September 14th, 2017
7:34 PM
I've talked a little bit about my relationship with my dad and how it's gotten a bit bumpy here and there. With many failed attempts at learning how to do this properly, I've finally learned a way to communicate with him where I can express myself properly without being interrupted. It's actually really simple. I write a letter to him. I wrote him something a while ago and finally built up the courage to show it to him. After he read it, we had a good talk and figured some things out. Though I'd normally be too embarrassed to show this to anybody, I thought that since little to no one reads this personal blog of mine, it'd be fine to share it, and maybe this will be encouraging to someone else who is having difficulties talking to a parent.
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The date is July 20th, 2017.
Two days before I go to Elizabeth's house.
The day after Brooke and Jean broke the news that they're having a
baby.
The day you told us, me and Michelle, that
you are fed up.
I'm sure you remember very clearly. You
came home to a dirty house and lazy children, as always. You very
likely held your anger back and asked us to do it before bed, and you
hoped we would. You probably doubted it though, because from the way
you talked tonight, those were words were ones you thought about
saying for a while.
You get to say what you need, what
you've been wanting to say, so now it's my turn. Allow me to explain
why I'm crying and feeling angry and hurt at 11:33 pm.
I am lazy. I am lazy and I rarely do
anything productive.
You're always saying, “I bet you
don't even remember what you did today.”
I do, actually.
Today I went to sleep at 6:05 am
because I was up all night reading What Light by Jay Asher. I will
admit that I lost track of time and when I thought to check, it was
around 4:30 am. It was late. I knew I needed sleep, but the book just
kept getting better, so I continued reading until I was too exhausted
to. So because I went to sleep at such an unreasonable time, I woke
up at 1:56 pm this afternoon. Then I spent the next two hours
finishing the book. I also ate chips and dip and popcorn as I read.
It's awful, I know.
Then I browsed Instagram for a little
while until I came across an ad for a game. It's called Don't Touch
the Black Tiles 2 (or rather, Piano Tiles). I had the first one a
long time ago and I was really good at it. It's fun, I like games
with music, so I downloaded it and as it turns out, I'm still really
good at it. I spent several hours just playing that.
Again, it's awful.
I later went into the living room to
show Michelle the game and then said, “Wait, we should do our chores
before Daddy gets home.”
She replied, “Daddy's coming home
around eight.”
So, I didn't do it. I thought I had
time to finish it and before I knew it, I heard your truck in the
driveway.
My initial reaction was “Oh, crap. Go
and look like you were doing something productive.”
My next thought was, “I can't believe
I did it again.”
I do this nearly every single day. I
browse, I scroll, I read, I lay in bed and eat, I play games, and I
read some more. I think about doing my chores, but I always end up
doing something else. I spend so much time doing such useless things,
and then I get upset when you fuss.
So I am lazy, I have little
self-discipline, I am ridiculous, I'm filthy, I don't care about
anything important, and I hate it.
I hate how I live my life. I hate how I
get ticked off and snap at Momma anytime she mentions school. I hate
how when you were fussing tonight, I wasn't intimidated or ashamed. I
was angry. Oh, I was so angry. I was saying so many awful things in
my head about you and everything you were saying. When you called me
into the living room, I thought, “Oh, dear. It's this again.”
I thought about how ridiculous you were
being and how you don't understand anything. I had my arms behind my
back for two reasons. It makes me seem submissive and I knew that's
what you were looking for. You didn't want to see any defiance
because you were fed up and upset, and quite frankly, I didn't want
to show it because I knew it would rile you up further. The second
reason was to keep my hands out of sight. They give everything away.
I mess with my finger and twiddle and pop them when I'm nervous. I
clasp them when I'm upset. I pinch myself when I'm angry. I hide my
hands because I'm trying to hide how I feel.
I was pinching myself to keep my
expression neutral.
I've heard it all before. You work all
day and we do nothing. You're tired of our behavior and you're done.
No more of this, and you set these rules and restrictions and
consequences. I knew it was all coming. I expected it. Nearly
everything you said has been said several times before. I've heard it
all, so it didn't have much of an effect on me.
