Tuesday, September 12, 2017

The Flith

I'm not the most motivated person. I've been this way most my life and because of it I've been called lazy, which isn't exactly wrong. So I'm kinda lazy. You can imagine this mostly applies to cleaning, school, anything I don't particularly enjoy.

Like when I'm drinking water in my room. Instead of getting up and throwing the water bottle away in the kitchen (I don't have a trash can in my room) I simply throw it on the floor and I've accepted this way of living. I've acceptable that pile of water bottles and crumpled pieces of paper five feet away from my bed. Everything builds up. The dirty clothes, the trash, the shoes that I always lose because I just throw them to the side when I get home. I'm a little filthy and I usually have no motivation to fix that. Usually.

There eventually comes a time when the water bottles become too much. The dirty clothes becoming a carpet on the floor is a little suffocating and I have nothing to wear. The random junk I have no need for and old notes I took from church are an eyesore, because now I can actually pinpoint what each pile of garbage is, but then there are the pads and tampons literally everywhere. How they wind up in every corner and crevice of the room, I have no idea.

I look at it and think, “This is fine.” but deep down, I know it's driving me a little mad. Then comes the point where I just have to clean, but it's not like I huff and get to work. It happens progressively, as if my mind is trying with all it's might to get me to do something about the mess and it can finally nudge me forward. It comes with the slow realization that the reason I migrated towards my bed to write is less about comfort and more to do with the fact that my desk is too messy to function. It's less my place to write and more my cat's place to puke when she eats too much. It happens when I begin to realize that the moment I get out of bed, my feet are coated in dirt and I have to constantly wipe them on random pieces of clothing on the floor throughout the day. I get that small nudge when I start to trip over clothes and the mess that is my room starts to come into the clean path from my bed to the door. I get a little bit of motivation when the filth is too much for even me.

Here's where my brain likes to trick me into to cleaning my room. I start with one thing. I think about how great it was when I still used to my desk to write and I think, “I should probably clean it up, it won't take too long.” Then I clean around my chair and under the desk, I pick up the clothes, but I have no place to put them. They're dirty, I can't put them in the basket with my clean clothes.

Side note, I have three baskets for this purpose, but the two other ones are already filled.

I need to clean them so I can put them somewhere, but my parents have gone to bed and the washing machine is right by their door. I decided to on putting them in garbage bags and washing them in the morning. I clean around the desk, but before I know it, I picked up . . . all? . . . the clothes?? Somehow I made it all the way over to the other side of the room and now my dirty clothes are together and ready to be washed??? How did this happen????

Then I suddenly have another bag I'm putting my trash into and the water bottles have been thrown away. My room is looking like a room and I can't stop there. The trash has been thrown away, the clothes off the floor, the feminine products are in unused makeup bags, and my sister is claiming things I don't want and I'm sweeping the remaining things into a pile in the middle of the room and I'm sorting things. I managed to clean off the bookshelf of my older sister's old things and my books have a place to go.

That's how it works. I start with one thing and that puts me in a cleaning mood. I got the motivation not because my parents told me to, but because I chose to do it and I had my own purpose.

I'm now in a clean room that doesn't even look like mine, but I'm reminded of one of the reasons cleaning my room after it becomes that mess bothers me so much. I swept up the floor, moved things around, and the dust and dirt and cat hair becomes unsettled. It's all flying the in air and as I'm finishing up, I'm also sneezing and dying.

By the way, if you're curious, here's a picture of everything I'm allergic to:

(I thought I had avoided food allergies, but it caught me with citric acid.)

I attempt to take allergy medicine, but it's in that moment when my allergies are the worst that I can't find it and my sneezes and sniffles are only getting worse. It's not the “Oh, a little bit of saliva is on my hand, better wipe it off.” sneeze, it's the nasty one. Anyone with allergies knows what I'm talking about.

I'm sitting here in my sparkly clean room and I'm dying. I've learned something today about messy rooms and letting it all build up.

