January 8th, 2017
Ugh, I have had a long day. Not a bad day, just a long one, but Sunday's tend to be that way. I love church, I really do, but my parents like to immediately go to their friend's house that is on the same street as my church so that they'll feel more up to going back for night service. I get it. Once we go home, we don't really want to go back because we're tired or just not feeling like it. So they think playing board games for hours on end with their friends before 5:30 is a brilliant idea! For them, yeah. For me? Well, let's just say that I got home around 30 minutes ago. That was Eight O'clock, and we left the house at Eight this morning. That's 12 hours. I get sick of being around people after one and a half. It works for them, but definitely not me. I love church, but I kinda dread Sunday for that reason alone.
Something my youth pastor said during Sunday school reminded me of how much I love her. This woman really understands. We were talking about obedience, using Mary as an example of how she fulfilled God's will by giving birth to his son, and she didn't even ask why. She just obeyed. Near the end, my youth pastor asked us when we have trouble obeying God and why. What are some things we just don't want to do even at God's urging? I answered with self-control; the trouble I have with letting my emotions get the best of me and acting on them. I get easily agitated at home and I yell a lot. I'm struggling to respond better, but I make excuses to God (as silly as that is) about how I was upset and my little sister was purposely annoying me. I have trouble with that, as I'm sure a lot of us do. When I finished, the girl beside me said, "So you're being a teenager?" She didn't say it in a condescending way, just playfully. My youth pastor, being the amazing woman she is, said (paraphrasing this), "Well, I don't think that's a teenager thing, but normal human reactions. The whole thing about that being reserved for teenagers because of hormones is just stereotype."
People often treat teenagers like we're not even human, that we're either theses scary or delicate things that you have watch out for. One of the reasons why I love my youth pastor so much is because she reminds that I am actually a person, not just a teenager. She was saying that these things people stereotype teenagers for are actually things everyone has a problem with. We are people and we have a choice in the things we do. I let my emotions get the best of me because I let my emotions get the best of me. If I put enough effort into it, I could stop. I could learn self-control and learn how to be more tolerant, because my age does not limit me from making my own decisions. Being a teenager does not automatically make me rebellious and disobedient. We're only stereotypical teenagers because we allow ourselves to be, because we allow ourselves to believe that we can be no other way.
My youth pastor not only tells us that we don't have to have these stereotypical labels, but that our problems are real. She is an adult who has been married for 14 years and has two kids. She goes to work, she pays bills, she deals with two rowdy toddlers, and she is a grown woman with responsibilities, but she isn't that adult who tells teenagers that their issues aren't real because they don't know what it's like to be grown up yet. She isn't that adult who spits out all the things she has to do that stresses her out and uses them as reasons why we can't have problems or be stressed. She respects us and encourages us. She didn't say, "Oh, Autumn. You're just being hormonal." when I poured my heart out to her while crying my eyes out just a few months ago. You know what she did? She did everything in her power to help me, and she still is! She told me that even though it would be a lot of work and effort and endurance to overcome the things I deal with, I can do it. She told me that I am strong and that I can get through it. She didn't tell me that it would be okay when I got older and she didn't tell me something my dad often tells me, "Ten years from now, you'll look back and realize how silly you were being." She doesn't tell me I'm being silly. She tells me that I can get passed it, and she helps me all the while.
She is an incredible woman who makes me feel normal. Simply being around her encourages me to do the best I can do grow as a person. I am constantly being reminded of how much I love her, and how much I'm going to miss her.
The rest of my day went by smoothly (all except for my internal cries for my bed). I ate fast food, took a nap on my parents' friends' couch, woke up and harassed my sister, and scrolled through Instagram in boredom before we went back to church (I wish I had brought my laptop so I could actually do some writing and blogging, but it's never the same when I'm not in the privacy and comfort of my own room). I'm glad to be home and I'm glad to be able to have my usual setup: Sitting comfortably on my bed, under my penguin blanket with my laptop on my lap. Oh, and no pants. I feel relaxed at last! I'm probably gonna go watch some Mermaid Melody after posting this and write some fluff when I start to get fed up with how blind Kaito is. I wanted to blog some more today, but you know how it is. I'll definitely be more active tomorrow!
