Friday, January 6, 2017

There Is Nothing Wrong With Me

January 7th, 2017.

I love being alone. There's just something about the refreshing silence and the freedom to do anything without judgment after a day of constant noise that draws me in. I love being able to just sit with myself and be content with whatever I'm doing. Like right now I am sitting in my room (well, it's actually my older sister's room, but she's rarely home anyway. I've pretty much claimed it.) snuggling under my penguin blanket while typing away. It's relatively quiet right now, the only exception being the cold wind outside blowing against the window and the sound of the heater. It's relaxing because I don't have to worry about sitting up straight, sucking in, or trying to appear friendly with my "pleasant smile". While it can be a lonely and restless time for others, the feeling of being alone is soothing to me.

Merely being in public can be exhausting even after a short period of time. I don't know what it is about socializing, but even though I enjoy talking and joking with my friends, I tire of it quickly. My smiles become forced and I have to push myself to have fun. I love everyone in my life, but sometimes I just need to take a step back and enjoy some time to myself. I have more than likely hurt people by being doing this.

I have a friend named Sayla. We aren't exactly close. We haven't had that connection, if you know what I mean, but I'd like to think that we are good friends. A couple months ago she asked if I wanted to come over, and even though I do like spending time with her, I declined because I had already spent the majority of my week doing things. I was tired and I needed a break, and I was completely honest with her about it (though I may have sugar coated it a bit). I'm not trying to hide the fact that I'm an introvert, but sometimes I wish I wasn't. Sometimes I wish I could go to a friend's house no matter how many things I do in a week. I wish I didn't have to fake a smile or force myself to enjoy being around people after an hour. I wish I could handle summer camp and overnight trips like my friends can. But I can't and that frustrates me sometimes. I don't know if I had hurt Sayla's feelings, but even the possibility that I did makes me feel more guilty than I should. I am this way for a reason and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. It is simply how I live, but sometimes I wish I could live in way that is easier for the people I care about.

I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish. I'm always wishing for something, and I wish I could stop and be happy with how I am, but life isn't that easy. There's always going to be something I wish I could change. There's always going to be something about myself I wish I could get rid of, but this is how I am. Some things are changeable and I can work on them for the better, but some things are not and I should accept that without feeling bad about it. Now, don't get me wrong, there is a vast difference between giving up and accepting. Giving up would be taking my temper and labeling that as something that is always going to be with me no matter how much I try to fix it. Accepting is looking at myself in the mirror and saying that there is nothing wrong with me and I don't have to worry. I want to accept myself, introversion and all. But I am a work in progress, we all are. I am working on myself, but the fact that I enjoy being alone more than I enjoy being around people is not something I have to categorize as a flaw. I like being alone, but that doesn't mean I'm anti-social. As much as I judge myself and stress so needlessly, there is nothing wrong with me as a whole.

I am usually quite happy with the fact that I am an introvert, but there are always those moments, like when I told Sayla I couldn't go to her house because I was tired (I felt so selfish telling her that), when being this way makes me dislike myself.

There is only one person outside of my family I can spend hours on end with without getting tired. I once stayed at her house for two days and was sad when I had to leave. I am more comfortable with her than I am with people I've known my whole life (technically I have known her my whole life, but we haven't been friends our whole lives). I can never thank her enough for accepting and loving me just the way I am. She sets the example for how I should love myself.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying being alone. There is nothing wrong with needing to spend time by myself. There is nothing wrong with needing to take a break from people. There is nothing wrong with being tired. There is nothing wrong with me, not in Elizabeth's eyes and certainly not in God's eyes. It's going to take me a lot of time to fully accept that, but I am a work in progress. I'll just keep repeating that there is nothing wrong with me like a prayer. I'll believe it eventually.

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