November 13th, 2017
4:13 PM
Recently, I've been in need of some money. Between paying my parents back for the laptop they bought me last year, trying to get enough to buy a new phone, and earning spending money for a cruise my grandma invited me on, the amount needed is well over $100 dollars. I'm fifteen years old without even a permit, so I have no job nor many opportunities to gain money. Through the help of a close friend and some jobs my parents gave me, I've managed to gain a lot of what I need.
A bit more is needed and another close friend suggested that I set up a PayPal account take commissions and earn the rest of what I need that way, which both me and my family agree is a wonderful idea. On Miraculous Amino I've definitely gotten popular enough for that, but I figured if I really want to earn money that way, it'd be best to expand my writing to more than one site.
I'm gonna start posting my work other places and get my name out there in other parts of the Miraculous Ladybug fandom for a higher chance of commissions. And that includes here. I'll also be posting some one-shots and drabbles here for starters, maybe even some pieces with my own characters.
Monday, November 13, 2017
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
The Filth
I'm not the most motivated person. I've
been this way most my life and because of it I've been called lazy,
which isn't exactly wrong. So I'm kinda lazy. You can imagine this
mostly applies to cleaning, school, anything I don't particularly
enjoy.
Like when I'm drinking water in my
room. Instead of getting up and throwing the water bottle away in the
kitchen (I don't have a trash can in my room) I simply throw it on
the floor and I've accepted this way of living. I've acceptable that
pile of water bottles and crumpled pieces of paper five feet away
from my bed. Everything builds up. The dirty clothes, the trash, the
shoes that I always lose because I just throw them to the side when I
get home. I'm a little filthy and I usually have no motivation to fix
that. Usually.
There eventually comes a time when the
water bottles become too much. The dirty clothes becoming a carpet on
the floor is a little suffocating and I have nothing to wear. The
random junk I have no need for and old notes I took from church are
an eyesore, because now I can actually pinpoint what each pile of
garbage is, but then there are the pads and tampons literally
everywhere. How they wind up in every corner and crevice of the room,
I have no idea.
I look at it and think, “This is
fine.” but deep down, I know it's driving me a little mad. Then
comes the point where I just have to clean, but it's not like I huff
and get to work. It happens progressively, as if my mind is trying
with all it's might to get me to do something about the mess and it
can finally nudge me forward. It comes with the slow realization that
the reason I migrated towards my bed to write is less about comfort
and more to do with the fact that my desk is too messy to function.
It's less my place to write and more my cat's place to puke when she
eats too much. It happens when I begin to realize that the moment I
get out of bed, my feet are coated in dirt and I have to constantly
wipe them on random pieces of clothing on the floor throughout the
day. I get that small nudge when I start to trip over clothes and the
mess that is my room starts to come into the clean path from my bed
to the door. I get a little bit of motivation when the filth is too
much for even me.
Here's where my brain likes to trick me
into to cleaning my room. I start with one thing. I think about how
great it was when I still used to my desk to write and I think, “I
should probably clean it up, it won't take too long.” Then I clean
around my chair and under the desk, I pick up the clothes, but I have
no place to put them. They're dirty, I can't put them in the basket
with my clean clothes.
Side note, I have three baskets for
this purpose, but the two other ones are already filled.
I need to clean them so I can put them
somewhere, but my parents have gone to bed and the washing machine is
right by their door. I decided to on putting them in garbage bags and
washing them in the morning. I clean around the desk, but before I
know it, I picked up . . . all? . . . the clothes?? Somehow I made it
all the way over to the other side of the room and now my dirty
clothes are together and ready to be washed??? How did this
happen????
Then I suddenly have another bag I'm
putting my trash into and the water bottles have been thrown away. My
room is looking like a room and I can't stop there. The trash has
been thrown away, the clothes off the floor, the feminine products
are in unused makeup bags, and my sister is claiming things I don't
want and I'm sweeping the remaining things into a pile in the middle
of the room and I'm sorting things. I managed to clean off the
bookshelf of my older sister's old things and my books have a place
to go.
That's how it works. I start with one
thing and that puts me in a cleaning mood. I got the motivation not
because my parents told me to, but because I chose to do it and I had
my own purpose.
I'm now in a clean room that doesn't
even look like mine, but I'm reminded of one of the reasons cleaning
my room after it becomes that mess bothers me so much. I swept up the
floor, moved things around, and the dust and dirt and cat hair
becomes unsettled. It's all flying the in air and as I'm finishing
up, I'm also sneezing and dying.
By the way, if you're curious, here's a
picture of everything I'm allergic to:
(I thought I had avoided food
allergies, but it caught me with citric acid.)
I attempt to take allergy medicine, but
it's in that moment when my allergies are the worst that I can't find
it and my sneezes and sniffles are only getting worse. It's not the
“Oh, a little bit of saliva is on my hand, better wipe it off.”
sneeze, it's the nasty one. Anyone with allergies knows what I'm
talking about.
I'm sitting here in my sparkly clean
room and I'm dying. I've learned something today about messy rooms
and letting it all build up.
Cleaning it up causes death. Just don't
worry about it. Be filthy. It's fine.
