January 11th, 2017
After a long time of dealing with certain things and keeping all your emotions about it tucked inside and hidden away, it takes its toll on you and you just can't handle it anymore. There are many things like that; insecurity, anxiety, bullying, addictions, abusive relationships, etc. There are just those things that everyone had, has, or will have in their life, and it's more than likely that there will be multiple of those things in the different stages of your life. The biggest one for me right now is the words that my parents say to me.
I love my parents, I really do. They have sacrificed so much time and money and everything for me. They have shown me so much love and affection over the course of my life. They are incredible people whom I love, and I know that they love me, too. But humans tend to hurt the people they love the most. Sometimes it's because they're close to those people so things slip easier, and sometimes it's for other, more personal reasons. Either way, the people you're closest to are the ones you are more likely to hurt. I find this to be true as I face the pain and difficulties of being verbally abused by my parents.
They don't mean to do it. If they knew just how much the words affected me (affect? Effect? It doesn't matter how many articles I read, it's still troubling), they would try to stop. They would encourage me to finish the things they told me to do rather than constantly calling me lazy. They would ask me not to do something again rather than calling me retarded. They would not go on and on about how they should just try again (it's a half-joking, half-serious thing). They would try to understand the things I try to tell them rather than calling me rebellious. They would not compare my accomplishments (or lack thereof) to my sister's. They would be careful. If they truly understood how much it hurts me. If they knew.
I've talked to my older sister about this. I've told her about how I feel about it and what it does to my mind, and she understands because she feels it, too. She's been subject to the hurtful words our parents utter. She knows of the pain and insecurity that comes with being judged and insulted over things that are so silly and insignificant. She knows how I feel, because she feels it, too.
Every time someone says the word "Lazy" I instinctively put on a neutral expression and try my best to not let it hurt me. They don't even have to be directing it at me, it's just one of those words I hear too often that are pointed in my direction. My dance teacher once said that she does not tolerate laziness because she works hard. I felt a little pang in my chest because I heard the word. It's almost as if I have been called lazy so much that I am beginning to believe that I am. It's like I have allowed the insulting words my parents say define me, define who I am. I am not lazy. Sure, I procrastinate, and yeah, I could do better, but that's everyone. Everyone procrastinates on something and everyone can do better. But the word has been drilled into my mind to the point of believing that not only am I lazy, but I will never not be. I have resigned myself to laziness. I have resigned myself to the words my parents say when they are disappointed in me.
It's not just that though. That was just one example. I have allowed myself to be believe that I am so many things simply because I suck at consistently washing the dishes. I am not. I know I am not. I am capable and I am hard working when I am motivated, but it's hard to believe that I am when I hear so often that I am not.
It's just frustration and irritation that causes them to say such things. It's just the annoyance that they tell me to do something and I don't always do it. It's just them trying to get me to do things. It's just them expressing. But it hurts. It's hurts horribly so. I know they love me, but I feel like they acknowledge the things I don't do more than the things I do. I feel like they acknowledge how much I disappoint them more than how much they love me.
It's taken its toll on me. I'm tired of hurting and getting scared every time I hear my dad's truck when I haven't finished everything I'm suppose to do. I'm tired of trying not to cry every time one of them goes off. I'm tired of simply sitting back and letting myself get insulted constantly everyday.
Constantly, constantly, constantly.
But how do you tell your parents that they're hurting you?
That's exactly what I asked my youth pastor earlier today at church. Which is funny, because she actually preached on not letting the world define you. I think that was a God thing. Anyway, I asked her how I should go about talking to them. I asked her how I can get them to understand. I've been thinking about approaching them and talking to them about, but that's freaking scary. How on Earth are you suppose to tell your parents that without them telling me things like, "Well, you should do a better job." or "Then don't give us a reason to." How are you suppose to make them understand that they are doing something wrong?