Showing posts with label teenager. Show all posts
Showing posts with label teenager. Show all posts
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Friday, January 6, 2017
My Favorite Season
January 6th, 2017.
Everyone has a favorite season, a time of year that they enjoy the most. For some it's Spring because of the pastel colors of growing flowers and leaves, and how by each day you can feeling it getting warmer. For others it's Summer because of all the fun things you can do, like going to the beach or a water park (because people usually associate Summer with water games). Everybody loves Fall for obvious reasons. Who doesn't like Fall?
I love snuggling up under my fuzzy penguin blanket and drinking hot beverages all the way from coffee to apple cider. I love wearing big, floppy sweaters with a pair of my patterned leggings and combat boots, and when I'm not wearing a sweater, I'm wearing my favorite black hoodie I wore at last year's recital for my "Dance Thieves" routine (it was a mix of a bunch of different songs like Pink Panther and Smooth Criminal). I can do these things any time of the year if I honestly wanted to, but there's only one season that I can without sweating or getting strange looks.
I love Winter, which is ironic because I can't stand the cold. I like everything else about it that involves being warm and cozy, and looking cute while being warm and cozy, but cold isn't something I can do. It's rare that we get really cold weather down here in Mississippi, but my teeth also literally chatter at 50 degrees. Not only can I not handle it, but I get cold very easily (I'm always the one in my family in the car complaining about it being too cold after five minutes when the AC is on full blast in the middle of July). I hate the cold, but I love Winter.
One thing that sucks about it actually getting really cold in the South is that we aren't prepared for it. The electricity goes out if there's ice on the power lines and things get cancelled because of ice on the road. We often struggle to find warm enough clothes in our closets when it starts to get cold, but even if we have the right clothing, we don't always wear them. You never know what to expect; it could be in the 30s one day and in the 80s the next. It was pretty warm outside last Christmas, and the year before that we broke the record for the hottest Christmas in Mississippi in some amount of years. If you're wearing a sweater on a Sunday morning, you have to make sure to wear something under it because it starts to get hot later in the day. I'm not even talking about in the beginning, but in the middle of December and January. I actually heard my younger sister in the other room freaking out about the temperatures. "The low should not be nineteen!" she said.
It is a bit colder than I would prefer, but I'm cuddling with my cat in a toasty room while under my penguin blanket. It's not really bothering me right now. No matter how cold it gets and no matter how jacked up Mississippi weather can be, I love Winter. I just wish I could bring my penguin blanket everywhere I go. I would much warmer and quite content, but that's not acceptable in public unless I'm a three year old, unfortunately.
Everyone has a favorite season, a time of year that they enjoy the most. For some it's Spring because of the pastel colors of growing flowers and leaves, and how by each day you can feeling it getting warmer. For others it's Summer because of all the fun things you can do, like going to the beach or a water park (because people usually associate Summer with water games). Everybody loves Fall for obvious reasons. Who doesn't like Fall?
I love snuggling up under my fuzzy penguin blanket and drinking hot beverages all the way from coffee to apple cider. I love wearing big, floppy sweaters with a pair of my patterned leggings and combat boots, and when I'm not wearing a sweater, I'm wearing my favorite black hoodie I wore at last year's recital for my "Dance Thieves" routine (it was a mix of a bunch of different songs like Pink Panther and Smooth Criminal). I can do these things any time of the year if I honestly wanted to, but there's only one season that I can without sweating or getting strange looks.
I love Winter, which is ironic because I can't stand the cold. I like everything else about it that involves being warm and cozy, and looking cute while being warm and cozy, but cold isn't something I can do. It's rare that we get really cold weather down here in Mississippi, but my teeth also literally chatter at 50 degrees. Not only can I not handle it, but I get cold very easily (I'm always the one in my family in the car complaining about it being too cold after five minutes when the AC is on full blast in the middle of July). I hate the cold, but I love Winter.