At that point I'm just thinking, “Do
you have to repeat everything over and over again? Yes, I heard you.
Get to the point. M.C Beth double updated today and I was in the
middle of chapter 19. Hurry and let me get back to it.”
Now, of course I was planning on
getting everything straightened up as you asked, but nothing major
changed while you were giving your speech. That talk, the scolding,
its mark in our minds is temporary. It always is. Something would've
changed long ago otherwise.
Anyway, it wasn't until you said
something new that things changed. You said, or at least something
along these lines, “I'm done with encouraging. It's not working.”
When I heard that, I pinched myself
harder. My anger flared, but it soon morphed into hurt. You're done?
You aren't doing it anymore? But Daddy, when did you start?
I remember for about a week, you would
tell me, “I would like to encourage you to get your chores done.”
Every time you said that I would laugh
a little. That's not what I meant at all, but it warmed my heart that
you were trying. I thought that you would get better at it. You would
learn what buttons to push to get me going, but I've come to realize
that I don't know where those buttons are. I don't even know If I
have them anymore.
I am unmotivated. I don't care about
doing anything and even when I want to care, I can't bring myself to.
I don't feel like doing anything ever and absolutely nothing
motivates me.
I know I'm smart, but I have no
motivation to do school and show my intelligence. I know I am capable
and I can be hard working, but I don't ever care. It's gotten to the
point where I don't know how to do things anymore. How do I get up
and do that math I'm falling behind in? How should I go about it? How
do I get to the point where I can just go and do what I'm supposed
to?
Then I have the audacity to be
embarrassed when school and grades are brought up around my friends.
Michaela got above average on her ACT. Zack is really good at math, a
while ago he gave me a tip about something and I didn't even know the
terms he was using.
I'm embarrassed and yet I do nothing to
change it. I often ask myself why I'm like this. Why can't I find it
in me to just do it?
It has also bled into the things I
enjoy. I started writing An Expectant Whirlwind months ago and I'm
just now beginning chapter five. I wait until the very last minute to
write my part of the Ladyblog. I haven't studied for my psychology
test, you know, the thing I specifically asked Momma to get for me.
It's been a couple months since I've written for my personal blog.
It's not just procrastination, it goes a step further. I've already
said it a couple of times, but I think this calls for bold letters.
I am unmotivated.
And I don't know
what to do about it. It kills me everyday. Sometimes I think I'm
broken.
So after coming to
this conclusion, I asked myself, “What am I trying to get Daddy to
do then?”
You're right, it's
not working. It's not working because nothing works on me. I think
what it was is I was hoping that you changing how you disciplined me
would change me. I wanted it to work, but I continued to lay around
and do nothing. I just read all day with no regard, and then I
worried and stressed about the things I was supposed to do while not
doing them.
I also think that
some part of me knew it wouldn't work and I just wanted someone to
pin the blame on. And boy did I blame you. I was bitter and I'd
grumble about it in my fantasies. I had somehow convinced myself that
it wasn't my fault.
Though I wasn't
lying when I said that the way you reinforce things hurt me. Cause it
does. It hurts a lot.
So while I was
still angry after you left, I do what I always do while blaming you,
I Google things for you. I type in questions in the search bar as if
I were you looking for answers. This time around my first one was
“What does encourage mean” The suggestions added “in the bible”
so I clicked on that.
After all, what
better way to convince you to do something than to have the bible
back it up?
Yes, I'm horrible.
After looking
through some articles, I found one that really spoke to me. I was
originally looking for an expanded definition of encourage to prove a
point to you or something, but this one made me think that maybe I
don't know what it means.
This is what it
said (yes, the whole thing):
Did you know that the Greek word for “encourage,” parakaleo,
appears 105 times in the New Testament? That’s a lot! Encouragement
is one of my spiritual
gifts, and I’m very passionate about it. Over the years,
however, I think there’s been a slight misunderstanding about what
it really is.