Cleaning it up causes death. Just don't worry about it. Be filthy. It's fine.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

That Little Ache We All Know and Love

September 2nd, 2017
12:57 AM

You know that little ache? The one you get when you hear something that makes any semblance of a smile on your face drop. The one that makes your heart speed up just a bit before thumping a slow, painful beat. But it doesn't make you cry, as much as you want it to. It's just enough for you to notice and pretend it doesn't exist.

Yeah, that little ache. Don't I know it. More than ever in this moment.  

A while ago, I posted about my best friend I was beginning to like. Then I posted about how much I liked him and how much it killed me. Well, I'm past that stage. I'm full on crushing. It's the whole shebang, the relentless butterflies that I've accepted, my cheeks hurting from smiling too much (and I don't even have to be talking to him), the thinking about him all through the day and night. The fantasizing of cuddling and showering each other in kisses and simply being with him. I hate that part the most. 

It can be sweet and exciting, one of the best experiences of being a teenager, but liking somebody sucks. I would tell you, "Oh! but don't be afraid to like someone," but that would be hypocritical of me.

I talked to some friends about how I was feeling, about that ache and how he, none the wiser, was causing it. Being on the end of relationship advice, I realize that telling someone the person they like doesn't deserve them has absolutely no meaning.

What does that even mean? He's flawed, this I know, but what it mean to be undeserving somebody? I don't deserve the love of Christ. I don't deserve His forgiveness and protection. So does deserving something or someone really matter? But I'm not God. I'm flawed, too, so maybe I don't deserve him. Perhaps we're just a bunch of flawed people and the concept of deserving and entitlement is an illusion to make ourselves feel better.

In all honesty, what do any of us deserve? Certainly not another person, and it goes both ways. He doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve him, but that's not even what matters, because even if he did deserve me or I deserved him, we're not in a relationship and that's not going to change anytime soon. Probably not at all. 

They also told me that if he can't tell something is wrong, he's too self-involved to notice or care. They said that I should distance myself from him and have him figure out what's wrong. They asked if he ever even wonders about me. If he asks how I am and asks about MY love life. They were asking if he even cared about me, but here's the thing, he does. He cares about me a lot, there's no doubt about that, but there's no way to explain this to them. There's no reason either, they were only trying to help me. 

I know he cares because he doesn't let me forget. He always notices when something is wrong, he can tell when I'm upset when we're having a simple conversation. He knows when I'm tired, sad, mad, or excited in a single text. He knows me.

This isn't something I can simply explain to someone if they don't know our relationship, if they don't know just how close we are. You probably don't even understand unless you're in the same boat (my condolences if you are). If I did tell them, they'd ask me why he hasn't noticed how I'm feeling now. How I've been feeling.

The answer is simple, it isn't poetic in the slightest. It's actually kind of sad. Plain pitiful and appeases nobody.

If he's happy, I'm happy. That's the thing about the ache. Nobody sees it. It's small enough that it doesn't seep into my text messages, at least not yet. He wouldn't be able to notice because I only show him that I'm happy for him. He only sees my concern for him, he only sees that I want the best for him. There's no seeing past that because it isn't fake, I truly am. It always hurts a little, but I'm not going to complicate things with my feelings. He's always dealing with something with some girl, the ex he can't get over that crushes his heart every chance she gets, his need to be with someone. I don't want to stress him out further.

He's imperfect. So am I. There's nobody to blame and I'm not even going to attempt to do so. It would feel good to be bitter towards myself for developing these burdensome emotions. It would feel good to be mad at him for not knowing how I feel or not feeling the same way, but that's what I like to call selfish. There's nothing wrong with liking or not liking someone, there's nothing with not knowing if somebody likes you if they've never told you. There's nothing with that little ache. There's nothing wrong with feeling. It just depends on how you handle it.

I think I'm handling it okay. I'm not just thinking about myself and what I want, and I know he's not either. He's not self-involved, he just knows that I don't like it when he holds back and that I want to be here for him in every part of his life. That's all I care about. I've said it before, I'll say it again.