One thing that sucks about it actually getting really cold in the South is that we aren't prepared for it. The electricity goes out if there's ice on the power lines and things get cancelled because of ice on the road. We often struggle to find warm enough clothes in our closets when it starts to get cold, but even if we have the right clothing, we don't always wear them. You never know what to expect; it could be in the 30s one day and in the 80s the next. It was pretty warm outside last Christmas, and the year before that we broke the record for the hottest Christmas in Mississippi in some amount of years. If you're wearing a sweater on a Sunday morning, you have to make sure to wear something under it because it starts to get hot later in the day. I'm not even talking about in the beginning, but in the middle of December and January. I actually heard my younger sister in the other room freaking out about the temperatures. "The low should not be nineteen!" she said.
It is a bit colder than I would prefer, but I'm cuddling with my cat in a toasty room while under my penguin blanket. It's not really bothering me right now. No matter how cold it gets and no matter how jacked up Mississippi weather can be, I love Winter. I just wish I could bring my penguin blanket everywhere I go. I would much warmer and quite content, but that's not acceptable in public unless I'm a three year old, unfortunately.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
A Little Habit of Mine
January 5th, 2017.
I have many little habits that a lot of people don't know about. It's not that I'm hiding them or anything, but they're the kind of habits that are so insignificant and small that either no one notices them or they just don't come up in everyday conversation. I'll probably speak more about these habits in the future, but right now I'm talking about one in particular that is actually pretty common.
I write on myself. It's more than just little doodles and shapes here and there though, I couldn't draw if my life depended on it. I like to write things to remember on myself. Paper can get crumpled and lost and ripped and so many other things, but it's hard to forget you have something you wanted to remember when it's in bold letters on your forearm. Right now I actually have a sentence on my arm from last Wednesday when my youth pastor was praying. It says, "If it was something I could do on my own, you would not have sent your son." She's kind of long-winded, but she speaks with so much strength and power that I like it more than anything. She is such an inspiration to me. I long to be the kind of woman she is. Her words and messages are so encouraging. I love writing down the things she says.
I also like to write other reminders on my skin. For example:
I have many little habits that a lot of people don't know about. It's not that I'm hiding them or anything, but they're the kind of habits that are so insignificant and small that either no one notices them or they just don't come up in everyday conversation. I'll probably speak more about these habits in the future, but right now I'm talking about one in particular that is actually pretty common.
I write on myself. It's more than just little doodles and shapes here and there though, I couldn't draw if my life depended on it. I like to write things to remember on myself. Paper can get crumpled and lost and ripped and so many other things, but it's hard to forget you have something you wanted to remember when it's in bold letters on your forearm. Right now I actually have a sentence on my arm from last Wednesday when my youth pastor was praying. It says, "If it was something I could do on my own, you would not have sent your son." She's kind of long-winded, but she speaks with so much strength and power that I like it more than anything. She is such an inspiration to me. I long to be the kind of woman she is. Her words and messages are so encouraging. I love writing down the things she says.
I also like to write other reminders on my skin. For example:
I wrote this Wednesday, too. My youth pastor and her husband will be transition to become missionaries with a sports ministry, so they're stepping down from being youth pastors. It's an amazing opportunity for them to not only grow as Christians, but spread the gospel. And I am ecstatic for them, I truly am, but it still hurts to see them go. They have done so much for me and they are very close to me. I cannot describe the way they have poured into my life and helped me change for the better, the way they have encouraged me to be the best person I can be and follow Christ without making it all about the dos and don'ts. They announced how and why they're leaving Sunday and I, of course, bawled my eyes out in the bathroom after letting a few tears slip out in the sanctuary. They were telling the youth group again Wednesday for anybody who wasn't there Sunday and I could feel myself starting to tear up again. I hate crying. No- I like crying when I'm by myself and I can let it out in peace, but I hate crying in public where people can see me. I didn't want to cry, so I took the pen I had and wrote "Don't cry". The only reason I took a picture of it was because after I wrote it I thought, "Oh! This would make a cool picture." and I posted it on Instagram XD
I also write things like "Calm down" and "Breathe" whenever I have to speak in front of even a handful of people. I write reminders that I'm doing okay and I don't sound stupid and that even if I mess up, no one will remember in a couple of days. I always do this when I'm feeling anxious or upset. I think it helps me stay calm and not freak out. Most of my habits are nervous ones, like I fiddle with my hair and sleeves or I'll sometimes count up to distract myself until I can calm down (last time I did that I counted to 307). I do all of these small things that little to nobody knows about, and I can't help but find them as the tiny things that help make up of who I am. It may be silly to think that, but I'm a very silly person with silly ideas.
