the responsibility of doing a bunch of crap even they don't have some long term impact or I don't really care about them. A lot of times I still do nothing, I still procrastinate, but maybe it's just the thought of I have a bunch of things to do that I will eventually do that comforts me.

None of this is for certain, I'm psychoanalyzing myself. But it's plausible. It makes a lot of sense, but if all that is true that I am taking the responsibility of doing all of these different things, how can I do them without their sole purpose of being to make me feel like I have worth? How can I not agree to do a bunch of things that stress me out and still like I have some significance?

I might have an answer someday, but I'll work on that when I finish all that I have to do right now.

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