Saturday, September 2, 2017
That Little Ache We All Know and Love
September 2nd, 2017
12:57 AM
You know that little ache? The one you get when you hear something that makes any semblance of a smile on your face drop. The one that makes your heart speed up just a bit before thumping a slow, painful beat. But it doesn't make you cry, as much as you want it to. It's just enough for you to notice and pretend it doesn't exist.
Yeah, that little ache. Don't I know it. More than ever in this moment.
A while ago, I posted about my best friend I was beginning to like. Then I posted about how much I liked him and how much it killed me. Well, I'm past that stage. I'm full on crushing. It's the whole shebang, the relentless butterflies that I've accepted, my cheeks hurting from smiling too much (and I don't even have to be talking to him), the thinking about him all through the day and night. The fantasizing of cuddling and showering each other in kisses and simply being with him. I hate that part the most.
It can be sweet and exciting, one of the best experiences of being a teenager, but liking somebody sucks. I would tell you, "Oh! but don't be afraid to like someone," but that would be hypocritical of me.
I talked to some friends about how I was feeling, about that ache and how he, none the wiser, was causing it. Being on the end of relationship advice, I realize that telling someone the person they like doesn't deserve them has absolutely no meaning.
What does that even mean? He's flawed, this I know, but what it mean to be undeserving somebody? I don't deserve the love of Christ. I don't deserve His forgiveness and protection. So does deserving something or someone really matter? But I'm not God. I'm flawed, too, so maybe I don't deserve him. Perhaps we're just a bunch of flawed people and the concept of deserving and entitlement is an illusion to make ourselves feel better.
In all honesty, what do any of us deserve? Certainly not another person, and it goes both ways. He doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve him, but that's not even what matters, because even if he did deserve me or I deserved him, we're not in a relationship and that's not going to change anytime soon. Probably not at all.
They also told me that if he can't tell something is wrong, he's too self-involved to notice or care. They said that I should distance myself from him and have him figure out what's wrong. They asked if he ever even wonders about me. If he asks how I am and asks about MY love life. They were asking if he even cared about me, but here's the thing, he does. He cares about me a lot, there's no doubt about that, but there's no way to explain this to them. There's no reason either, they were only trying to help me.
I know he cares because he doesn't let me forget. He always notices when something is wrong, he can tell when I'm upset when we're having a simple conversation. He knows when I'm tired, sad, mad, or excited in a single text. He knows me.
This isn't something I can simply explain to someone if they don't know our relationship, if they don't know just how close we are. You probably don't even understand unless you're in the same boat (my condolences if you are). If I did tell them, they'd ask me why he hasn't noticed how I'm feeling now. How I've been feeling.
The answer is simple, it isn't poetic in the slightest. It's actually kind of sad. Plain pitiful and appeases nobody.
If he's happy, I'm happy. That's the thing about the ache. Nobody sees it. It's small enough that it doesn't seep into my text messages, at least not yet. He wouldn't be able to notice because I only show him that I'm happy for him. He only sees my concern for him, he only sees that I want the best for him. There's no seeing past that because it isn't fake, I truly am. It always hurts a little, but I'm not going to complicate things with my feelings. He's always dealing with something with some girl, the ex he can't get over that crushes his heart every chance she gets, his need to be with someone. I don't want to stress him out further.
He's imperfect. So am I. There's nobody to blame and I'm not even going to attempt to do so. It would feel good to be bitter towards myself for developing these burdensome emotions. It would feel good to be mad at him for not knowing how I feel or not feeling the same way, but that's what I like to call selfish. There's nothing wrong with liking or not liking someone, there's nothing with not knowing if somebody likes you if they've never told you. There's nothing with that little ache. There's nothing wrong with feeling. It just depends on how you handle it.
I think I'm handling it okay. I'm not just thinking about myself and what I want, and I know he's not either. He's not self-involved, he just knows that I don't like it when he holds back and that I want to be here for him in every part of his life. That's all I care about. I've said it before, I'll say it again.
Feelings aside, he's my best friend. The little ache will weigh on my chest at times, but I'll be okay.
I don't mean to be that person, that blogger. The one that only ever writes about their crush or significant other, but I can't be the best blogger and it seems I only ever write on here when I'm feeling particularly emotional. And what can I say? I love boy talk, but you don't know that.
12:57 AM
You know that little ache? The one you get when you hear something that makes any semblance of a smile on your face drop. The one that makes your heart speed up just a bit before thumping a slow, painful beat. But it doesn't make you cry, as much as you want it to. It's just enough for you to notice and pretend it doesn't exist.
Yeah, that little ache. Don't I know it. More than ever in this moment.
A while ago, I posted about my best friend I was beginning to like. Then I posted about how much I liked him and how much it killed me. Well, I'm past that stage. I'm full on crushing. It's the whole shebang, the relentless butterflies that I've accepted, my cheeks hurting from smiling too much (and I don't even have to be talking to him), the thinking about him all through the day and night. The fantasizing of cuddling and showering each other in kisses and simply being with him. I hate that part the most.