I've always had a close relationship with my dad, but I can feel myself distancing myself from him as the insults continue. I can feel myself growing bitter. I can the contempt I am beginning to have for him. He doesn't know he's hurting me. It baffles me how someone can say such things and think that everything is okay. Because it's not. You can't say those things and expect everything to be fine. It's never fine. It hurts and influences. Even more so I've grown hatred for myself, because I have caught on to those hurtful words. I catch myself insulting my younger sister all the time. I call her brainless and dumb and stupid and idiotic, and I hate myself for it because I should know how much it hurts. Then that only fuels my bitterness towards my parents.
I don't want to feel that way. I love them. I love them so much, but I just don't know how to deal with this anymore. I've gotten to the point where I'm lashing out and crying in the shower because it I can't handle it. I've bottled it up for too long. It's violently coming out. It became clear to me that I need to talk to my parents when my older sister and I were talking about it. Something needs to be done. They need to know. So I asked my youth pastor and told her about it.
She said that I really do need to talk to them. A rift is forming in my relationship with my parents, and it's only going to get worse if I don't do something about it. She said that I need to pray, first and foremost. Pray a lot. Pray that God will give me the strength and courage to approach them and that He will give my parents an understanding of what I need to tell them. When I talk to them (she told me this part while using a conversation she had a have with her family at one point as an example, I have to tell them to listen to me without interruption, to not already have an answer thought of and really consider what I'm saying. I need to ask them to really listen and let me get it all out before answering, that way I will be able to have a serious, mature discussion with them. It is going to be hard and I'm going to waver, but God will give me strength. This is something I have to do.
I love my parents, and they love me. Not only do they need to know that they are hurting me, but they will want to know. It's pretty freaking scary, but I know God will give me the right words to say and my parents will at least try to understand.
P.S I'll blog about the talk afterwards
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Saturday, January 7, 2017
We All Fight
January 7th, 2017
I have many, many flaws. I could probably name all of the ones I am aware of, but that's not the point of this post. I'm not going to start complaining and putting myself down, but I do want to talk about a couple things about myself and things we all go through.
I, like many people, can easily give off the illusion that I have no problems. When I am in public and around people I know (or even don't know), I can make it seem like I have everything together and I am perfect and there is no possible way that I could have issues. I try my best to be polite and kind. I try my best to be as selfless as I can and I try my best to never complain. I do everything in my power to not seem weak or rude. It's not that I'm trying to deceive anybody, but I'm also not going around saying, "The world is out to get me! Oh, I have so many things that are just going wrong in my life. Woe is me!" Nobody wants to be around the kind of person who practically oozes negativity. I want to be positive and pleasant to be around, but I often take that and twists it's meaning that I have to pretend to be flawless.
Yeah, I have my problems, everyone does. I just don't talk about them. It's gotten to the point where if I do even say a thing about it that I begin to feel bad. There is this misconception that if you have issues and you talk about those issues, you are selfish. I have allowed myself to believe this for the longest time, but it's not true. So long as you are not using the things going on in your life to cause drama and get attention for the wrong reasons, talking about them is not something you should be ashamed. I started thinking about this a couple of months ago on a Wednesday night service at church. I can't remember what the question my youth pastor asked, but I answered by talking about how I fight through things that come up in my life, how I fight through the things that hold me back from being the woman of God I was made to be. When I got finished someone in the group named Bryce was gaping at me. He seemed kinda shocked. My youth pastor looked at him and questioned his expression. He said, "I just didn't know Autumn fought."
Everyone fights through something, this is a known fact, but some people are able to give the illusion that they have nothing to fight through. People like me are able to lead people to believe that we have everything together. I have my issues, we all do, and we don't have to be afraid of talking about them. If we need help or just some way of letting them out so that they don't pile up in our mind, we can talk about them. Write about them. We have been letting ourselves believe that saying anything about something negative in our lives is selfish and rude to the people we're talking to. If who you turn to is truly someone who cares about you, they won't think that you're just trying to get attention and make everything about you. They'll try to help you and listen.
