Thursday, January 5, 2017

My Calm Within My Chaos

January 5th, 2017.

I would like to think that I am a straightforward, simple kind of person. I would like to think that I am uncomplicated and able to be understood clearly. I would like to think that I am an easy, enjoyable person to be around. I can like to think that all day long, but the truth of the matter is that I am anything but what I would like to think that I am. I am a complicated, beat-around-the-bush, anything but understandable person, and that's not just cause I'm a teenager. I'm a difficult person, but that's okay, because we're all difficult. As difficult people, we like the things that are different from ourselves, kinda like the old saying "opposites attract". Though when people say that they're usually talking about other people, but I'm talking about interests and the way we spend out time. I might as well be unable to be straightforward. Of course I want to be, but insecurities and anxiety often stops me from being straightforward about hard conversations and things I need to do, and I guess that's why I love cartoons so much.

Most people my age like to watch shows like Pretty Little Liars and Vampire Diaries, and there's nothing wrong with that! I'm not dissing on the shows people like that I've never shown an interest in, it's just not me. I adore cartoons because they're cute and have so many lessons and reminders to be a better person. I need those reminders and I need those shows to clearly point out right from wrong. There are other ways to know right from wrong, of course, but it's not so easy to come by without either being judged or fussed at. I have found that as I grow, the things I was taught as a child become blurred and forgotten with the many exceptions and urges to rebel against them. Because of the behaviors I see around me from my peers and the influence it has on me, the right from wrong that I knew like that back of my hand becomes something I let fade away. I can clearly see the way the writers of children's shows teach children to be honest and faithful and all those good things, and it's refreshing for my mind because I often need to learn again and again.

Cartoons are like my safe haven. When I'm watching LoliRock and Miraculous Ladybug, I don't have to filter out the things they do and say from what I know I should do and say, because there are no curse words I have keep my tongue from picking up and there are no wrong actions from the main charcters that are left undealt with. Cartoons reteach me the things I allow myself to forget so easily.

Another thing about them is that they do not underestimate and practically insult children and teens. I have tried out many shows that portrayed all teenagers as rebellious and wild and disobedient and completely irresponsible. I mean, yeah, a lot of us can be, but not all of us. I know those shows are made for the drama and teen angst, but they get in my head. It's almost as if they're telling me that that is all I'll ever be: disobedient and stupid and immature. I'm a work in progress, everyone is! But that's all the more reason I should surround myself in things that encourage me. Kids Shows are exactly that. They are made to show children that they can follow their dreams and they're strong and their feelings are valid. That's what they tell me. I can follow my dream (*cough* goal *cough*) and I am strong and my feelings are valid.

And just in case no one has told you

You can follow your dreams.
You are strong.
Your feelings are valid.

I turn to cartoons for that reminder. There are many other ways to go about it, I know, but I prefer watching magical girl transformations (and kitty boy transformations. I can't forget my son, Chat Noir).
My family and friends and even those few acquaintances who know me well enough wonder why I enjoy watching cartoons so much. I'm a teenage girl watching shows for seven year olds and up, that's strange, apparently. Though none of them will ever read this (I sure hope they never find this blog), here is my answer: I find them enjoyable and fun to watch, but they are also the calm in the midst of my chaos. Whenever it seems everything is going wrong and my anxiety is getting the best of me, I can watch an episode of whatever cartoon I'm watching at the moment and it will remind me that it isn't as difficult as I'm making it out to be.

I am a complicated, beat-around-the-bush, anything but understandable person. I'm a difficult person, but that's okay.

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