It can be sweet and exciting, one of the best experiences of being a teenager, but liking somebody sucks. I would tell you, "Oh! but don't be afraid to like someone," but that would be hypocritical of me.
I talked to some friends about how I was feeling, about that ache and how he, none the wiser, was causing it. Being on the end of relationship advice, I realize that telling someone the person they like doesn't deserve them has absolutely no meaning.
What does that even mean? He's flawed, this I know, but what it mean to be undeserving somebody? I don't deserve the love of Christ. I don't deserve His forgiveness and protection. So does deserving something or someone really matter? But I'm not God. I'm flawed, too, so maybe I don't deserve him. Perhaps we're just a bunch of flawed people and the concept of deserving and entitlement is an illusion to make ourselves feel better.
In all honesty, what do any of us deserve? Certainly not another person, and it goes both ways. He doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve him, but that's not even what matters, because even if he did deserve me or I deserved him, we're not in a relationship and that's not going to change anytime soon. Probably not at all.
They also told me that if he can't tell something is wrong, he's too self-involved to notice or care. They said that I should distance myself from him and have him figure out what's wrong. They asked if he ever even wonders about me. If he asks how I am and asks about MY love life. They were asking if he even cared about me, but here's the thing, he does. He cares about me a lot, there's no doubt about that, but there's no way to explain this to them. There's no reason either, they were only trying to help me.
I know he cares because he doesn't let me forget. He always notices when something is wrong, he can tell when I'm upset when we're having a simple conversation. He knows when I'm tired, sad, mad, or excited in a single text. He knows me.
This isn't something I can simply explain to someone if they don't know our relationship, if they don't know just how close we are. You probably don't even understand unless you're in the same boat (my condolences if you are). If I did tell them, they'd ask me why he hasn't noticed how I'm feeling now. How I've been feeling.
The answer is simple, it isn't poetic in the slightest. It's actually kind of sad. Plain pitiful and appeases nobody.
If he's happy, I'm happy. That's the thing about the ache. Nobody sees it. It's small enough that it doesn't seep into my text messages, at least not yet. He wouldn't be able to notice because I only show him that I'm happy for him. He only sees my concern for him, he only sees that I want the best for him. There's no seeing past that because it isn't fake, I truly am. It always hurts a little, but I'm not going to complicate things with my feelings. He's always dealing with something with some girl, the ex he can't get over that crushes his heart every chance she gets, his need to be with someone. I don't want to stress him out further.
He's imperfect. So am I. There's nobody to blame and I'm not even going to attempt to do so. It would feel good to be bitter towards myself for developing these burdensome emotions. It would feel good to be mad at him for not knowing how I feel or not feeling the same way, but that's what I like to call selfish. There's nothing wrong with liking or not liking someone, there's nothing with not knowing if somebody likes you if they've never told you. There's nothing with that little ache. There's nothing wrong with feeling. It just depends on how you handle it.
I think I'm handling it okay. I'm not just thinking about myself and what I want, and I know he's not either. He's not self-involved, he just knows that I don't like it when he holds back and that I want to be here for him in every part of his life. That's all I care about. I've said it before, I'll say it again.
Feelings aside, he's my best friend. The little ache will weigh on my chest at times, but I'll be okay.
I don't mean to be that person, that blogger. The one that only ever writes about their crush or significant other, but I can't be the best blogger and it seems I only ever write on here when I'm feeling particularly emotional. And what can I say? I love boy talk, but you don't know that.
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
Those Moments
It's in moments like these when having
a crush isn't so bad. When there are those instances you have where
you both know you care about each other. Just those times when you
can freely talk to each other without the worry of crossing lines or
coming on too strong for a friendship.
It's the moments where you openly tell
each other those three words that are usually so overused. It's not
overused in the moment though, because they aren't false. You aren't
rushing anything, you're quietly muttering them to each other because
you need each other to know. It's rarely said, it's quiet, but
heavily felt.
You've been there for each other for so
long, breakthroughs have been made, milestones passed, and you're
appreciating the day when they came into your life. That moment when
you had that connection and you took that step on the path to them
becoming one of the most important people to you. And you just sit
there on your bed, smiling at the text message, because thank you
God. Thank you for putting this person in my life.
The developing of feelings sometimes
take a toll on you and you struggle with holding yourself back, but
that's not what matters. What matters is that the two of you care
about each other and the friendship you have is priceless. No fears
are able to creep in, because it's solid.
Yeah, you like them. You sometimes
imagine cuddling with them and holding their hand, but it's those
moments that get you. Those precious moments, the ones you pick from
your memories and hold so close that it sinks into your chest and
takes a place in your heart.
It's those moments when you think to
yourself, “I love this person.”
Maybe not romantically, not just yet.
But those that unconditional love you hold for them, you can't put it
into words. You try and try to explain it to them, but the only
things you can say are “I'm so glad you're in my life.” and “You
mean so much to me.”
It's not enough, but you can't say
anymore than that. There's no way to truly express it, but it's okay
because you both understand. You both know how the other feels, the
struggle to get each other to understand is mutual.
Then he says that he loves you. It
makes you smile, and you're just shaking your head with that smile,
thinking, “I know that, dork.”