There is nothing wrong with talking about your problems. We were not made to be by ourselves. We as humans can only handle things alone for so long. This whole topic came to my attention when I read over my last post after I woke up (I went to sleep at six in the morning, but still managed to get six hours of sleep). I looked at it and I did exactly what I thought I would right after I posted it. I cringed and I regretted it because I felt like everything I was saying was selfish and that I should keep those things to myself. I justified my guilt by saying, "So many people have it way worse than me. I have no right to complain over such silly things." This is a phrase that I hate. Yes, there will always be someone who has it worse off than you, but that doesn't mean how you feel and what you're going through is silly and invalid. You shouldn't have to hold back because someone has it worse than you. I'm not saying be obnoxious about it, but don't tell yourself you're being stupid by having feelings and things you have difficulty getting through.
This is something I'm still trying to convince myself.
The reason I abandoned and allowed all of my previous blogs and journals to fail is because I held back from being honest. I tried to make myself seem perfect and amazing through it all. I didn't talk about my feelings and my problems because I didn't want to offend anybody. I didn't want to be taken as a child who doesn't know anything. I didn't want to be looked at as naive and dramatic. No more of that. I am going to be honest and I'm not going to apologize for being human.
We all fight through something. Whether it's insecurity, anxiety, depression, something someone did to you, losses, lack of self-love, or anything at all! That is something you are fighting through and it's okay to be honest about it. It's okay to seek help and it's okay to tell somebody. Don't hold back because of that false image you made for yourself. We can get through this.
On a side note, today was freaking cold. My hands froze to death every time I went outside (what a wonderful time to have a birthday party for a one year old, right?). I'm just glad I had my penguin blanket with me all day. I love that blanket.
I have many, many flaws. I could probably name all of the ones I am aware of, but that's not the point of this post. I'm not going to start complaining and putting myself down, but I do want to talk about a couple things about myself and things we all go through.
I, like many people, can easily give off the illusion that I have no problems. When I am in public and around people I know (or even don't know), I can make it seem like I have everything together and I am perfect and there is no possible way that I could have issues. I try my best to be polite and kind. I try my best to be as selfless as I can and I try my best to never complain. I do everything in my power to not seem weak or rude. It's not that I'm trying to deceive anybody, but I'm also not going around saying, "The world is out to get me! Oh, I have so many things that are just going wrong in my life. Woe is me!" Nobody wants to be around the kind of person who practically oozes negativity. I want to be positive and pleasant to be around, but I often take that and twists it's meaning that I have to pretend to be flawless.
Yeah, I have my problems, everyone does. I just don't talk about them. It's gotten to the point where if I do even say a thing about it that I begin to feel bad. There is this misconception that if you have issues and you talk about those issues, you are selfish. I have allowed myself to believe this for the longest time, but it's not true. So long as you are not using the things going on in your life to cause drama and get attention for the wrong reasons, talking about them is not something you should be ashamed. I started thinking about this a couple of months ago on a Wednesday night service at church. I can't remember what the question my youth pastor asked, but I answered by talking about how I fight through things that come up in my life, how I fight through the things that hold me back from being the woman of God I was made to be. When I got finished someone in the group named Bryce was gaping at me. He seemed kinda shocked. My youth pastor looked at him and questioned his expression. He said, "I just didn't know Autumn fought."
Everyone fights through something, this is a known fact, but some people are able to give the illusion that they have nothing to fight through. People like me are able to lead people to believe that we have everything together. I have my issues, we all do, and we don't have to be afraid of talking about them. If we need help or just some way of letting them out so that they don't pile up in our mind, we can talk about them. Write about them. We have been letting ourselves believe that saying anything about something negative in our lives is selfish and rude to the people we're talking to. If who you turn to is truly someone who cares about you, they won't think that you're just trying to get attention and make everything about you. They'll try to help you and listen.
There is nothing wrong with talking about your problems. We were not made to be by ourselves. We as humans can only handle things alone for so long. This whole topic came to my attention when I read over my last post after I woke up (I went to sleep at six in the morning, but still managed to get six hours of sleep). I looked at it and I did exactly what I thought I would right after I posted it. I cringed and I regretted it because I felt like everything I was saying was selfish and that I should keep those things to myself. I justified my guilt by saying, "So many people have it way worse than me. I have no right to complain over such silly things." This is a phrase that I hate. Yes, there will always be someone who has it worse off than you, but that doesn't mean how you feel and what you're going through is silly and invalid. You shouldn't have to hold back because someone has it worse than you. I'm not saying be obnoxious about it, but don't tell yourself you're being stupid by having feelings and things you have difficulty getting through.
