My Usual Sunday And My Amazing Youth Pastor

January 8th, 2017

Ugh, I have had a long day. Not a bad day, just a long one, but Sunday's tend to be that way. I love church, I really do, but my parents like to immediately go to their friend's house that is on the same street as my church so that they'll feel more up to going back for night service. I get it. Once we go home, we don't really want to go back because we're tired or just not feeling like it. So they think playing board games for hours on end with their friends before 5:30 is a brilliant idea! For them, yeah. For me? Well, let's just say that I got home around 30 minutes ago. That was Eight O'clock, and we left the house at Eight this morning. That's 12 hours. I get sick of being around people after one and a half. It works for them, but definitely not me. I love church, but I kinda dread Sunday for that reason alone.

Something my youth pastor said during Sunday school reminded me of how much I love her. This woman really understands. We were talking about obedience, using Mary as an example of how she fulfilled God's will by giving birth to his son, and she didn't even ask why. She just obeyed. Near the end, my youth pastor asked us when we have trouble obeying God and why. What are some things we just don't want to do even at God's urging? I answered with self-control; the trouble I have with letting my emotions get the best of me and acting on them. I get easily agitated at home and I yell a lot. I'm struggling to respond better, but I make excuses to God (as silly as that is) about how I was upset and my little sister was purposely annoying me. I have trouble with that, as I'm sure a lot of us do. When I finished, the girl beside me said, "So you're being a teenager?" She didn't say it in a condescending way, just playfully. My youth pastor, being the amazing woman she is, said (paraphrasing this), "Well, I don't think that's a teenager thing, but normal human reactions. The whole thing about that being reserved for teenagers because of hormones is just stereotype."

People often treat teenagers like we're not even human, that we're either theses scary or delicate things that you have watch out for. One of the reasons why I love my youth pastor so much is because she reminds that I am actually a person, not just a teenager. She was saying that these things people stereotype teenagers for are actually things everyone has a problem with. We are people and we have a choice in the things we do. I let my emotions get the best of me because I let my emotions get the best of me. If I put enough effort into it, I could stop. I could learn self-control and learn how to be more tolerant, because my age does not limit me from making my own decisions. Being a teenager does not automatically make me rebellious and disobedient. We're only stereotypical teenagers because we allow ourselves to be, because we allow ourselves to believe that we can be no other way.

My youth pastor not only tells us that we don't have to have these stereotypical labels, but that our problems are real. She is an adult who has been married for 14 years and has two kids. She goes to work, she pays bills, she deals with two rowdy toddlers, and she is a grown woman with responsibilities, but she isn't that adult who tells teenagers that their issues aren't real because they don't know what it's like to be grown up yet. She isn't that adult who spits out all the things she has to do that stresses her out and uses them as reasons why we can't have problems or be stressed. She respects us and encourages us. She didn't say, "Oh, Autumn. You're just being hormonal." when I poured my heart out to her while crying my eyes out just a few months ago. You know what she did? She did everything in her power to help me, and she still is! She told me that even though it would be a lot of work and effort and endurance to overcome the things I deal with, I can do it. She told me that I am strong and that I can get through it. She didn't tell me that it would be okay when I got older and she didn't tell me something my dad often tells me, "Ten years from now, you'll look back and realize how silly you were being." She doesn't tell me I'm being silly. She tells me that I can get passed it, and she helps me all the while.

She is an incredible woman who makes me feel normal. Simply being around her encourages me to do the best I can do grow as a person. I am constantly being reminded of how much I love her, and how much I'm going to miss her.

The rest of my day went by smoothly (all except for my internal cries for my bed). I ate fast food, took a nap on my parents' friends' couch, woke up and harassed my sister, and scrolled through Instagram in boredom before we went back to church (I wish I had brought my laptop so I could actually do some writing and blogging, but it's never the same when I'm not in the privacy and comfort of my own room). I'm glad to be home and I'm glad to be able to have my usual setup: Sitting comfortably on my bed, under my penguin blanket with my laptop on my lap. Oh, and no pants. I feel relaxed at last! I'm probably gonna go watch some Mermaid Melody after posting this and write some fluff when I start to get fed up with how blind Kaito is. I wanted to blog some more today, but you know how it is. I'll definitely be more active tomorrow!

We All Fight

January 7th, 2017

I have many, many flaws. I could probably name all of the ones I am aware of, but that's not the point of this post. I'm not going to start complaining and putting myself down, but I do want to talk about a couple things about myself and things we all go through.

I, like many people, can easily give off the illusion that I have no problems. When I am in public and around people I know (or even don't know), I can make it seem like I have everything together and I am perfect and there is no possible way that I could have issues. I try my best to be polite and kind. I try my best to be as selfless as I can and I try my best to never complain. I do everything in my power to not seem weak or rude. It's not that I'm trying to deceive anybody, but I'm also not going around saying, "The world is out to get me! Oh, I have so many things that are just going wrong in my life. Woe is me!" Nobody wants to be around the kind of person who practically oozes negativity. I want to be positive and pleasant to be around, but I often take that and twists it's meaning that I have to pretend to be flawless.

Yeah, I have my problems, everyone does. I just don't talk about them. It's gotten to the point where if I do even say a thing about it that I begin to feel bad. There is this misconception that if you have issues and you talk about those issues, you are selfish. I have allowed myself to believe this for the longest time, but it's not true. So long as you are not using the things going on in your life to cause drama and get attention for the wrong reasons, talking about them is not something you should be ashamed. I started thinking about this a couple of months ago on a Wednesday night service at church. I can't remember what the question my youth pastor asked, but I answered by talking about how I fight through things that come up in my life, how I fight through the things that hold me back from being the woman of God I was made to be. When I got finished someone in the group named Bryce was gaping at me. He seemed kinda shocked. My youth pastor looked at him and questioned his expression. He said, "I just didn't know Autumn fought."