I also write my otps on my skin, but I'm pretty sure every fangirl does.
Fun Fact: The only thing I can do well with my hands is playing video games.
Nope, not writing. You can probably tell that my hand writing isn't the best, and I don't even type on a keyboard correctly. I love writing and taking notes, but unless it's on my laptop, it doesn't look pretty.
My Calm Within My Chaos
January 5th, 2017.
I would like to think that I am a straightforward, simple kind of person. I would like to think that I am uncomplicated and able to be understood clearly. I would like to think that I am an easy, enjoyable person to be around. I can like to think that all day long, but the truth of the matter is that I am anything but what I would like to think that I am. I am a complicated, beat-around-the-bush, anything but understandable person, and that's not just cause I'm a teenager. I'm a difficult person, but that's okay, because we're all difficult. As difficult people, we like the things that are different from ourselves, kinda like the old saying "opposites attract". Though when people say that they're usually talking about other people, but I'm talking about interests and the way we spend out time. I might as well be unable to be straightforward. Of course I want to be, but insecurities and anxiety often stops me from being straightforward about hard conversations and things I need to do, and I guess that's why I love cartoons so much.
Most people my age like to watch shows like Pretty Little Liars and Vampire Diaries, and there's nothing wrong with that! I'm not dissing on the shows people like that I've never shown an interest in, it's just not me. I adore cartoons because they're cute and have so many lessons and reminders to be a better person. I need those reminders and I need those shows to clearly point out right from wrong. There are other ways to know right from wrong, of course, but it's not so easy to come by without either being judged or fussed at. I have found that as I grow, the things I was taught as a child become blurred and forgotten with the many exceptions and urges to rebel against them. Because of the behaviors I see around me from my peers and the influence it has on me, the right from wrong that I knew like that back of my hand becomes something I let fade away. I can clearly see the way the writers of children's shows teach children to be honest and faithful and all those good things, and it's refreshing for my mind because I often need to learn again and again.
Cartoons are like my safe haven. When I'm watching LoliRock and Miraculous Ladybug, I don't have to filter out the things they do and say from what I know I should do and say, because there are no curse words I have keep my tongue from picking up and there are no wrong actions from the main charcters that are left undealt with. Cartoons reteach me the things I allow myself to forget so easily.
Another thing about them is that they do not underestimate and practically insult children and teens. I have tried out many shows that portrayed all teenagers as rebellious and wild and disobedient and completely irresponsible. I mean, yeah, a lot of us can be, but not all of us. I know those shows are made for the drama and teen angst, but they get in my head. It's almost as if they're telling me that that is all I'll ever be: disobedient and stupid and immature. I'm a work in progress, everyone is! But that's all the more reason I should surround myself in things that encourage me. Kids Shows are exactly that. They are made to show children that they can follow their dreams and they're strong and their feelings are valid. That's what they tell me. I can follow my dream (*cough* goal *cough*) and I am strong and my feelings are valid.
And just in case no one has told you
You can follow your dreams.
You are strong.
Your feelings are valid.
I turn to cartoons for that reminder. There are many other ways to go about it, I know, but I prefer watching magical girl transformations (and kitty boy transformations. I can't forget my son, Chat Noir).
My family and friends and even those few acquaintances who know me well enough wonder why I enjoy watching cartoons so much. I'm a teenage girl watching shows for seven year olds and up, that's strange, apparently. Though none of them will ever read this (I sure hope they never find this blog), here is my answer: I find them enjoyable and fun to watch, but they are also the calm in the midst of my chaos. Whenever it seems everything is going wrong and my anxiety is getting the best of me, I can watch an episode of whatever cartoon I'm watching at the moment and it will remind me that it isn't as difficult as I'm making it out to be.