To some it might be a painful reminder
of that unrequited crush, but you know those moments. Those moments
where nothing matters and you just know that you care about each
other in some crazy form neither of you can comprehend.
Yeah. I love those moments.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Catching Feelings
March 30th, 2017
Wanna know what sucks? Wanna know what absolutely sucks? Not being able to express yourself to someone in the way you want to. Not being able to say "I miss you" or "I love you" to someone for a number of reasons that make it impossible to. All tiny, insignificant reasons, but reasons nonetheless. Sure, I can say them occasionally when the moment is right, but I hate not being able to say them out of the blue without seeming like I have a huge crush on this person (which I do, but he doesn't need to know that).
I hate not being able to text him anytime I want without being afraid that I'm bothering him or he's busy or I'm going a bit overboard with texting someone who is just a friend. He's my best friend, but that's besides the point. The point is that I really want to somehow express that I care about him and miss him, but he's at school and I feel like a moron and I don't want him thinking that I'm this boy crazy girl who goes crushing on people left and right. I doubt he thinks that, but I am excellent at worrying over the silliest of things.
I know just yesterday I was talking about how I am perfectly content with being single and I'm not focusing on guys right now, and it's true. None of that was a lie. I'm not going to distract myself with wanting a boyfriend because I know that I am not ready for that. I don't need a guy in my life when I have so many more important things to worry about. Yes, I like this person, but that changes nothing in the long run.
What I'm getting at is I like this guy, but I can't do anything to express myself. I wouldn't care if he knew that I like him, but I don't want him thinking that I was to pursue a relationship. I don't want him to think that everything I say to him as a friend is in someway romantic. I love him, but not because I have a crush on him. I've only just recently admit to myself that there are some feelings there. I love him platonically and I don't want him to mix those three words up with me being all mushy and romantic. Before all else, he is my best friend and nothing will change that.
It still sucks to not be able to express how I'm feeling though. It's bottling up and it's annoying. I hate having a crush because I feel like such an idiot. I don't like the way my heart speeds up when I hear his text tone, I don't like the way my skin heats up whenever he says something sweet, and I don't like feeling so restricted. I hate feeling so cautious about what I say. I just want to be completely open with him about everything, but again, there's that fear.
I spoke about my fear briefly, but let me go into a bit more detail.
I do not want to be in a relationship. I am not stable enough emotionally nor am I mature enough spiritually. I tried this whole dating thing a couple years ago and it's distracting. It's take up so much time, and though that doesn't bother me, I wouldn't mind spending the majority of my time with him, I know it isn't wise. I need to spend my time getting my education and thinking about my future, I need to work on my future career and preparing for college in just a couple of years. Above all else, I need to spend my time with God, worshipping him and praying about how I can serve Him better.
I am a crappy daughter of God. I suck at being obedient and steadfast in my relationship with Him. Seriously, I still wonder why He loves me so much when all I do is screw up and make excuses. He still does though. He values and loves me, He never overlooks me like I feel so many people do. He takes care of me and comforts me when I'm an emotional wreck. Whenever I feel alone, I call out to Him and He's there. He's always there, never leaving me to deal with life on my own.
After all I've done, all the horrible decisions I've made and the amount of times I have lied to him about putting Him first, He still loves me and never fails to remind me. It is so overwhelmingly amazing how wonderful and gentle He is Which is why I am not going to allow myself to get caught up in a relationship with any guy, no matter how much I like him.
God needs to come first in my life. If I can't maintain a relationship with Jesus, the who loves me more than I can comprehend and will never fail me, how am I suppose to keep a relationship with someone who can and most likely will fail me at some point or another?
The time will come when I am ready and I have faith that God will bring a wonderful man into my life as He has promised, but I'm still human. I'm still going to crush on my best friend and feel dumb while doing so. It's okay to like him, I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just not going to act on these feelings and let history repeat itself, but I fear that if he knew how much I like him, he would think otherwise. And though I am determined to stay true to my word, I'm still afraid that I'll let my emotions get the best of me. I don't want that. It would more than likely damage my relationship with my best friend and I don't want to destroy any more good things in my life than I have already.
This is not where I intended to take this blog, but I'm emotional and frustrated, dang it. I needed a reminder that I can deal with this annoyingly persistent crush and focus on God.
It sucks that I can't be as honest with my best friend about this and it makes me a little lonely, but I'll be fine. I'm not the kind of person to get all bent out of shape about a guy, at least not anymore. He's my best friend and no feelings are going to get in the way of that.
Let me say it again for that little part of brain that isn't listening.
He's my best friend and no feelings are going to get in the way of that.
Get out of my way feelings, shoo!
I am convinced that this is a disease. A sickness. I've caught feelings. *shudders*
Please, for anyone person actually reading this, pray for me. Pray that I don't do anything stupid, cause I'm good at that. I am amazing at doing stupid things. I'll be praying my most consistent prayer:
Jesus, help me not be a moron about this.