Feelings aside, he's my best friend. The little ache will weigh on my chest at times, but I'll be okay.

I don't mean to be that person, that blogger. The one that only ever writes about their crush or significant other, but I can't be the best blogger and it seems I only ever write on here when I'm feeling particularly emotional. And what can I say? I love boy talk, but you don't know that.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Those Moments

It's in moments like these when having a crush isn't so bad. When there are those instances you have where you both know you care about each other. Just those times when you can freely talk to each other without the worry of crossing lines or coming on too strong for a friendship.

It's the moments where you openly tell each other those three words that are usually so overused. It's not overused in the moment though, because they aren't false. You aren't rushing anything, you're quietly muttering them to each other because you need each other to know. It's rarely said, it's quiet, but heavily felt.

You've been there for each other for so long, breakthroughs have been made, milestones passed, and you're appreciating the day when they came into your life. That moment when you had that connection and you took that step on the path to them becoming one of the most important people to you. And you just sit there on your bed, smiling at the text message, because thank you God. Thank you for putting this person in my life.

The developing of feelings sometimes take a toll on you and you struggle with holding yourself back, but that's not what matters. What matters is that the two of you care about each other and the friendship you have is priceless. No fears are able to creep in, because it's solid.

Yeah, you like them. You sometimes imagine cuddling with them and holding their hand, but it's those moments that get you. Those precious moments, the ones you pick from your memories and hold so close that it sinks into your chest and takes a place in your heart.

It's those moments when you think to yourself, “I love this person.”

Maybe not romantically, not just yet. But those that unconditional love you hold for them, you can't put it into words. You try and try to explain it to them, but the only things you can say are “I'm so glad you're in my life.” and “You mean so much to me.”

It's not enough, but you can't say anymore than that. There's no way to truly express it, but it's okay because you both understand. You both know how the other feels, the struggle to get each other to understand is mutual.

Then he says that he loves you. It makes you smile, and you're just shaking your head with that smile, thinking, “I know that, dork.”

To some it might be a painful reminder of that unrequited crush, but you know those moments. Those moments where nothing matters and you just know that you care about each other in some crazy form neither of you can comprehend.

Yeah. I love those moments.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Catching Feelings

March 30th, 2017

Wanna know what sucks? Wanna know what absolutely sucks? Not being able to express yourself to someone in the way you want to. Not being able to say "I miss you" or "I love you" to someone for a number of reasons that make it impossible to. All tiny, insignificant reasons, but reasons nonetheless. Sure, I can say them occasionally when the moment is right, but I hate not being able to say them out of the blue without seeming like I have a huge crush on this person (which I do, but he doesn't need to know that).

I hate not being able to text him anytime I want without being afraid that I'm bothering him or he's busy or I'm going a bit overboard with texting someone who is just a friend. He's my best friend, but that's besides the point. The point is that I really want to somehow express that I care about him and miss him, but he's at school and I feel like a moron and I don't want him thinking that I'm this boy crazy girl who goes crushing on people left and right. I doubt he thinks that, but I am excellent at worrying over the silliest of things.

I know just yesterday I was talking about how I am perfectly content with being single and I'm not focusing on guys right now, and it's true. None of that was a lie. I'm not going to distract myself with wanting a boyfriend because I know that I am not ready for that. I don't need a guy in my life when I have so many more important things to worry about. Yes, I like this person, but that changes nothing in the long run.

What I'm getting at is I like this guy, but I can't do anything to express myself. I wouldn't care if he knew that I like him, but I don't want him thinking that I was to pursue a relationship. I don't want him to think that everything I say to him as a friend is in someway romantic. I love him, but not because I have a crush on him. I've only just recently admit to myself that there are some feelings there. I love him platonically and I don't want him to mix those three words up with me being all mushy and romantic. Before all else, he is my best friend and nothing will change that.