This is something I'm still trying to convince myself.
The reason I abandoned and allowed all of my previous blogs and journals to fail is because I held back from being honest. I tried to make myself seem perfect and amazing through it all. I didn't talk about my feelings and my problems because I didn't want to offend anybody. I didn't want to be taken as a child who doesn't know anything. I didn't want to be looked at as naive and dramatic. No more of that. I am going to be honest and I'm not going to apologize for being human.
We all fight through something. Whether it's insecurity, anxiety, depression, something someone did to you, losses, lack of self-love, or anything at all! That is something you are fighting through and it's okay to be honest about it. It's okay to seek help and it's okay to tell somebody. Don't hold back because of that false image you made for yourself. We can get through this.
On a side note, today was freaking cold. My hands froze to death every time I went outside (what a wonderful time to have a birthday party for a one year old, right?). I'm just glad I had my penguin blanket with me all day. I love that blanket.
Mission Sleep: Failed
January 7th, 2017
I was just about to go to sleep, but I started to get a bunch of negative thoughts and images as I closed my eyes and quickly decided that I should kill a little more time on the Internet to distract myself. It usually works and in a couple of minutes I can get back to going to sleep, but not this time.
I am a member of the Miraculous Amino, an app/community for people who love Miraculous Ladybug. You can probably guess that I write fanfiction. I have for about eight months now and I love doing it. Writing has been my passion for a long time, but writing fanfiction is a completely new experience. You don't create the characters since they're already made and have a personality already decided, but you instead get to interpret them. It's really fun because everyone interprets the characters slightly different. And you get to write in so many things you've always thought about the characters that no one else has thought of. It's kind of like characters and a story you share and can discuss with so many other people. Writing fanfiction is something I love doing.
I have written a good bit and got amazing feedback, but I've been on hiatus for a couple days and I find that it has the opposite effect than what I had intended. See, I went on hiatus after my youth pastors announced that they would be stepping down. It affected me quite heavily and I felt that I needed a break from certain things to calm myself down and bring my mood back up. I didn't want to write anything half-heartedly, that's not how I am. It's either all the way or not at all. So I took a break to sort things out.
I've been on hiatus for five days and it has only affected me in negative ways. I still get online, just without the pressure of needing to post things and comment and talk to people. It was kinda okay on the first and second day, but it's mostly made me feel disconnected from everybody on there. Simply watching has made me distance myself from the community and, if anything, It's only made me feel worse. I can handle this kind of thing though, I have before. I can handle feeling like I can't connect with people, because I feel that way on a regular basis, but while I was browsing the amino to distract myself, I came across a post that both made me smile for a certain user and make my chest hurt at the same time.
A very talented writer whom I will not name recently got a title. It has to do with fanfiction writing, of course, and this person deserves it! They really do, but I guess it made me upset because I've been jealous of this person. I'm not trying to sound shallow or petty, I swear. They can just do everything I can't when it comes to writing. I know I shouldn't compare myself with someone else, but I suck at doing the things I should. They're confident with what they do and they're quick, able to please both themselves and their readers. They can so easily flow with everything and create incredible pieces. I would like to think that I am a good writer, but I get anxious with everything I do. I worry and stress even over the rough draft of a fanfic I'm writing for fun. I overthink and make all these big plans that only make me overthink more. I love the ideas I have for my fanfiction right now, but I'm moving so slowly with so much indecision about them that I feel kind of hopeless. None of it is coming along as smoothly as I wanted it to and my ideas are just not getting across. I always have the problem of freaking out about everything that I end up doing more worrying than actual writing.