Wanna know what sucks? Wanna know what absolutely sucks? Not being able to express yourself to someone in the way you want to. Not being able to say "I miss you" or "I love you" to someone for a number of reasons that make it impossible to. All tiny, insignificant reasons, but reasons nonetheless. Sure, I can say them occasionally when the moment is right, but I hate not being able to say them out of the blue without seeming like I have a huge crush on this person (which I do, but he doesn't need to know that).
I hate not being able to text him anytime I want without being afraid that I'm bothering him or he's busy or I'm going a bit overboard with texting someone who is just a friend. He's my best friend, but that's besides the point. The point is that I really want to somehow express that I care about him and miss him, but he's at school and I feel like a moron and I don't want him thinking that I'm this boy crazy girl who goes crushing on people left and right. I doubt he thinks that, but I am excellent at worrying over the silliest of things.
I know just yesterday I was talking about how I am perfectly content with being single and I'm not focusing on guys right now, and it's true. None of that was a lie. I'm not going to distract myself with wanting a boyfriend because I know that I am not ready for that. I don't need a guy in my life when I have so many more important things to worry about. Yes, I like this person, but that changes nothing in the long run.
What I'm getting at is I like this guy, but I can't do anything to express myself. I wouldn't care if he knew that I like him, but I don't want him thinking that I was to pursue a relationship. I don't want him to think that everything I say to him as a friend is in someway romantic. I love him, but not because I have a crush on him. I've only just recently admit to myself that there are some feelings there. I love him platonically and I don't want him to mix those three words up with me being all mushy and romantic. Before all else, he is my best friend and nothing will change that.
It still sucks to not be able to express how I'm feeling though. It's bottling up and it's annoying. I hate having a crush because I feel like such an idiot. I don't like the way my heart speeds up when I hear his text tone, I don't like the way my skin heats up whenever he says something sweet, and I don't like feeling so restricted. I hate feeling so cautious about what I say. I just want to be completely open with him about everything, but again, there's that fear.
I spoke about my fear briefly, but let me go into a bit more detail.
I do not want to be in a relationship. I am not stable enough emotionally nor am I mature enough spiritually. I tried this whole dating thing a couple years ago and it's distracting. It's take up so much time, and though that doesn't bother me, I wouldn't mind spending the majority of my time with him, I know it isn't wise. I need to spend my time getting my education and thinking about my future, I need to work on my future career and preparing for college in just a couple of years. Above all else, I need to spend my time with God, worshipping him and praying about how I can serve Him better.
I am a crappy daughter of God. I suck at being obedient and steadfast in my relationship with Him. Seriously, I still wonder why He loves me so much when all I do is screw up and make excuses. He still does though. He values and loves me, He never overlooks me like I feel so many people do. He takes care of me and comforts me when I'm an emotional wreck. Whenever I feel alone, I call out to Him and He's there. He's always there, never leaving me to deal with life on my own.
After all I've done, all the horrible decisions I've made and the amount of times I have lied to him about putting Him first, He still loves me and never fails to remind me. It is so overwhelmingly amazing how wonderful and gentle He is Which is why I am not going to allow myself to get caught up in a relationship with any guy, no matter how much I like him.
God needs to come first in my life. If I can't maintain a relationship with Jesus, the who loves me more than I can comprehend and will never fail me, how am I suppose to keep a relationship with someone who can and most likely will fail me at some point or another?
The time will come when I am ready and I have faith that God will bring a wonderful man into my life as He has promised, but I'm still human. I'm still going to crush on my best friend and feel dumb while doing so. It's okay to like him, I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just not going to act on these feelings and let history repeat itself, but I fear that if he knew how much I like him, he would think otherwise. And though I am determined to stay true to my word, I'm still afraid that I'll let my emotions get the best of me. I don't want that. It would more than likely damage my relationship with my best friend and I don't want to destroy any more good things in my life than I have already.
This is not where I intended to take this blog, but I'm emotional and frustrated, dang it. I needed a reminder that I can deal with this annoyingly persistent crush and focus on God.
It sucks that I can't be as honest with my best friend about this and it makes me a little lonely, but I'll be fine. I'm not the kind of person to get all bent out of shape about a guy, at least not anymore. He's my best friend and no feelings are going to get in the way of that.
Let me say it again for that little part of brain that isn't listening.
He's my best friend and no feelings are going to get in the way of that.
Get out of my way feelings, shoo!
I am convinced that this is a disease. A sickness. I've caught feelings. *shudders*
Please, for anyone person actually reading this, pray for me. Pray that I don't do anything stupid, cause I'm good at that. I am amazing at doing stupid things. I'll be praying my most consistent prayer:
Jesus, help me not be a moron about this.
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Little Autumn's Little Crushes
March 28th, 2017
I have had many crushes over the years. My first crush was pretty bad. Not that I had it bad (I did, but that's not the point), I mean my nine year old self had horrible taste in guys. He had the long bangs that I found so attractive for some reason beyond me. He was older than me by a couple of year, but no one's attracted to a nine year old. He spoke low and deep, and now that I think about it, he probably sounded dumb in the way he was trying to seem masculine in front of the other girls.
I was crazy about him and I have no idea why. I wrote his name on my skin all the time with a sharpie, I would try to wear cute clothes whenever I went to church in hopes he would be there (he never was), and I said the stupidest things in front of him the few days that I knew him.