I am a complicated, beat-around-the-bush, anything but understandable person. I'm a difficult person, but that's okay.
I would like to think that I am a straightforward, simple kind of person. I would like to think that I am uncomplicated and able to be understood clearly. I would like to think that I am an easy, enjoyable person to be around. I can like to think that all day long, but the truth of the matter is that I am anything but what I would like to think that I am. I am a complicated, beat-around-the-bush, anything but understandable person, and that's not just cause I'm a teenager. I'm a difficult person, but that's okay, because we're all difficult. As difficult people, we like the things that are different from ourselves, kinda like the old saying "opposites attract". Though when people say that they're usually talking about other people, but I'm talking about interests and the way we spend out time. I might as well be unable to be straightforward. Of course I want to be, but insecurities and anxiety often stops me from being straightforward about hard conversations and things I need to do, and I guess that's why I love cartoons so much.
Most people my age like to watch shows like Pretty Little Liars and Vampire Diaries, and there's nothing wrong with that! I'm not dissing on the shows people like that I've never shown an interest in, it's just not me. I adore cartoons because they're cute and have so many lessons and reminders to be a better person. I need those reminders and I need those shows to clearly point out right from wrong. There are other ways to know right from wrong, of course, but it's not so easy to come by without either being judged or fussed at. I have found that as I grow, the things I was taught as a child become blurred and forgotten with the many exceptions and urges to rebel against them. Because of the behaviors I see around me from my peers and the influence it has on me, the right from wrong that I knew like that back of my hand becomes something I let fade away. I can clearly see the way the writers of children's shows teach children to be honest and faithful and all those good things, and it's refreshing for my mind because I often need to learn again and again.
Cartoons are like my safe haven. When I'm watching LoliRock and Miraculous Ladybug, I don't have to filter out the things they do and say from what I know I should do and say, because there are no curse words I have keep my tongue from picking up and there are no wrong actions from the main charcters that are left undealt with. Cartoons reteach me the things I allow myself to forget so easily.
Another thing about them is that they do not underestimate and practically insult children and teens. I have tried out many shows that portrayed all teenagers as rebellious and wild and disobedient and completely irresponsible. I mean, yeah, a lot of us can be, but not all of us. I know those shows are made for the drama and teen angst, but they get in my head. It's almost as if they're telling me that that is all I'll ever be: disobedient and stupid and immature. I'm a work in progress, everyone is! But that's all the more reason I should surround myself in things that encourage me. Kids Shows are exactly that. They are made to show children that they can follow their dreams and they're strong and their feelings are valid. That's what they tell me. I can follow my dream (*cough* goal *cough*) and I am strong and my feelings are valid.
And just in case no one has told you
You can follow your dreams.
You are strong.
Your feelings are valid.
I turn to cartoons for that reminder. There are many other ways to go about it, I know, but I prefer watching magical girl transformations (and kitty boy transformations. I can't forget my son, Chat Noir).
My family and friends and even those few acquaintances who know me well enough wonder why I enjoy watching cartoons so much. I'm a teenage girl watching shows for seven year olds and up, that's strange, apparently. Though none of them will ever read this (I sure hope they never find this blog), here is my answer: I find them enjoyable and fun to watch, but they are also the calm in the midst of my chaos. Whenever it seems everything is going wrong and my anxiety is getting the best of me, I can watch an episode of whatever cartoon I'm watching at the moment and it will remind me that it isn't as difficult as I'm making it out to be.
I am a complicated, beat-around-the-bush, anything but understandable person. I'm a difficult person, but that's okay.