Writing is usually an outlet for my problems and something I do given any circumstance or emotion, but writing can be hard when you lose that inspiration you once had in the beginning of a project. I am going to see through all of it, do not misunderstand. I do not quit things I get so far on simply because I lose the motivation to do it, but while I'm just sitting here idly waiting for that spark to come back, everybody is moving ahead of me.
This user writes their fanfiction so quickly and they always turn out great. Everyone loves their work, and they should because it is amazing! But while they're moving along and writing and getting their work featured and everyone is singing their praises for them, I'm sitting here and doing nothing but whining about how much I'm going to miss my youth pastor and worrying about if I'm going to be able to open up to the new one the youth group is getting at the end of January. I'm sitting here becoming a nervous wreck because I can hardly open up to anyone. It took me over four years to open up to my youth pastor. Four years. I don't know how I'm going to be able to meet the new youth pastor and not feel bitter or upset. I don't want to judge this innocent person who is fulfilling God's will simply because I suck at opening up to people. I don't want to feel bitter about some amazing writing simply because they accomplished something and got a reward for their hard work. I don't want to be upset over so many silly things simply because I have no idea how to handle my emotions and I don't know how to deal with change.
I don't want everyone else to move ahead of me while I'm still floundering and stressing over what to do, but it's happening anyway. The truth of the matter is that I don't know what to do with any aspect of my life. I don't know what to write, I don't know how talk to people, I don't know how to just be happy for someone without adding jealousy to the mix, and I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what that silly hiatus was for at this point and I don't even know what I'm typing right now. I just feel hopeless and depressed, like I have no purpose and everything I'm even attempting to do right now is in vain. I feel pathetic for being so jealous of that writer and being so unnecessarily upset about a great opportunity for my youth pastor. I'm just a mess and I don't know what to do about it.
I am not truly upset about that writer getting a title. Good for them, really. I guess it just triggered something in me that made all these things I've been bottling up finally overflow. I just feel so incompetent, and I have nobody to tell this to because just feeling that way makes me feel like I'm being dramatic and ridiculous. I've always been one to seem composed and self-assured, but that's far from the truth. I have so little confidence and I'm far too sensitive for my own good. I just hide it well. I feel like that's more of a curse than a blessing.
I want to be able to call out and tell my loved ones this, but that's just the thing, I don't know how. I suck with words verbally. I can write them all day long, but once I actually try to get them out I just clam up and trip over everything I want to say. I know I said this once already, but I'm gonna say it again: I'm a mess.
I know God has a plan for all of this and I know that I will overcome this suffocating feeling of hopelessness. I just hope it comes into play soon.
(I apologize if this makes no sense. I needed to get it all out. In my defense, I am sleep deprived and emotional. Okay, I'm really going to sleep now).
I was just about to go to sleep, but I started to get a bunch of negative thoughts and images as I closed my eyes and quickly decided that I should kill a little more time on the Internet to distract myself. It usually works and in a couple of minutes I can get back to going to sleep, but not this time.
I am a member of the Miraculous Amino, an app/community for people who love Miraculous Ladybug. You can probably guess that I write fanfiction. I have for about eight months now and I love doing it. Writing has been my passion for a long time, but writing fanfiction is a completely new experience. You don't create the characters since they're already made and have a personality already decided, but you instead get to interpret them. It's really fun because everyone interprets the characters slightly different. And you get to write in so many things you've always thought about the characters that no one else has thought of. It's kind of like characters and a story you share and can discuss with so many other people. Writing fanfiction is something I love doing.
I have written a good bit and got amazing feedback, but I've been on hiatus for a couple days and I find that it has the opposite effect than what I had intended. See, I went on hiatus after my youth pastors announced that they would be stepping down. It affected me quite heavily and I felt that I needed a break from certain things to calm myself down and bring my mood back up. I didn't want to write anything half-heartedly, that's not how I am. It's either all the way or not at all. So I took a break to sort things out.