Somehow, encouragement has become confused with complimenting or
praising others. While praise can be part of encouragement, it
doesn’t cover the full meaning of the word. We often think of
encouragement as saying nice things to others to make them feel good
about themselves, but this is closer to the definition of a
compliment. Encouraging someone can mean you’re giving them support
or confidence, but
is also means that you’re helping to develop something in them.
When the Bible talks about encouragement, it usually means that
one is calling someone to their side in order to teach, comfort,
strengthen or push them to act in a certain way. There are a few
other words in the Bible that have similar meaning, such as exhort,
warn or admonish, but they are mostly used in
Paul’s letters. People who encourage others say with love what a
person needs to hear, when they need to hear it–even
if it isn’t what the person wants to hear.
Consider the book of Ephesians. When Paul founded the Ephesian
church, the city of Ephesus was a major occult city. The worship of
the Greek goddess Artemis was the city’s main attraction, but many
other types of occult practices thrived there as well. It was a very
dark place for followers of the Lord. It was extremely important that
the Ephesian believers maintained unity
among themselves so they wouldn’t struggle alone in their new
faith. Paul encouraged them to remain unified in his letters to them.
Therefore, I the prisoner of
the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with
which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with
patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent
to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace (Ephesians
4:1-3, NASB).
The New American Standard Bible translates the word “parakaleo”
as “implore.” When Paul says he “implores them to walk in
a manner worthy,” he’s actually saying that he encourages
them to walk that way. The Ephesian believers were allowing disunity
to creep into their fellowship of believers, and Paul is telling them
what they need to hear in order to change their behavior.
I’ve seen lots of comments and questions from PI girls about
friends who used to follow God but are now following Him less or
making ungodly choices. When you confront a friend about this to urge
them to get back in line with God’s will, you are encouraging
them. Encouraging means telling people what they need to hear in
order to bring about a change in action, feeling or belief, but when
we encourage others, we should always do it with love, grace and
wisdom. Sometimes encouragement is best to do in private, especially
if the issue is a sensitive one. Remember: Your encouragement makes a
difference!
Have you ever had to encourage someone to change a harmful
behavior?
Therefore encourage one another and build up one
another, just as you also are doing (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
- Project Inspired
I knew
this, but I was so caught on the idea of encouragement, thinking that
it must be the solution to my problem, that I distorted it into being
the things I wanted to hear. And I think, though I may be wrong, you
also knew this and distorted with your desire to make me start
obeying you.
My favorite
part of this is “When the Bible talks about encouragement, it
usually means that one is calling someone to their side in order to
teach, comfort, strengthen or push them to act in a certain way.”
So I was
right. Encouragement is what I need, but we both need to fully
understand it. It's not telling someone what they want to hear, but
showing them what they need. I feel like so many people forget about
the teaching part.
I started reading
this article in a very bitter state of mind, but it mellowed out as I
read.
So I've gotten
passed my anger and mostly passed my hurt. And I'm sorry. I haven't
been honest with you. Our relationship is not doing okay at all
because of how angry I've been. I was angry at you and angry at
myself. I was angry that you stopped trying to encourage me and it
really hurt me tonight when you confirmed it, but please, don't give
up. Let's not give up on this. There is a solution, but we haven't
come to it yet.
I am an awful
daughter, but please don't give up on me. I think we're
misunderstanding things. I think we don't know each other nearly as
well as we should.
So let's
communicate and help each other.
The date is
November 3rd, 2017.
The day before my
first competition. The day you talked to your co-worker about them giving
me a ride.
The day you yelled
at Michelle about the dishes and then apologized with chocolate.
I read this again
and cried because every word still applies.
-
After my dad read it, we talked about how we failed at talking to each other and how we could get better, we talked about what it meant to encourage not just me but both of us, we talked about love languages, we talked about how to better express ourselves, and many things I talked about in the letter. One thing he mentioned was how much it hurt him when I talked bad about myself. He told that I'm not filthy, that I'm wonderful and beautiful and he loves me.
I think I worried over nothing about showing him the letter, because the truth is, this helped things between us. There was nothing to be afraid of. He loves me and he wants to know when something is bothering me.