Let me tell you an embarrassing story. So we were in the other building of the church, sitting at a table together; the only reason we were at the same table was because I hung around my sister who hung around our cousin who my crush also hung around. Yeah . . . Anyway, they were just talking and I was admiring his face that I now know was not really all that pretty. My sister and cousin were talking about how this one other girl had a crush on him and he had noticed it. Me, being the moron that I was said exactly this:
"A lot of girls have a crush on you. And one of them likes your hair." Then I proceeded to sink down in my chair with what I assume was a love struck smile.
Why, younger Autumn? Why on Earth would you say that? Did you think that was subtle or something? Did you think you were wooing him with your flirting skills?
Ugh, I cringe every time I think about. It gets worse though, believe me. Another time when he was actually at church, we were in the Nursery with some other people and I showed him a necklace I had recently gotten that had an N on it. I told him the N stood for his name. I told him that! I'm beginning to wonder if I just didn't care about being subtle at all. Later that day I accidentally threw a heavy, plastic, egg shaped toy at his crotch.
Yup, I was wooing him alright.
I still wonder why I ever had a crush on him.
My second crush was this really bratty boy who cried a lot. We were considered cousins, but it was distant so I didn't consider us actually related. How that one ended was when he stopped hanging out with me after he read my diary about my crush on him. It was awful. And I was so dramatic about it, too. I had this whole speech planned out to apologize for having feelings I couldn't control blah blah blah.
After that I just had bad crushes on boys I met at summer camp. My taste in guys got better as I went on, but then I made the mistake of secret dating one when I was twelve, thinking he was the one and we just had to persevere. I had this whole fantasy of growing up and getting married and having a big family with him.
Problem #1: WE WERE 12
Now, I'm not saying you can't date someone at a young age and end up having a future with them. One of my dance teachers got married to a boy she's liked and been with since she was 13. It just didn't work for me because I was a moron who thought I had everything figured out and I knew what love was.
Problem #2: He didn't want a big family. He wanted two, maybe three kids. I want five. I want lots of kids.
Problem #3: It felt wrong to be with someone without my parents knowledge and approval.
I'm a daddy's girl. Always have and always will be. I want a man who can get to know him and get my dad's blessing. When my future husband wants to propose to me, I want him to ask my dad. I want his approval, and it felt wrong to be going against what my dad has always told me. I didn't like disobeying him and my little secret boyfriend would always throw a fit whenever I suggested we wait (I ended up breaking the boy's heart, so he says, so it doesn't matter now. I realize that he was and still is really annoying and has little respect for girls.)
Problem #3: He didn't and still doesn't like to read.
THAT is a deal breaker for me. I'm a writer. I'm going to be a published author. That's going to be my career and life. He complained every time I sent him something to read. I'm not going to put up with that when it's something I'm passionate about. My sister, who is engaged to her boyfriend she's been with for three years, said that when you love someone, you love what they love. He didn't love what I loved and I didn't love what he loved. We were fooling ourselves with the idea of love.
Problem #4: We just didn't match very well
He got emotional and I got fed up. He complained and I complained about his complaining. I liked being alone when he wanted to be with him, and he wanted to be alone when I wanted to be with him. It just didn't work. It probably would've if we would have just waited until we were more mature and ready to maintain a healthy relationship. We were idiots and that not only ruined our chances of being together in the future, but it hinders any friendship we could've had.
My taste in guys has gotten better since I've matured and gotten to know and discover myself. I know what I want now and what kind of person I want to spend my life with. I don't really worry about boys much anymore because God told me through someone else not to; He's preparing someone for me and I have to be patient.
So that was the end of all my left and right, back and forth crushing. It doesn't work and I'm not going to convince myself that I know better than God (I most definitely do not. It is only because of Him that I'm okay now).
So there's someone out there for me. I don't need to search him out, I'm not desperate to find him, because God will bring us together when the time is right. I trust Him, so I'm waiting. Patiently and happily. I'm content with my single status.
I have had many crushes over the years. My first crush was pretty bad. Not that I had it bad (I did, but that's not the point), I mean my nine year old self had horrible taste in guys. He had the long bangs that I found so attractive for some reason beyond me. He was older than me by a couple of year, but no one's attracted to a nine year old. He spoke low and deep, and now that I think about it, he probably sounded dumb in the way he was trying to seem masculine in front of the other girls.
I was crazy about him and I have no idea why. I wrote his name on my skin all the time with a sharpie, I would try to wear cute clothes whenever I went to church in hopes he would be there (he never was), and I said the stupidest things in front of him the few days that I knew him.
Let me tell you an embarrassing story. So we were in the other building of the church, sitting at a table together; the only reason we were at the same table was because I hung around my sister who hung around our cousin who my crush also hung around. Yeah . . . Anyway, they were just talking and I was admiring his face that I now know was not really all that pretty. My sister and cousin were talking about how this one other girl had a crush on him and he had noticed it. Me, being the moron that I was said exactly this:
"A lot of girls have a crush on you. And one of them likes your hair." Then I proceeded to sink down in my chair with what I assume was a love struck smile.
