Saturday, January 7, 2017

We All Fight

January 7th, 2017

I have many, many flaws. I could probably name all of the ones I am aware of, but that's not the point of this post. I'm not going to start complaining and putting myself down, but I do want to talk about a couple things about myself and things we all go through.

I, like many people, can easily give off the illusion that I have no problems. When I am in public and around people I know (or even don't know), I can make it seem like I have everything together and I am perfect and there is no possible way that I could have issues. I try my best to be polite and kind. I try my best to be as selfless as I can and I try my best to never complain. I do everything in my power to not seem weak or rude. It's not that I'm trying to deceive anybody, but I'm also not going around saying, "The world is out to get me! Oh, I have so many things that are just going wrong in my life. Woe is me!" Nobody wants to be around the kind of person who practically oozes negativity. I want to be positive and pleasant to be around, but I often take that and twists it's meaning that I have to pretend to be flawless.

Yeah, I have my problems, everyone does. I just don't talk about them. It's gotten to the point where if I do even say a thing about it that I begin to feel bad. There is this misconception that if you have issues and you talk about those issues, you are selfish. I have allowed myself to believe this for the longest time, but it's not true. So long as you are not using the things going on in your life to cause drama and get attention for the wrong reasons, talking about them is not something you should be ashamed. I started thinking about this a couple of months ago on a Wednesday night service at church. I can't remember what the question my youth pastor asked, but I answered by talking about how I fight through things that come up in my life, how I fight through the things that hold me back from being the woman of God I was made to be. When I got finished someone in the group named Bryce was gaping at me. He seemed kinda shocked. My youth pastor looked at him and questioned his expression. He said, "I just didn't know Autumn fought."

Everyone fights through something, this is a known fact, but some people are able to give the illusion that they have nothing to fight through. People like me are able to lead people to believe that we have everything together. I have my issues, we all do, and we don't have to be afraid of talking about them. If we need help or just some way of letting them out so that they don't pile up in our mind, we can talk about them. Write about them. We have been letting ourselves believe that saying anything about something negative in our lives is selfish and rude to the people we're talking to. If who you turn to is truly someone who cares about you, they won't think that you're just trying to get attention and make everything about you. They'll try to help you and listen.

There is nothing wrong with talking about your problems. We were not made to be by ourselves. We as humans can only handle things alone for so long. This whole topic came to my attention when I read over my last post after I woke up (I went to sleep at six in the morning, but still managed to get six hours of sleep). I looked at it and I did exactly what I thought I would right after I posted it. I cringed and I regretted it because I felt like everything I was saying was selfish and that I should keep those things to myself. I justified my guilt by saying, "So many people have it way worse than me. I have no right to complain over such silly things." This is a phrase that I hate. Yes, there will always be someone who has it worse off than you, but that doesn't mean how you feel and what you're going through is silly and invalid. You shouldn't have to hold back because someone has it worse than you. I'm not saying be obnoxious about it, but don't tell yourself you're being stupid by having feelings and things you have difficulty getting through.

This is something I'm still trying to convince myself.

The reason I abandoned and allowed all of my previous blogs and journals to fail is because I held back from being honest. I tried to make myself seem perfect and amazing through it all. I didn't talk about my feelings and my problems because I didn't want to offend anybody. I didn't want to be taken as a child who doesn't know anything. I didn't want to be looked at as naive and dramatic. No more of that. I am going to be honest and I'm not going to apologize for being human.

We all fight through something. Whether it's insecurity, anxiety, depression, something someone did to you, losses, lack of self-love, or anything at all! That is something you are fighting through and it's okay to be honest about it. It's okay to seek help and it's okay to tell somebody. Don't hold back because of that false image you made for yourself. We can get through this.

On a side note, today was freaking cold. My hands froze to death every time I went outside (what a wonderful time to have a birthday party for a one year old, right?). I'm just glad I had my penguin blanket with me all day. I love that blanket.

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