Everyone fights through something, this is a known fact, but some people are able to give the illusion that they have nothing to fight through. People like me are able to lead people to believe that we have everything together. I have my issues, we all do, and we don't have to be afraid of talking about them. If we need help or just some way of letting them out so that they don't pile up in our mind, we can talk about them. Write about them. We have been letting ourselves believe that saying anything about something negative in our lives is selfish and rude to the people we're talking to. If who you turn to is truly someone who cares about you, they won't think that you're just trying to get attention and make everything about you. They'll try to help you and listen.

There is nothing wrong with talking about your problems. We were not made to be by ourselves. We as humans can only handle things alone for so long. This whole topic came to my attention when I read over my last post after I woke up (I went to sleep at six in the morning, but still managed to get six hours of sleep). I looked at it and I did exactly what I thought I would right after I posted it. I cringed and I regretted it because I felt like everything I was saying was selfish and that I should keep those things to myself. I justified my guilt by saying, "So many people have it way worse than me. I have no right to complain over such silly things." This is a phrase that I hate. Yes, there will always be someone who has it worse off than you, but that doesn't mean how you feel and what you're going through is silly and invalid. You shouldn't have to hold back because someone has it worse than you. I'm not saying be obnoxious about it, but don't tell yourself you're being stupid by having feelings and things you have difficulty getting through.

This is something I'm still trying to convince myself.

The reason I abandoned and allowed all of my previous blogs and journals to fail is because I held back from being honest. I tried to make myself seem perfect and amazing through it all. I didn't talk about my feelings and my problems because I didn't want to offend anybody. I didn't want to be taken as a child who doesn't know anything. I didn't want to be looked at as naive and dramatic. No more of that. I am going to be honest and I'm not going to apologize for being human.

We all fight through something. Whether it's insecurity, anxiety, depression, something someone did to you, losses, lack of self-love, or anything at all! That is something you are fighting through and it's okay to be honest about it. It's okay to seek help and it's okay to tell somebody. Don't hold back because of that false image you made for yourself. We can get through this.

On a side note, today was freaking cold. My hands froze to death every time I went outside (what a wonderful time to have a birthday party for a one year old, right?). I'm just glad I had my penguin blanket with me all day. I love that blanket.

A Little Habit of Mine

January 5th, 2017.

I have many little habits that a lot of people don't know about. It's not that I'm hiding them or anything, but they're the kind of habits that are so insignificant and small that either no one notices them or they just don't come up in everyday conversation. I'll probably speak more about these habits in the future, but right now I'm talking about one in particular that is actually pretty common.

I write on myself. It's more than just little doodles and shapes here and there though, I couldn't draw if my life depended on it. I like to write things to remember on myself. Paper can get crumpled and lost and ripped and so many other things, but it's hard to forget you have something you wanted to remember when it's in bold letters on your forearm. Right now I actually have a sentence on my arm from last Wednesday when my youth pastor was praying. It says, "If it was something I could do on my own, you would not have sent your son." She's kind of long-winded, but she speaks with so much strength and power that I like it more than anything. She is such an inspiration to me. I long to be the kind of woman she is. Her words and messages are so encouraging. I love writing down the things she says.

I also like to write other reminders on my skin. For example:

I wrote this Wednesday, too. My youth pastor and her husband will be transition to become missionaries with a sports ministry, so they're stepping down from being youth pastors. It's an amazing opportunity for them to not only grow as Christians, but spread the gospel. And I am ecstatic for them, I truly am, but it still hurts to see them go. They have done so much for me and they are very close to me. I cannot describe the way they have poured into my life and helped me change for the better, the way they have encouraged me to be the best person I can be and follow Christ without making it all about the dos and don'ts. They announced how and why they're leaving Sunday and I, of course, bawled my eyes out in the bathroom after letting a few tears slip out in the sanctuary. They were telling the youth group again Wednesday for anybody who wasn't there Sunday and I could feel myself starting to tear up again. I hate crying. No- I like crying when I'm by myself and I can let it out in peace, but I hate crying in public where people can see me. I didn't want to cry, so I took the pen I had and wrote "Don't cry". The only reason I took a picture of it was because after I wrote it I thought, "Oh! This would make a cool picture." and I posted it on Instagram XD

I also write things like "Calm down" and "Breathe" whenever I have to speak in front of even a handful of people. I write reminders that I'm doing okay and I don't sound stupid and that even if I mess up, no one will remember in a couple of days. I always do this when I'm feeling anxious or upset. I think it helps me stay calm and not freak out. Most of my habits are nervous ones, like I fiddle with my hair and sleeves or I'll sometimes count up to distract myself until I can calm down (last time I did that I counted to 307). I do all of these small things that little to nobody knows about, and I can't help but find them as the tiny things that help make up of who I am. It may be silly to think that, but I'm a very silly person with silly ideas.

I also write my otps on my skin, but I'm pretty sure every fangirl does.

Fun Fact: The only thing I can do well with my hands is playing video games.

Nope, not writing. You can probably tell that my hand writing isn't the best, and I don't even type on a keyboard correctly. I love writing and taking notes, but unless it's on my laptop, it doesn't look pretty.