Why, younger Autumn? Why on Earth would you say that? Did you think that was subtle or something? Did you think you were wooing him with your flirting skills?
Ugh, I cringe every time I think about. It gets worse though, believe me. Another time when he was actually at church, we were in the Nursery with some other people and I showed him a necklace I had recently gotten that had an N on it. I told him the N stood for his name. I told him that! I'm beginning to wonder if I just didn't care about being subtle at all. Later that day I accidentally threw a heavy, plastic, egg shaped toy at his crotch.
Yup, I was wooing him alright.
I still wonder why I ever had a crush on him.
My second crush was this really bratty boy who cried a lot. We were considered cousins, but it was distant so I didn't consider us actually related. How that one ended was when he stopped hanging out with me after he read my diary about my crush on him. It was awful. And I was so dramatic about it, too. I had this whole speech planned out to apologize for having feelings I couldn't control blah blah blah.
After that I just had bad crushes on boys I met at summer camp. My taste in guys got better as I went on, but then I made the mistake of secret dating one when I was twelve, thinking he was the one and we just had to persevere. I had this whole fantasy of growing up and getting married and having a big family with him.
Problem #1: WE WERE 12
Now, I'm not saying you can't date someone at a young age and end up having a future with them. One of my dance teachers got married to a boy she's liked and been with since she was 13. It just didn't work for me because I was a moron who thought I had everything figured out and I knew what love was.
Problem #2: He didn't want a big family. He wanted two, maybe three kids. I want five. I want lots of kids.
Problem #3: It felt wrong to be with someone without my parents knowledge and approval.
I'm a daddy's girl. Always have and always will be. I want a man who can get to know him and get my dad's blessing. When my future husband wants to propose to me, I want him to ask my dad. I want his approval, and it felt wrong to be going against what my dad has always told me. I didn't like disobeying him and my little secret boyfriend would always throw a fit whenever I suggested we wait (I ended up breaking the boy's heart, so he says, so it doesn't matter now. I realize that he was and still is really annoying and has little respect for girls.)
Problem #3: He didn't and still doesn't like to read.
THAT is a deal breaker for me. I'm a writer. I'm going to be a published author. That's going to be my career and life. He complained every time I sent him something to read. I'm not going to put up with that when it's something I'm passionate about. My sister, who is engaged to her boyfriend she's been with for three years, said that when you love someone, you love what they love. He didn't love what I loved and I didn't love what he loved. We were fooling ourselves with the idea of love.
Problem #4: We just didn't match very well
He got emotional and I got fed up. He complained and I complained about his complaining. I liked being alone when he wanted to be with him, and he wanted to be alone when I wanted to be with him. It just didn't work. It probably would've if we would have just waited until we were more mature and ready to maintain a healthy relationship. We were idiots and that not only ruined our chances of being together in the future, but it hinders any friendship we could've had.
My taste in guys has gotten better since I've matured and gotten to know and discover myself. I know what I want now and what kind of person I want to spend my life with. I don't really worry about boys much anymore because God told me through someone else not to; He's preparing someone for me and I have to be patient.
So that was the end of all my left and right, back and forth crushing. It doesn't work and I'm not going to convince myself that I know better than God (I most definitely do not. It is only because of Him that I'm okay now).
So there's someone out there for me. I don't need to search him out, I'm not desperate to find him, because God will bring us together when the time is right. I trust Him, so I'm waiting. Patiently and happily. I'm content with my single status.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Those Moments of Awe and Joy
March 23, 2017
Does someone ever do something for you and it just blows you away? Like something for your birthday or a random little occasion in which a friend does something special. Someone gets you a present or gesture and you tear up and don't know what yo say. You're speechless and so touched, you just don't know what to do except smile and thank them over and over. Do you know what kind of moments I'm talking about?
Usually those kinds of moments for me are about small and oftentimes silly things. I always get super happy whenever my Sunday school teacher gives me the left over donuts or when my family gives me the last cookie (for some reason it always it always revolves around food. . .).
Then there are moments that are more serious and significant, not that donuts are any less significant. Those kinds of moments revolve more around words for me. I am not one to swoon over pretty words coming from anybody. It's hard for to open up and get close to people, but whenever I do show my whole self to someone and they reciprocate, well, it means a lot to me.
The first time I said "I love you" to my best friend, I was kinda nervous she would just smile and nod, humoring me and my stupidity. I don't take those three words lightly, because they are more than just feelings to me. They are more than just the thing to say when you know someone for long enough. So whenever I say it to anybody, I'm serious and most likely terrified the first time I do. Yes, she said the back and I had a smile on my face for the rest of the day.
It's those little things that get to me, it's the tiniest things that give me those moments of awe and joy. I more often than not get flustered and struggle to say something, because I take everything so seriously and deeply.
Well, I had one of those moments today. A person very dear to me wrote a me the loveliest, sweetest poem for my 200th day on Miraculous Amino (it's like a birthday every 100 days. I find it adorable because people will message you and comment on your profile congratulating you and wishing you a happy whatever hundred day it is for you).
I could go on and on about this, but how about I just show you the poem?