I've been on hiatus for five days and it has only affected me in negative ways. I still get online, just without the pressure of needing to post things and comment and talk to people. It was kinda okay on the first and second day, but it's mostly made me feel disconnected from everybody on there. Simply watching has made me distance myself from the community and, if anything, It's only made me feel worse. I can handle this kind of thing though, I have before. I can handle feeling like I can't connect with people, because I feel that way on a regular basis, but while I was browsing the amino to distract myself, I came across a post that both made me smile for a certain user and make my chest hurt at the same time.
A very talented writer whom I will not name recently got a title. It has to do with fanfiction writing, of course, and this person deserves it! They really do, but I guess it made me upset because I've been jealous of this person. I'm not trying to sound shallow or petty, I swear. They can just do everything I can't when it comes to writing. I know I shouldn't compare myself with someone else, but I suck at doing the things I should. They're confident with what they do and they're quick, able to please both themselves and their readers. They can so easily flow with everything and create incredible pieces. I would like to think that I am a good writer, but I get anxious with everything I do. I worry and stress even over the rough draft of a fanfic I'm writing for fun. I overthink and make all these big plans that only make me overthink more. I love the ideas I have for my fanfiction right now, but I'm moving so slowly with so much indecision about them that I feel kind of hopeless. None of it is coming along as smoothly as I wanted it to and my ideas are just not getting across. I always have the problem of freaking out about everything that I end up doing more worrying than actual writing.
Writing is usually an outlet for my problems and something I do given any circumstance or emotion, but writing can be hard when you lose that inspiration you once had in the beginning of a project. I am going to see through all of it, do not misunderstand. I do not quit things I get so far on simply because I lose the motivation to do it, but while I'm just sitting here idly waiting for that spark to come back, everybody is moving ahead of me.
This user writes their fanfiction so quickly and they always turn out great. Everyone loves their work, and they should because it is amazing! But while they're moving along and writing and getting their work featured and everyone is singing their praises for them, I'm sitting here and doing nothing but whining about how much I'm going to miss my youth pastor and worrying about if I'm going to be able to open up to the new one the youth group is getting at the end of January. I'm sitting here becoming a nervous wreck because I can hardly open up to anyone. It took me over four years to open up to my youth pastor. Four years. I don't know how I'm going to be able to meet the new youth pastor and not feel bitter or upset. I don't want to judge this innocent person who is fulfilling God's will simply because I suck at opening up to people. I don't want to feel bitter about some amazing writing simply because they accomplished something and got a reward for their hard work. I don't want to be upset over so many silly things simply because I have no idea how to handle my emotions and I don't know how to deal with change.
I don't want everyone else to move ahead of me while I'm still floundering and stressing over what to do, but it's happening anyway. The truth of the matter is that I don't know what to do with any aspect of my life. I don't know what to write, I don't know how talk to people, I don't know how to just be happy for someone without adding jealousy to the mix, and I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what that silly hiatus was for at this point and I don't even know what I'm typing right now. I just feel hopeless and depressed, like I have no purpose and everything I'm even attempting to do right now is in vain. I feel pathetic for being so jealous of that writer and being so unnecessarily upset about a great opportunity for my youth pastor. I'm just a mess and I don't know what to do about it.
I am not truly upset about that writer getting a title. Good for them, really. I guess it just triggered something in me that made all these things I've been bottling up finally overflow. I just feel so incompetent, and I have nobody to tell this to because just feeling that way makes me feel like I'm being dramatic and ridiculous. I've always been one to seem composed and self-assured, but that's far from the truth. I have so little confidence and I'm far too sensitive for my own good. I just hide it well. I feel like that's more of a curse than a blessing.
I want to be able to call out and tell my loved ones this, but that's just the thing, I don't know how. I suck with words verbally. I can write them all day long, but once I actually try to get them out I just clam up and trip over everything I want to say. I know I said this once already, but I'm gonna say it again: I'm a mess.
I know God has a plan for all of this and I know that I will overcome this suffocating feeling of hopelessness. I just hope it comes into play soon.
(I apologize if this makes no sense. I needed to get it all out. In my defense, I am sleep deprived and emotional. Okay, I'm really going to sleep now).
Thursday, January 5, 2017
A Little Habit of Mine
January 5th, 2017.