It still sucks to not be able to express how I'm feeling though. It's bottling up and it's annoying. I hate having a crush because I feel like such an idiot. I don't like the way my heart speeds up when I hear his text tone, I don't like the way my skin heats up whenever he says something sweet, and I don't like feeling so restricted. I hate feeling so cautious about what I say. I just want to be completely open with him about everything, but again, there's that fear.

I spoke about my fear briefly, but let me go into a bit more detail.

I do not want to be in a relationship. I am not stable enough emotionally nor am I mature enough spiritually. I tried this whole dating thing a couple years ago and it's distracting. It's take up so much time, and though that doesn't bother me, I wouldn't mind spending the majority of my time with him, I know it isn't wise. I need to spend my time getting my education and thinking about my future, I need to work on my future career and preparing for college in just a couple of years. Above all else, I need to spend my time with God, worshipping him and praying about how I can serve Him better.

I am a crappy daughter of God. I suck at being obedient and steadfast in my relationship with Him. Seriously, I still wonder why He loves me so much when all I do is screw up and make excuses. He still does though. He values and loves me, He never overlooks me like I feel so many people do. He takes care of me and comforts me when I'm an emotional wreck. Whenever I feel alone, I call out to Him and He's there. He's always there, never leaving me to deal with life on my own.

After all I've done, all the horrible decisions I've made and the amount of times I have lied to him about putting Him first, He still loves me and never fails to remind me. It is so overwhelmingly amazing how wonderful and gentle He is Which is why I am not going to allow myself to get caught up in a relationship with any guy, no matter how much I like him.

God needs to come first in my life. If I can't maintain a relationship with Jesus, the who loves me more than I can comprehend and will never fail me, how am I suppose to keep a relationship with someone who can and most likely will fail me at some point or another?

The time will come when I am ready and I have faith that God will bring a wonderful man into my life as He has promised, but I'm still human. I'm still going to crush on my best friend and feel dumb while doing so. It's okay to like him, I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just not going to act on these feelings and let history repeat itself, but I fear that if he knew how much I like him, he would think otherwise. And though I am determined to stay true to my word, I'm still afraid that I'll let my emotions get the best of me. I don't want that. It would more than likely damage my relationship with my best friend and I don't want to destroy any more good things in my life than I have already.

This is not where I intended to take this blog, but I'm emotional and frustrated, dang it. I needed a reminder that I can deal with this annoyingly persistent crush and focus on God.

It sucks that I can't be as honest with my best friend about this and it makes me a little lonely, but I'll be fine. I'm not the kind of person to get all bent out of shape about a guy, at least not anymore. He's my best friend and no feelings are going to get in the way of that.

Let me say it again for that little part of brain that isn't listening.

He's my best friend and no feelings are going to get in the way of that.

Get out of my way feelings, shoo!

I am convinced that this is a disease. A sickness. I've caught feelings. *shudders*

Please, for anyone person actually reading this, pray for me. Pray that I don't do anything stupid, cause I'm good at that. I am amazing at doing stupid things. I'll be praying my most consistent prayer:

Jesus, help me not be a moron about this.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Little Autumn's Little Crushes

March 28th, 2017

I have had many crushes over the years. My first crush was pretty bad. Not that I had it bad (I did, but that's not the point), I mean my nine year old self had horrible taste in guys. He had the long bangs that I found so attractive for some reason beyond me. He was older than me by a couple of year, but no one's attracted to a nine year old. He spoke low and deep, and now that I think about it, he probably sounded dumb in the way he was trying to seem masculine in front of the other girls.

I was crazy about him and I have no idea why. I wrote his name on my skin all the time with a sharpie, I would try to wear cute clothes whenever I went to church in hopes he would be there (he never was), and I said the stupidest things in front of him the few days that I knew him.

Let me tell you an embarrassing story. So we were in the other building of the church, sitting at a table together; the only reason we were at the same table was because I hung around my sister who hung around our cousin who my crush also hung around. Yeah . . . Anyway, they were just talking and I was admiring his face that I now know was not really all that pretty. My sister and cousin were talking about how this one other girl had a crush on him and he had noticed it. Me, being the moron that I was said exactly this:

"A lot of girls have a crush on you. And one of them likes your hair." Then I proceeded to sink down in my chair with what I assume was a love struck smile.