Autumn
The wind rustles a few stray leaves
Leaves with colours, warm, and a promise, cold
They flutter about in the gentle breeze
Spiraling free, so daring and bold
The one raking them up sighs
As they are scattered once more
Before getting right back to work
Gathering leaves off the floor
On, the breeze whistles
Among the long scarves and coats
Of people battling the chill
As they match the whistling wind's notes
It's that time of year
When animals store up supplies
Preparing for winter
Before it arrives
Although the days shorten
And bright sunny days are few
It is by no means a season
In which to start feeling blue
The streets are laced with vibrant colours
Yellows, oranges, and res
Of the tree's last, bright goodbyes
Before they settle into their beds
Fall is my person favourite
Of all four seasons
It's astonishingly beautiful
To name just one of the reasons
The sheer beauty that comes with it
And the promise of change and things new
Inspires great wonders within me
As I observe it's ever-changing hues
Like the free, spiraling leaves
You taught me I can go in any direction I choose
That's always okay to be different
And to have unique, even unusual views
Like the poor soul sweeping up leaves
You taught me how frustrating life can be at times
But with perseverance and a good-natured spirit
The rewards will be sublime!
Like the happy, mischievous breeze
Ruffling children's hair as it gently blows by
You've taught me how to find humor
Smile and laugh, and not always sigh
Like the critters storing away for the winter
You've shown me how important it is to plan
How procrastination, although seemingly friendly
Can cause the downfall of even the strongest man
Like the stunning beauty of fall
You've inspired me more than you'll ever know
Not only as a writer, but as a person
You've helped and guided me to grow
- Retrofox
For my 200th day, I have been set to smile all day. That's all I can really say in my still giddy state of happiness. These words are overwhelming. Thank you, Retro.
Does someone ever do something for you and it just blows you away? Like something for your birthday or a random little occasion in which a friend does something special. Someone gets you a present or gesture and you tear up and don't know what yo say. You're speechless and so touched, you just don't know what to do except smile and thank them over and over. Do you know what kind of moments I'm talking about?
Usually those kinds of moments for me are about small and oftentimes silly things. I always get super happy whenever my Sunday school teacher gives me the left over donuts or when my family gives me the last cookie (for some reason it always it always revolves around food. . .).
Then there are moments that are more serious and significant, not that donuts are any less significant. Those kinds of moments revolve more around words for me. I am not one to swoon over pretty words coming from anybody. It's hard for to open up and get close to people, but whenever I do show my whole self to someone and they reciprocate, well, it means a lot to me.
The first time I said "I love you" to my best friend, I was kinda nervous she would just smile and nod, humoring me and my stupidity. I don't take those three words lightly, because they are more than just feelings to me. They are more than just the thing to say when you know someone for long enough. So whenever I say it to anybody, I'm serious and most likely terrified the first time I do. Yes, she said the back and I had a smile on my face for the rest of the day.
It's those little things that get to me, it's the tiniest things that give me those moments of awe and joy. I more often than not get flustered and struggle to say something, because I take everything so seriously and deeply.
Well, I had one of those moments today. A person very dear to me wrote a me the loveliest, sweetest poem for my 200th day on Miraculous Amino (it's like a birthday every 100 days. I find it adorable because people will message you and comment on your profile congratulating you and wishing you a happy whatever hundred day it is for you).
I could go on and on about this, but how about I just show you the poem?
Autumn
The wind rustles a few stray leaves
Leaves with colours, warm, and a promise, cold
They flutter about in the gentle breeze
Spiraling free, so daring and bold
The one raking them up sighs
As they are scattered once more
Before getting right back to work
Gathering leaves off the floor
On, the breeze whistles
Among the long scarves and coats
Of people battling the chill
As they match the whistling wind's notes
It's that time of year
When animals store up supplies
Preparing for winter
Before it arrives
Although the days shorten
And bright sunny days are few
It is by no means a season
In which to start feeling blue
The streets are laced with vibrant colours
Yellows, oranges, and res
Of the tree's last, bright goodbyes
Before they settle into their beds
Fall is my person favourite
Of all four seasons
It's astonishingly beautiful
To name just one of the reasons
The sheer beauty that comes with it
And the promise of change and things new
Inspires great wonders within me
As I observe it's ever-changing hues
Like the free, spiraling leaves
You taught me I can go in any direction I choose
That's always okay to be different
And to have unique, even unusual views
Like the poor soul sweeping up leaves
You taught me how frustrating life can be at times
But with perseverance and a good-natured spirit
The rewards will be sublime!
Like the happy, mischievous breeze
Ruffling children's hair as it gently blows by
You've taught me how to find humor
Smile and laugh, and not always sigh
Like the critters storing away for the winter
You've shown me how important it is to plan
How procrastination, although seemingly friendly
Can cause the downfall of even the strongest man
Like the stunning beauty of fall
You've inspired me more than you'll ever know
Not only as a writer, but as a person
You've helped and guided me to grow
- Retrofox
For my 200th day, I have been set to smile all day. That's all I can really say in my still giddy state of happiness. These words are overwhelming. Thank you, Retro.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)