I have many little habits that a lot of people don't know about. It's not that I'm hiding them or anything, but they're the kind of habits that are so insignificant and small that either no one notices them or they just don't come up in everyday conversation. I'll probably speak more about these habits in the future, but right now I'm talking about one in particular that is actually pretty common.
I write on myself. It's more than just little doodles and shapes here and there though, I couldn't draw if my life depended on it. I like to write things to remember on myself. Paper can get crumpled and lost and ripped and so many other things, but it's hard to forget you have something you wanted to remember when it's in bold letters on your forearm. Right now I actually have a sentence on my arm from last Wednesday when my youth pastor was praying. It says, "If it was something I could do on my own, you would not have sent your son." She's kind of long-winded, but she speaks with so much strength and power that I like it more than anything. She is such an inspiration to me. I long to be the kind of woman she is. Her words and messages are so encouraging. I love writing down the things she says.
I also like to write other reminders on my skin. For example:
I have many little habits that a lot of people don't know about. It's not that I'm hiding them or anything, but they're the kind of habits that are so insignificant and small that either no one notices them or they just don't come up in everyday conversation. I'll probably speak more about these habits in the future, but right now I'm talking about one in particular that is actually pretty common.
I write on myself. It's more than just little doodles and shapes here and there though, I couldn't draw if my life depended on it. I like to write things to remember on myself. Paper can get crumpled and lost and ripped and so many other things, but it's hard to forget you have something you wanted to remember when it's in bold letters on your forearm. Right now I actually have a sentence on my arm from last Wednesday when my youth pastor was praying. It says, "If it was something I could do on my own, you would not have sent your son." She's kind of long-winded, but she speaks with so much strength and power that I like it more than anything. She is such an inspiration to me. I long to be the kind of woman she is. Her words and messages are so encouraging. I love writing down the things she says.
I also like to write other reminders on my skin. For example:
I wrote this Wednesday, too. My youth pastor and her husband will be transition to become missionaries with a sports ministry, so they're stepping down from being youth pastors. It's an amazing opportunity for them to not only grow as Christians, but spread the gospel. And I am ecstatic for them, I truly am, but it still hurts to see them go. They have done so much for me and they are very close to me. I cannot describe the way they have poured into my life and helped me change for the better, the way they have encouraged me to be the best person I can be and follow Christ without making it all about the dos and don'ts. They announced how and why they're leaving Sunday and I, of course, bawled my eyes out in the bathroom after letting a few tears slip out in the sanctuary. They were telling the youth group again Wednesday for anybody who wasn't there Sunday and I could feel myself starting to tear up again. I hate crying. No- I like crying when I'm by myself and I can let it out in peace, but I hate crying in public where people can see me. I didn't want to cry, so I took the pen I had and wrote "Don't cry". The only reason I took a picture of it was because after I wrote it I thought, "Oh! This would make a cool picture." and I posted it on Instagram XD
I also write things like "Calm down" and "Breathe" whenever I have to speak in front of even a handful of people. I write reminders that I'm doing okay and I don't sound stupid and that even if I mess up, no one will remember in a couple of days. I always do this when I'm feeling anxious or upset. I think it helps me stay calm and not freak out. Most of my habits are nervous ones, like I fiddle with my hair and sleeves or I'll sometimes count up to distract myself until I can calm down (last time I did that I counted to 307). I do all of these small things that little to nobody knows about, and I can't help but find them as the tiny things that help make up of who I am. It may be silly to think that, but I'm a very silly person with silly ideas.
I also write my otps on my skin, but I'm pretty sure every fangirl does.
Fun Fact: The only thing I can do well with my hands is playing video games.
Nope, not writing. You can probably tell that my hand writing isn't the best, and I don't even type on a keyboard correctly. I love writing and taking notes, but unless it's on my laptop, it doesn't look pretty.