Why, younger Autumn? Why on Earth would you say that? Did you think that was subtle or something? Did you think you were wooing him with your flirting skills?

Ugh, I cringe every time I think about. It gets worse though, believe me. Another time when he was actually at church, we were in the Nursery with some other people and I showed him a necklace I had recently gotten that had an N on it. I told him the N stood for his name. I told him that! I'm beginning to wonder if I just didn't care about being subtle at all. Later that day I accidentally threw a heavy, plastic, egg shaped toy at his crotch.

Yup, I was wooing him alright.

I still wonder why I ever had a crush on him.

My second crush was this really bratty boy who cried a lot. We were considered cousins, but it was distant so I didn't consider us actually related. How that one ended was when he stopped hanging out with me after he read my diary about my crush on him. It was awful. And I was so dramatic about it, too. I had this whole speech planned out to apologize for having feelings I couldn't control blah blah blah.

After that I just had bad crushes on boys I met at summer camp. My taste in guys got better as I went on, but then I made the mistake of secret dating one when I was twelve, thinking he was the one and we just had to persevere. I had this whole fantasy of growing up and getting married and having a big family with him.

Problem #1: WE WERE 12

Now, I'm not saying you can't date someone at a young age and end up having a future with them. One of my dance teachers got married to a boy she's liked and been with since she was 13. It just didn't work for me because I was a moron who thought I had everything figured out and I knew what love was.

Problem #2: He didn't want a big family. He wanted two, maybe three kids. I want five. I want lots of kids.

Problem #3: It felt wrong to be with someone without my parents knowledge and approval.

I'm a daddy's girl. Always have and always will be. I want a man who can get to know him and get my dad's blessing. When my future husband wants to propose to me, I want him to ask my dad. I want his approval, and it felt wrong to be going against what my dad has always told me. I didn't like disobeying him and my little secret boyfriend would always throw a fit whenever I suggested we wait (I ended up breaking the boy's heart, so he says, so it doesn't matter now. I realize that he was and still is really annoying and has little respect for girls.)

Problem #3: He didn't and still doesn't like to read.

THAT is a deal breaker for me. I'm a writer. I'm going to be a published author. That's going to be my career and life. He complained every time I sent him something to read. I'm not going to put up with that when it's something I'm passionate about. My sister, who is engaged to her boyfriend she's been with for three years, said that when you love someone, you love what they love. He didn't love what I loved and I didn't love what he loved. We were fooling ourselves with the idea of love.

Problem #4: We just didn't match very well

He got emotional and I got fed up. He complained and I complained about his complaining. I liked being alone when he wanted to be with him, and he wanted to be alone when I wanted to be with him. It just didn't work. It probably would've if we would have just waited until we were more mature and ready to maintain a healthy relationship. We were idiots and that not only ruined our chances of being together in the future, but it hinders any friendship we could've had.

My taste in guys has gotten better since I've matured and gotten to know and discover myself. I know what I want now and what kind of person I want to spend my life with. I don't really worry about boys much anymore because God told me through someone else not to; He's preparing someone for me and I have to be patient.

So that was the end of all my left and right, back and forth crushing. It doesn't work and I'm not going to convince myself that I know better than God (I most definitely do not. It is only because of Him that I'm okay now).

So there's someone out there for me. I don't need to search him out, I'm not desperate to find him, because God will bring us together when the time is right. I trust Him, so I'm waiting. Patiently and happily. I'm content with my single status.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Those Moments of Awe and Joy

March 23, 2017

Does someone ever do something for you and it just blows you away? Like something for your birthday or a random little occasion in which a friend does something special. Someone gets you a present or gesture and you tear up and don't know what yo say. You're speechless and so touched, you just don't know what to do except smile and thank them over and over. Do you know what kind of moments I'm talking about?

