That Little Ache We All Know and Love

September 2nd, 2017
12:57 AM

You know that little ache? The one you get when you hear something that makes any semblance of a smile on your face drop. The one that makes your heart speed up just a bit before thumping a slow, painful beat. But it doesn't make you cry, as much as you want it to. It's just enough for you to notice and pretend it doesn't exist.

Yeah, that little ache. Don't I know it. More than ever in this moment.  

A while ago, I posted about my best friend I was beginning to like. Then I posted about how much I liked him and how much it killed me. Well, I'm past that stage. I'm full on crushing. It's the whole shebang, the relentless butterflies that I've accepted, my cheeks hurting from smiling too much (and I don't even have to be talking to him), the thinking about him all through the day and night. The fantasizing of cuddling and showering each other in kisses and simply being with him. I hate that part the most. 

It can be sweet and exciting, one of the best experiences of being a teenager, but liking somebody sucks. I would tell you, "Oh! but don't be afraid to like someone," but that would be hypocritical of me.

I talked to some friends about how I was feeling, about that ache and how he, none the wiser, was causing it. Being on the end of relationship advice, I realize that telling someone the person they like doesn't deserve them has absolutely no meaning.

What does that even mean? He's flawed, this I know, but what it mean to be undeserving somebody? I don't deserve the love of Christ. I don't deserve His forgiveness and protection. So does deserving something or someone really matter? But I'm not God. I'm flawed, too, so maybe I don't deserve him. Perhaps we're just a bunch of flawed people and the concept of deserving and entitlement is an illusion to make ourselves feel better.

In all honesty, what do any of us deserve? Certainly not another person, and it goes both ways. He doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve him, but that's not even what matters, because even if he did deserve me or I deserved him, we're not in a relationship and that's not going to change anytime soon. Probably not at all. 

They also told me that if he can't tell something is wrong, he's too self-involved to notice or care. They said that I should distance myself from him and have him figure out what's wrong. They asked if he ever even wonders about me. If he asks how I am and asks about MY love life. They were asking if he even cared about me, but here's the thing, he does. He cares about me a lot, there's no doubt about that, but there's no way to explain this to them. There's no reason either, they were only trying to help me. 

I know he cares because he doesn't let me forget. He always notices when something is wrong, he can tell when I'm upset when we're having a simple conversation. He knows when I'm tired, sad, mad, or excited in a single text. He knows me.

This isn't something I can simply explain to someone if they don't know our relationship, if they don't know just how close we are. You probably don't even understand unless you're in the same boat (my condolences if you are). If I did tell them, they'd ask me why he hasn't noticed how I'm feeling now. How I've been feeling.

The answer is simple, it isn't poetic in the slightest. It's actually kind of sad. Plain pitiful and appeases nobody.

If he's happy, I'm happy. That's the thing about the ache. Nobody sees it. It's small enough that it doesn't seep into my text messages, at least not yet. He wouldn't be able to notice because I only show him that I'm happy for him. He only sees my concern for him, he only sees that I want the best for him. There's no seeing past that because it isn't fake, I truly am. It always hurts a little, but I'm not going to complicate things with my feelings. He's always dealing with something with some girl, the ex he can't get over that crushes his heart every chance she gets, his need to be with someone. I don't want to stress him out further.

He's imperfect. So am I. There's nobody to blame and I'm not even going to attempt to do so. It would feel good to be bitter towards myself for developing these burdensome emotions. It would feel good to be mad at him for not knowing how I feel or not feeling the same way, but that's what I like to call selfish. There's nothing wrong with liking or not liking someone, there's nothing with not knowing if somebody likes you if they've never told you. There's nothing with that little ache. There's nothing wrong with feeling. It just depends on how you handle it.

I think I'm handling it okay. I'm not just thinking about myself and what I want, and I know he's not either. He's not self-involved, he just knows that I don't like it when he holds back and that I want to be here for him in every part of his life. That's all I care about. I've said it before, I'll say it again.

Feelings aside, he's my best friend. The little ache will weigh on my chest at times, but I'll be okay.

 
I don't mean to be that person, that blogger. The one that only ever writes about their crush or significant other, but I can't be the best blogger and it seems I only ever write on here when I'm feeling particularly emotional. And what can I say? I love boy talk, but you don't know that.