Catching Feelings

March 30th, 2017

Wanna know what sucks? Wanna know what absolutely sucks? Not being able to express yourself to someone in the way you want to. Not being able to say "I miss you" or "I love you" to someone for a number of reasons that make it impossible to. All tiny, insignificant reasons, but reasons nonetheless. Sure, I can say them occasionally when the moment is right, but I hate not being able to say them out of the blue without seeming like I have a huge crush on this person (which I do, but he doesn't need to know that).

I hate not being able to text him anytime I want without being afraid that I'm bothering him or he's busy or I'm going a bit overboard with texting someone who is just a friend. He's my best friend, but that's besides the point. The point is that I really want to somehow express that I care about him and miss him, but he's at school and I feel like a moron and I don't want him thinking that I'm this boy crazy girl who goes crushing on people left and right. I doubt he thinks that, but I am excellent at worrying over the silliest of things.

I know just yesterday I was talking about how I am perfectly content with being single and I'm not focusing on guys right now, and it's true. None of that was a lie. I'm not going to distract myself with wanting a boyfriend because I know that I am not ready for that. I don't need a guy in my life when I have so many more important things to worry about. Yes, I like this person, but that changes nothing in the long run.

What I'm getting at is I like this guy, but I can't do anything to express myself. I wouldn't care if he knew that I like him, but I don't want him thinking that I was to pursue a relationship. I don't want him to think that everything I say to him as a friend is in someway romantic. I love him, but not because I have a crush on him. I've only just recently admit to myself that there are some feelings there. I love him platonically and I don't want him to mix those three words up with me being all mushy and romantic. Before all else, he is my best friend and nothing will change that.

It still sucks to not be able to express how I'm feeling though. It's bottling up and it's annoying. I hate having a crush because I feel like such an idiot. I don't like the way my heart speeds up when I hear his text tone, I don't like the way my skin heats up whenever he says something sweet, and I don't like feeling so restricted. I hate feeling so cautious about what I say. I just want to be completely open with him about everything, but again, there's that fear.

I spoke about my fear briefly, but let me go into a bit more detail.

I do not want to be in a relationship. I am not stable enough emotionally nor am I mature enough spiritually. I tried this whole dating thing a couple years ago and it's distracting. It's take up so much time, and though that doesn't bother me, I wouldn't mind spending the majority of my time with him, I know it isn't wise. I need to spend my time getting my education and thinking about my future, I need to work on my future career and preparing for college in just a couple of years. Above all else, I need to spend my time with God, worshipping him and praying about how I can serve Him better.

I am a crappy daughter of God. I suck at being obedient and steadfast in my relationship with Him. Seriously, I still wonder why He loves me so much when all I do is screw up and make excuses. He still does though. He values and loves me, He never overlooks me like I feel so many people do. He takes care of me and comforts me when I'm an emotional wreck. Whenever I feel alone, I call out to Him and He's there. He's always there, never leaving me to deal with life on my own.

After all I've done, all the horrible decisions I've made and the amount of times I have lied to him about putting Him first, He still loves me and never fails to remind me. It is so overwhelmingly amazing how wonderful and gentle He is Which is why I am not going to allow myself to get caught up in a relationship with any guy, no matter how much I like him.

God needs to come first in my life. If I can't maintain a relationship with Jesus, the who loves me more than I can comprehend and will never fail me, how am I suppose to keep a relationship with someone who can and most likely will fail me at some point or another?

The time will come when I am ready and I have faith that God will bring a wonderful man into my life as He has promised, but I'm still human. I'm still going to crush on my best friend and feel dumb while doing so. It's okay to like him, I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just not going to act on these feelings and let history repeat itself, but I fear that if he knew how much I like him, he would think otherwise. And though I am determined to stay true to my word, I'm still afraid that I'll let my emotions get the best of me. I don't want that. It would more than likely damage my relationship with my best friend and I don't want to destroy any more good things in my life than I have already.

This is not where I intended to take this blog, but I'm emotional and frustrated, dang it. I needed a reminder that I can deal with this annoyingly persistent crush and focus on God.

It sucks that I can't be as honest with my best friend about this and it makes me a little lonely, but I'll be fine. I'm not the kind of person to get all bent out of shape about a guy, at least not anymore. He's my best friend and no feelings are going to get in the way of that.

Let me say it again for that little part of brain that isn't listening.

He's my best friend and no feelings are going to get in the way of that.

Get out of my way feelings, shoo!

I am convinced that this is a disease. A sickness. I've caught feelings. *shudders*

Please, for anyone person actually reading this, pray for me. Pray that I don't do anything stupid, cause I'm good at that. I am amazing at doing stupid things. I'll be praying my most consistent prayer:

Jesus, help me not be a moron about this.