Usually those kinds of moments for me are about small and oftentimes silly things. I always get super happy whenever my Sunday school teacher gives me the left over donuts or when my family gives me the last cookie (for some reason it always it always revolves around food. . .).
Then there are moments that are more serious and significant, not that donuts are any less significant. Those kinds of moments revolve more around words for me. I am not one to swoon over pretty words coming from anybody. It's hard for to open up and get close to people, but whenever I do show my whole self to someone and they reciprocate, well, it means a lot to me.

The first time I said "I love you" to my best friend, I was kinda nervous she would just smile and nod, humoring me and my stupidity. I don't take those three words lightly, because they are more than just feelings to me. They are more than just the thing to say when you know someone for long enough. So whenever I say it to anybody, I'm serious and most likely terrified the first time I do. Yes, she said the back and I had a smile on my face for the rest of the day.

It's those little things that get to me, it's the tiniest things that give me those moments of awe and joy. I more often than not get flustered and struggle to say something, because I take everything so seriously and deeply.

Well, I had one of those moments today. A person very dear to me wrote a me the loveliest, sweetest poem for my 200th day on Miraculous Amino (it's like a birthday every 100 days. I find it adorable because people will message you and comment on your profile congratulating you and wishing you a happy whatever hundred day it is for you).

I could go on and on about this, but how about I just show you the poem?


The wind rustles a few stray leaves
Leaves with colours, warm, and a promise, cold
They flutter about in the gentle breeze
Spiraling free, so daring and bold

The one raking them up sighs
As they are scattered once more
Before getting right back to work
Gathering leaves off the floor

On, the breeze whistles
Among the long scarves and coats
Of people battling the chill
As they match the whistling wind's notes

It's that time of year
When animals store up supplies
Preparing for winter
Before it arrives

Although the days shorten
And bright sunny days are few
It is by no means a season
In which to start feeling blue

The streets are laced with vibrant colours
Yellows, oranges, and res
Of the tree's last, bright goodbyes
Before they settle into their beds

Fall is my person favourite
Of all four seasons
It's astonishingly beautiful
To name just one of the reasons

The sheer beauty that comes with it
And the promise of change and things new
Inspires great wonders within me
As I observe it's ever-changing hues

Like the free, spiraling leaves
You taught me I can go in any direction I choose
That's always okay to be different
And to have unique, even unusual views

Like the poor soul sweeping up leaves
You taught me how frustrating life can be at times
But with perseverance and a good-natured spirit
The rewards will be sublime!

Like the happy, mischievous breeze
Ruffling children's hair as it gently blows by
You've taught me how to find humor
Smile and laugh, and not always sigh

Like the critters storing away for the winter
You've shown me how important it is to plan
How procrastination, although seemingly friendly
Can cause the downfall of even the strongest man

Like the stunning beauty of fall
You've inspired me more than you'll ever know
Not only as a writer, but as a person
You've helped and guided me to grow

- Retrofox

For my 200th day, I have been set to smile all day. That's all I can really say in my still giddy state of happiness. These words are overwhelming. Thank you, Retro.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Maybe Someday . . .

March 13th, 2017

I have this really bad habit of piling a bunch of things on top of myself and wondering why I'm so stressed. Some things I don't even have to do, like certain projects I have for fanfiction and potential books I plan to write in the future. Those things I don't necessarily have to do, but because they are important to me and I treat them like they're going to save someone's life, I take it upon myself and add it to that long list.

Now, the most stressful things are the one I do have to do. Those little things called responsibilities and the other crap I agree to do. My homeschool group put together a team of people to create a yearbook. It was optional, my mom didn't make me do it, but because I wanted to go to this fancy school of arts at the time, I figured it would give me a better chance of getting in and it could be fun. Well, I changed my mind about going to that school because it decided that it wouldn't benefit me as the other things in my life would (like dance and other things that would come up in the future that I would not be able to do if I went to a school that let their students out at 5pm). And, unsurprisingly, working on the yearbook is not fun. I repeat: It. Is. Not. Fun.