A Little Lady Named Autumn
In my many failed attempts at writing a blog and keeping a diary, I have learned a couple things. One of them being that I will always have something to write, whether it's about my first crush and how awful my taste in boys were at the age of eight or my strange habit of deciphering a person's personality by their favorite color. I will always have something to write, but it will never get through if I don't take the time to actually write it (because duh). Another thing I have learned is that even if no one reads it, writing in a journal, a princess diary with a heart shaped lock or otherwise, is something of significance to me. Simply letting words and emotions spill out on a piece of paper or screen is something that gives me a thrill beyond explanation, because it is something that I can create with my own experience and feelings. And no one can tell me that I did it wrong, because it is mine and it is how I feel. I can feel negative emotions and I can feel things I shouldn't, but I cannot feel incorrectly. Writing is mine, and though this may be yet again another blog I trash because I don't do anything with it, I will share what is mine.
Hello, my imaginary readers and any wanderers who clearly have nothing better to do. My name is Autumn. I enjoy bundling up in my favorite fuzzy penguin blanket, listening to rain, drinking vanilla creamer with just a bit of coffee, cuddling with my cat, and writing while doing all of those things. I am just another teenage girl with too many things to do and too little motivation to do them, so I'm spending my "free time" writing the little things that happen in my life in a blog that no one will read (at least I don't expect anyone to read this). I will simply write of the things that are important to me and the things that happen and just the emotions of a teenager.
I made this blog for just a few reasons.
1. I was bored
Oh, how typical of me to start something crazy like a blog because of my constant boredom. I truly believe something will come out of this. My boredom always manages to bring out so many things.
2. I want to practice my writing
As I have said (and you have noticed, I'm sure) I enjoy writing. It is my passion and what I want to do with my life. I do not have a dream, but a goal to become a published author. I don't need to become a famous writer or anything, though that would be awesome, I just want to pour my soul into what I do and share it with the world. So I need to practice, and what better way than this?
That's. . . about it. Of course I could come up with some poetic reasons for writing this like,"I want to write about my life so that years along the line I can show it to my children!" or "I long to share my experiences so that I can reach out and touch somebody, if only to show one person that they aren't alone and I am such an inspiration. Oh, I'm so kind and generous blah blah blah."
What's the point of a journal if I'm making everything sound pretty just for the sake of sounding pretty? I'm gonna be honest, because I want this to be real.
I am Autumn, an unlucky little lady. I hope you stick around to read my ramblings of nonsense. I do not lead a particularly exciting life, but I don't believe that I have to write of wild adventures and drama that leaves people on the edge of their seat for this to be something of meaning. Every beating heart is a story, and every story is worth telling. I can't promise you much, but here is my story.
Hello, my imaginary readers and any wanderers who clearly have nothing better to do. My name is Autumn. I enjoy bundling up in my favorite fuzzy penguin blanket, listening to rain, drinking vanilla creamer with just a bit of coffee, cuddling with my cat, and writing while doing all of those things. I am just another teenage girl with too many things to do and too little motivation to do them, so I'm spending my "free time" writing the little things that happen in my life in a blog that no one will read (at least I don't expect anyone to read this). I will simply write of the things that are important to me and the things that happen and just the emotions of a teenager.
I made this blog for just a few reasons.
1. I was bored
Oh, how typical of me to start something crazy like a blog because of my constant boredom. I truly believe something will come out of this. My boredom always manages to bring out so many things.
2. I want to practice my writing
As I have said (and you have noticed, I'm sure) I enjoy writing. It is my passion and what I want to do with my life. I do not have a dream, but a goal to become a published author. I don't need to become a famous writer or anything, though that would be awesome, I just want to pour my soul into what I do and share it with the world. So I need to practice, and what better way than this?
That's. . . about it. Of course I could come up with some poetic reasons for writing this like,"I want to write about my life so that years along the line I can show it to my children!" or "I long to share my experiences so that I can reach out and touch somebody, if only to show one person that they aren't alone and I am such an inspiration. Oh, I'm so kind and generous blah blah blah."
What's the point of a journal if I'm making everything sound pretty just for the sake of sounding pretty? I'm gonna be honest, because I want this to be real.
I am Autumn, an unlucky little lady. I hope you stick around to read my ramblings of nonsense. I do not lead a particularly exciting life, but I don't believe that I have to write of wild adventures and drama that leaves people on the edge of their seat for this to be something of meaning. Every beating heart is a story, and every story is worth telling. I can't promise you much, but here is my story.
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