Falling Behind
January 5th, 2017
I am a dancer. I have been dancing since I was four, and it is something I adore. I love the way I can feel the music as I move my body, allowing the rhythm of whatever song I'm dancing to take hold of my movements. It's almost as if muscle memory (after much practice of a routine) and the music corresponds with each other and gives my mind a break. Though it is hard work and it takes a lot of time, dancing is something I love to do. I don't want to go to college for it and spend my whole life dancing, that's reserved for writing, but I cannot imagine my life without being able to feel the music the way I can with dance. Unfortunately, I don't have to imagine it.
I am a dancer. I have been dancing since I was four, and it is something I adore. I love the way I can feel the music as I move my body, allowing the rhythm of whatever song I'm dancing to take hold of my movements. It's almost as if muscle memory (after much practice of a routine) and the music corresponds with each other and gives my mind a break. Though it is hard work and it takes a lot of time, dancing is something I love to do. I don't want to go to college for it and spend my whole life dancing, that's reserved for writing, but I cannot imagine my life without being able to feel the music the way I can with dance. Unfortunately, I don't have to imagine it.
I am an unlucky lady, but maybe the fact that I somehow hurt my knee has more to do with how I can't seem to ever sit still than it has to do with luck. My knee started hurting in the beginning of September, but I only started complaining about it in November ( yeah, I know. I'm dumb). I thought it was bruised at first, but time went by and I realized that bruises don't last for two months. I went to the doctor and got some steroid pills for tendinitis. End of story, right? Oh, I wish. I skipped one week of dance (I go once a week), and though it was awful having to sit and watch everyone else stretch and learn these fun leaps, it was bearable because it was only one week. We hadn't even started learning our routines for recital, so it wasn't like I was missing anything I couldn't learn later. I took all of the medicine, but it didn't work. My knee was still in pain and I still couldn't stand for a certain period of time without getting annoyed, because my knee sucks at its job.
So we went to the doctor again and I got referred to a knee and hip specialist. Oh, fun. I won't even try to spell what it was the doctor said was wrong with my knee, but I pretty much overworked it so much that I started to damage the cartilage. I think, I was still trying to pronounce the word he used in my mind when he was talking about it (chondro-something or another). I was prescribed stronger medicine that would reduce the inflammation and help with the pain. That stuff works like a wonder, by the way. It would have been great if that was the end of it, but I'm not that lucky. I had to go to physical therapy twice a week for six weeks. I had to miss six weeks of dance. A break is nice, but I hate going without it for so long. I hate being deprived of merely moving my body in a way that gives me so much release and lifts the stresses of daily life. If magic were real, I believe dancing would be a form of it. It puts me under a spell that lets me lose myself and forget everything that worries (well, all worries except for the occasional "Did I do that right?"). Dancing is freaking magical, as cliché as that sounds, and I am a wizard with a damaged wand.
I'm a little more than halfway finished with pt. My knee is feeling a lot better, but I have missed so much of dance. We started learning our routines just a week after that appointment, a few days before my first day of physical therapy. I have videoed and intently watched the dance moves, but it just isn't the same. I can't learn it as well by sitting and watching, but even more than that, I am afraid that I won't be able to learn it at all. A lot of time has passed, a lot of things at the studio has been taught, and I have fallen behind. I haven't done a split or even stretched (aside from my pt exercises) in a while; I'm probably not nearly as flexible as I used to be. Grainy videos are not teaching me what I need to learn and I feel like I'm running out of time. I know I'm being ridiculous. It won't be that hard for me to catch up if I put enough effort into it, but that doesn't stop the fear. I always get anxious when I start learning my recital routines, but it's even worse now that I can't even practice them to assure myself that I will be fine. I don't know if I'm gonna be fine. I'm more than likely going to be alright, but I am a little ball of anxiety. Even if I know in my mind that everything is going to be alright, I still worry to the point of hyperventilating.
I have fallen behind and I am still falling. Further and further with unwavering fear. Everything is going to be okay, I'm going to be able to dance, and I'm going to do amazing come May when I'm on that stage and I feel the adrenaline coursing through me. I'm going to be okay, but I still have two more weeks of physical therapy and I still have to catch up along with learning the rest of my dances before recital. I know I can do it, but I'm still scared.
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