I'm only working on two pages, the page about co-op and about the yearbook committee. It wouldn't be that big of a deal if the lady who put the team together would help us and explain what exactly she wants in it. I'm a clueless little homeschooler! I don't do things like that, I don't have experience. What is she trying to get out of us when she should know that the majority of the people on the team don't have clue on how to properly do it. I could figure it out, yes, but I do very poorly when I'm left to my own devices on something I have never done before.

So I have to do that mixed with the things I feel would grow me as a writer, and recently the youth group worship team leader reached out to me and asked if I was interested in becoming a student leader. Now this I am ecstatic about! To do something for God that would not only benefit myself, but the church and people God brings into the church. I love that I have been given the opportunity, but just like with the year book committee, I don't know what to do.

Nicole, the worship team leader, has given me many options and has pretty much given me free reign on what I want to do or learn. I want to write, of course, so I told her that. She asked if I could write songs. I said I haven't in a long time, but I could try. If God wants me to be her lyricist, then I can do it. But that's just about all there is to say. She invited me to sit in on a worship rehearsal, I went, and I didn't get much out of it aside from the confirmation that I am not needed to learn an instrument (and the one instrument I want to learn –piano– is the one the two other girls Nicole asked to step up are very familiar with). I haven't gotten any word from Nicole, so more than it being another thing that I piled on top of myself, I'm nervous.

I really want to do something and lead someone in some way, but as of right now, I don't know how. That's something for me to pray on though. I shouldn't worry about it, but hey, I'm human. Humans are really good at worrying about everything despite the fact that worrying does absolutely nothing to help.

I should probably text Nicole and ask if she wants to meet up and talk about what I could do, or I could ask if I could come on practice Tuesday so we can talk, but oh! That's right! For the next month I'm going to busy doing this other thing I agreed to.

This one doesn't upset me, but it's a lot like dance. My older sister asked me if I wanted to join this temporary group with her and one other person to learn karate for this teen talent competition. We're going to learning chunks of martial arts and sloooowly do them to a version of Amazing Grace. It's fun, I'm learning how to properly punch people, and it's a great way to put myself out there and really do something for once. I really like it and I'm so excited I'm getting to do this. I also get to call our teacher "Sensei" (to which he is unamused, but I finally get to use it without being called a weeb, dang it!).

It's a lot like dance, meaning I have to practice relentlessly along with relentless practice of actual dance. And dance has gotten a lot harder since I graduated into the Freshmen class.

So I go over to spend three days with my grandparents every week in order to make practice while worrying about all this other stuff I have to do or I feel I have to do. Like co-leading a Miraculous Ladybug blog on Miraculous Amino and reading books for school and catching up in math and just sitting and wondering, "Why am I doing all of this?"

I was going to end this post right there, but I came to a conclusion.

I have spent my whole life subconsciously thinking that I am only worth something if I do something. If I do something that someone else can confirm is actually significant to more than just me, then I've done something to give me worth. I hate doing so many things and stressing myself out, but if I don't, I feel like I am a waste of space. Like I'm just stealing the air from other people when I could be something more than a lump of tissue and blood and organs covered in skin. Like simply existing and being who I am isn't enough to be important to somebody ― anybody.

That's pretty harsh thinking, but I think It's true that I feel that way in some corner of my brain where everything is dark and dreary. I feel like some lazy glutton if I don't do anything. I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I'm spending time for my own relaxation a lot of times, so it makes sense that in order to feel important I take the responsibility of doing a bunch of crap even they don't have some long term impact or I don't really care about them. A lot of times I still do nothing, I still procrastinate, but maybe it's just the thought of I have a bunch of things to do that I will eventually do that comforts me.

None of this is for certain, I'm psychoanalyzing myself. But it's plausible. It makes a lot of sense, but if all that is true that I am taking the responsibility of doing all of these different things, how can I do them without their sole purpose of being to make me feel like I have worth? How can I not agree to do a bunch of things that stress me out and still like I have some significance?

I might have an answer someday, but I'll work on that when I finish all that I have to do right now.